Finding ease in your pain
Practicing one simple action can make the difference between whether or not you are successful.
The start of Spring 2019, I enrolled in a data structures and algorithms course at UC Berkeley — my fourth course in the computer science department. I was halfway through my sophomore year, and I’d struggled my fair share up to that point. However, this time I knew things would be different. Each time that I had faced difficulty in my previous classes, I paid close attention to my own learning style and wholeheartedly listened to advice from professors and fellow students. In this way, I built up my learning arsenal.
I narrowed down what I had to do to three habits: 1) study daily, 2) don’t procrastinate, and 3) take lots of practice exams. I went into the class with this mindset and excelled. I was doing well on the projects, I was going to the professor’s office hours, and I was understanding the material. With these initial successes under my belt, I had a good feeling as the first midterm approached. I walked in feeling confident. I sat down feeling confident. I finished the midterm — and to my surprise, I still felt confident. I distinctly remember exiting that exam room, calling my mother, and saying, “Mom, I aced that midterm. Computer science is for me.”
Fast forward one week to when the grades came out. I did not ace that midterm. Maybe computer science isn’t for me.
It was at this point in my computer science education that I really began to question myself. Had I struggled in my courses before? Certainly. However, this was the first time I felt as if I had prepared in every possible way and still had nothing to show for it. I began to ask myself some dangerous questions. Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Should I even finish this class? Perhaps the most telling question of all was the following: How would I ever achieve my dream of being a computer science professor, if I could not even succeed in an introductory data structures course?
The answer to this seemingly complex question is in fact quite simple. In Psychologist Angela Duckworth’s famous Ted Talk, she describes how the number one predictor of future success has nothing to do with grades or IQ.
Rather, the number one predictor of success is grit. But that begs the question: what is grit? Duckworth defines it as “passion and perseverance —for very long-term goals.” Grit is not simply a personality trait which entails persistence; it requires actively taking a decision to keep going in the face of doubt. It is when your peers insist that you cannot do something, and yet you make the effort to do it anyway. It is when your professor “kindly” suggests that you look into a different field, and you respond with a warm smile and a “No, but thank you.” And most importantly, grit presents itself during the following, all-too-common scene:
You stand alone looking into your mirror. Just you and your reflection, intensely looking into each other’s eyes. It insists that you are not good enough. It implores you to quit. To give up. It glares you into submission, forcing you to accept your own inadequacy. Forcing you to shrink, to succumb, until you can scarcely believe the mocking expression staring back at you is your own.
In the face of this pain, grit is the ability to accept your torment and move forward in spite of it. To rise above your tainted reflection, knowing that one day your success will speak for itself.
With that in mind, I decided to stick with computer science. And then, the universe decided to reward my determination with perfect grades, endless internship opportunities, and eternal success.
If only.
I wish I could tell you that. I want to tell you that. But I can’t, because I’d be lying to you — and worse than that, I’d be lying to myself. The truth is, I still question myself often, and I wonder if I’m good enough to continue with computer science. The feeling never seems to leave completely — the technical term for it is imposter syndrome.
Still, there is one thing I can say. Every time that I wanted to give into my doubts and fears — but I didn’t — I was only thankful later on. I admit that each less-than-stellar midterm hurt. Each company rejection hurt. Each failure to live up to my own expectations hurt. But it could never have hurt as much as turning my back on my passion simply because I didn’t feel good enough.
I’ll end on a quote — one that I’ve changed up a bit. Personally I find it makes more sense this way (it was originally said about a girl). The quote’s origin is unknown, though some like to attribute it to Bob Marley.
“If it’s amazing, it won’t be easy. If it’s easy, it won’t be amazing. If it’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy … truth is, everything is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the things worth suffering for.”
So smile, suck it up, and go find ease in your pain.