Find Peace By Forgiving The Villain From Your Past

It’s about your happiness, not theirs.

Two Zen monks are walking from one village to another. The come across a young woman who is trying to get across a stream. She is standing there on the bank, wondering how to manage it without getting wet and muddy in her nice clothes. There’s no bridge nearby, and she asks the two men to help her. One of the monks stands back, face neutral and serene. The other shrugs, steps forward and picks her up. He carries her across the shallow creek and puts her down. She thanks him and they go on their way.

His companion is shocked and outraged. They both took vows to never touch a woman. He looks at his fellow traveler in disbelief, but the other monk seems not to notice his anger.

They walk for the rest of the day in silence, one angry and one unperturbed. At last they stop for the night at a village. Before they enter, the upset monk stops his friend and asks him how he could just break his vows like that, and go against everything their order stood for.

Shocked, the man who helped the girl exclaims, “I put her down hours ago, and you are still carrying her around!”

Some of us carry a lot of baggage. Maybe we plan revenge, or replay things we should have said or done in our minds. Maybe we are afraid. And sometimes there’s a burning resentment and anger, which uses up a lot of our energy.

While it might be true that the villain in your past escaped justice and deserves consequences, stewing over it doesn’t hurt them at all. It hurts you. We can’t take care of ourselves when we are stuck in hate and anger. Yes, maybe they deserve to get their own. But what about you?

What should be most important is your happiness, your healing. If you were happy and whole, you could just let them be.

It’s really hard to get past negative emotions like anger. I spent years with a terrible, burning anger at my parents. They let me down in many ways, but a lot of my anger was for my dad. He didn’t make an effort to improve; he never seemed to care what he did to all of us. He physically and emotionally abused my mother, my brother, and me. I was poisoned, and later it leaked out of me to hurt my wife and kids.

I wish I would have forgiven my dad sooner, but I didn’t know how. I knew how angry I was, how destructive it was, but part of me didn’t care. It was satisfying in a twisted way, to feel the way I did. I wallowed in the self righteous victim state.

Since I didn’t want to confront my father and make my mother’s situation worse, I needed a solution. I needed closure, so I could move on. I found a way to get that for myself, without wrecking the good things that were happening now.

I made him apologize.

I made him beg for forgiveness.

Now, obviously, it isn’t easy to get apologies from those who wronged us. I know you already said to yourself, “Yeah, right! That’s never going to happen!”

Maybe your villain isn’t actually sorry. Maybe they refuse to talk to you. Maybe you never want to be in the same room with them for the rest of your life.

Maybe you still have to live near them and don’t want to upset the delicate balance in the neighborhood. Or, there could be others in the situation that you don’t want to hurt in the aftermath of a confrontation, ones you think are innocent. My mother still lives with my father, and it would fill me with guilt to make her life harder.

Maybe they can’t apologize because they’re not alive.

There’s a solution to all of these situations, one that you can definitely use. I promise you, it will do more good for you than you can imagine right now. Have an open mind. This is for you. You deserve to heal and move on. And you can do that without ever meeting the villain again in person.

Super Effective Forgiveness Formula

You will need a pen and letter paper, and an envelope. You’re going to write their apology letter for them, to yourself. Allow them to address it to you. Write it like you think that person would if they actually apologized to you.

Make it good. Add details and times, and have them express how sorry they are, how they wish they could take it back. Make them beg if it seems right. Create an alternative version of the person that truly is devastated by the remorse they have in their heart. This sad sack is really hurting with guilt, and he or she needs your forgiveness to go on. List all of the issues, don’t hold any of it back. Make them apologize for everything.

Write the letter, put it in the envelope and seal it. Write your name on the envelope.

Once you finish the letter, find a private place. Imagine that the person brought you this letter. Now open it and read it out loud in their voice. Imagine the villain is really there, and make them squirm as they read it to you. They’re desperate. You have to listen!

This has been bothering them for years. They have no idea what to do if you don’t hear their apology.

Once you’ve read it out loud, just sit and think about it quietly. Are you ready to forgive them? Maybe, but not yet. They can wait. Let them hang on your words.

What this does is it allows you to examine the issue in all its misery. You can’t hide from the pain and bury it if you want to be free. It has to be exposed and see the light of truth.

It’s important to realize that this is about your reactions only. They don’t deserve your forgiveness. You choose to give it to them if and when you want.

You’re In Control, Not Them

When you’re ready, write an answering letter forgiving them. It might be right away, or it might be a few days later. This is on your schedule. They committed the offence, so you own the outcomes now. They tossed the rock of pain through your window. Now you own that rock, because it’s in your house. This is how you take back your power. These things were done to you, and now you own the rights to them. They own nothing. They gave away their say in it.

Once you write the answering letter, read it out loud. Forgive them and let them go, and take responsibility for any outcomes after this point. You are no longer their victim. You’re free.

I go one step farther and burn both letters to show myself I’m done. (If you’re burning letters, be sure you do it safely! Don’t make matters worse by burning down your apartment.)

This has been incredibly helpful for me. I give myself complete permission to move on and do the best I can. The events still happened; there will still be some residual bad feelings and emotional scar tissue. I might never want to see or talk to the individual, but they lost a lot of their hold on me. Each time I ended up crying and messy after I was done, but with a huge sense of relief.

This ritual freed me from anger with my parents. None of us are the same people anymore, and they never understood how angry I was at them or why, but it doesn’t matter. I can have a relationship with them that is based in the present, not on all of the old hurts and pain.

It got rid of a lot of the hate I felt to the cousin who sexually abused me all those years ago. He was never going to apologize, since he passed away years ago. The important results are that my mind can heal and move on. I’m not dwelling on what he did to me, how unfair it was. I’m not stuck as a victim.

I encourage you to try this method. It’s worth the effort. Take control of the situation and purge the bad feelings as much as you can. Holding on to these resentments and anger we all have inside, is no good for us, so do what is best for you and let them take care of their own soul.

Shouldn’t I Confront Them And Make Them Do This For Real?

You might feel that you need to forgive a transgressor in person. This can also be a really good tool to let go of the past. If you are determined or drawn to this route, here are a few things to consider doing.

Talk to a mental health professional about the issue. They can help you decide if it’s a good idea to proceed with an in-person forgiving. They will have your emotional and physical safety in mind, and can help keep you from getting into a damaging situation. It’s definitely wise to consider all of the consequences of a confrontation, before going ahead with it.

Write down what you plan to say to this person. Remember that in the heat of the moment, you might get lockjaw and not be able to get the words out. There could be some strong emotions running through you, and you don’t need to be stammering and lost. You need a script, so what you want to say doesn’t get sidetracked. This will be your one chance to have your say, so again, planning is key.

Bring some backup with you, perhaps a good friend. You need support. Make sure this person is on your side, and wasn’t a direct part of the situation you need to discuss. A sibling may not be the right person, for example.

Try to make this happen in a neutral place, like a coffee shop or other public location. Things will stay under control if there are plenty of bystanders available to help. Never go to their home, and never invite them to yours for this. You need to be able to call it off if things go astray, and you can easily walk out of a public venue. It’s a lot harder to walk out of your own space or force others to leave.

Stick to forgiving. Don’t do any blaming. You know what happened, and you are now forgiving them. If this person doesn’t think they did you any harm, then this meeting shouldn’t be taking place. Don’t put yourself in a situation to fight with them. This is for healing, not hurting.

If you are hurting and stuck in pain from some villain’s actions, don’t give up your power in this situation. Forgive them and get it back. If you don’t take your power back, they walk away free and leave you locked up with your pain.

I wish you all the best. Let it go and set yourself free.