Find the Story Underneath Your Anger
You just might find fun and laughter in it
In Singapore, it’s rare to have families with over 2 kids. I often see passers-by stare at me struggling with 3 boisterous boys and express their sympathies or amazement. It’s almost as if I can hear their thoughts:
- 3 boys! Haha! Good luck with that!
- What were they thinking?!
- I feel tired just seeing them run around already!
These boys, these strange creatures, are an interesting addition to my life. I grew up with my younger sister in a quiet family. My good-girl conditioning makes me soft-spoken and polite. I don’t even remember running around for fun and I most certainly have never fought throughout my childhood and adulthood, with the exception of Wii boxing, which was surprisingly therapeutic! My husband became my husband because he’s my best friend, and I love the way he empowers me.
Living with my husband in the pre-kids era gave me a clue to the sort of mischievous shenanigans that tends to crop up with boys, regardless of age. But my mind sort of glossed over those little details, until in our third year of marriage, we had our first boy, who recruited another brother, and all of a sudden, there were 3 of them.
The Pain of Anger and Rage
No yelling. No slamming-of-doors. No running around. No throwing-of-cushions, no snatching-of-toys, no jumping, no fighting, and a long list of other No’s! I was determined to be a good mother in my mother’s eyes, extending my flawless good-girl legacy.
Every time they yell and fight, I feel anger and panic simultaneously. The panic is easy to decipher — I’m afraid that they’ll get hurt. I’ve never broken a bone before in my entire life. But I’ve gained a few stitches on my right ring finger when a sudden strong gust of wind slammed a door against it. My parents told me that they rushed me to the hospital immediately to fix my gashing wound. A scar remains, reminding me of this event I have no recollection of at all. I’d never want my precious kids to get hurt.
But this anger bothers me. It accelerates into a rage that scares me. I’ve trained myself to scream and yell and be fluent in my death stares. Then I become filled with tears and guilt and I’d apologize to my kids for bullying them this way. This Jekyll-and-Hyde behavior is not healthy. I’d never want my kids to keep telling their therapists about what their mother did, thirty years later.
I decided to become my own therapist instead.
A Surprising Answer From My Rage
Setting a safe space with a few deep inhales of my trusty Lavender essential oil, I sat on my bed and spoke to the raging beast in me. That beast morphed into my little good-girl self.
“Well, it’s complicated,” she confessed. Tears flooded through her face, “It’s not fair! Why do they get to do all the fun stuff and I don’t!”
I grieved for the fun childhood I never had. Bronnie Ware’s book — The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, included this wish as one of the most common wishes expressed by her patients in palliative care — “I wish I had let myself be happier”. Yes, it was embarrassing, yet a huge relief to cry for my lost childhood. But all’s not lost yet. There’s still time to enjoy my life if I want.
Right now, my other half was staring at me in disbelief. After giving him a quick sobbing verbal update, he chimed in gently, “well, we’re boys.” Like it’s the most normal phenomenon ever.
The resentment and anger melted away. Something else lit up in my adult self. Secretly, I plotted for my happiness. Our happiness. My boys have something that I want — loads of carefree fun. And I want to cross that bridge to get it!
Rewriting My Rules
Some upgrades in my parenting rulebook were made.
- Don’t do things that earn trips to the hospital’s Accident & Emergency (A&E) department.
- Be good at grandma’s house.
- Practice good physical hygiene.
- Clean up your damage.
I made room for new allowances.
#1. They can bury my slippers in sand
They spent an hour doing it, over and over again. They covered up their tracks so seamlessly that I couldn't tell which part of sand had been dug up!
Turns out you just need a sandpit and a pair of slippers to train creativity, focus, and great teamwork.
#2. I can fight with them
Just a few weeks ago, I started fighting with my kids in our living room. OMG, it was so much fun! My boys are really not that violent. They’re just super dramatic with their fighting sound effects and killer poses.
Our new favorite bonding activity is battling out with one another, while immersed in our curated playlist of chillout tunes. Once in a while, my Mom self has to blurt out, “Be careful of that TV! Don’t knock into that table! Ok, break it up now!” Then I’d leap back into combat mode.
It was so satisfying using my silk fan veils as a form of magical weapon instead of a dance prop! They shivered dramatically as the soft ‘deadly’ silk veils touched them. We had imaginary superpowers blasting one another and allowing ourselves to be blasted. Screaming strange names for our killer moves.
And the best thing is, nobody else gets to ‘mom’ me in our living room! Woohoo!
#3. I encourage them to spin weird stories
It took a bit of self-control not to bust them every time they say things like “butt”, or “fart”, or “armpits” unnecessarily. But when I allow them to let their creativity and imagination flow, it’s strangely enlightening to hear their brand of wisdom.
For example, did you know that the Universe didn’t start with a Big Bang? Pssst… it started with a big fart! See, it sort of makes sense, right?
Closing Thoughts
Perhaps you have kids; perhaps you don’t. Maybe your anger issues are much more serious than mine, with no quick solution in sight.
But I hope that you can practice a little gentleness by re-examining your source of anger and irritation, especially if these occur daily. Don’t let your anger eat up the rest of your life. Seek help if you need to. Add a bit more light-hearted fun if you need to. You’ll receive more inspiration when you’re willing to face these intense emotions with more curiosity.
I face my boys daily and it was getting unhealthy always feeling anger and irritation so often. I want to appreciate them at every phase of their lives, so I can grow along with them. It’s a practice of self-love too.
I wish you all the very best in navigating the tricky aspects of your life. May you find more happiness and fulfillment.