Summary

The author describes a journey of self-discovery and acceptance after a lifetime of adopting different identities to escape personal dissatisfaction and gain acceptance.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal narrative about the struggle with self-identity and the pursuit of acceptance. For years, the author used escapism and adopted various personas to cope with internal conflicts and external pressures. This led to a life of shifting realities and a disconnection from the true self. Eventually, the author reached a point where all the imagined identities were no longer viable, forcing a confrontation with the real self. The author now embraces their true identity as a writer, husband, father, and grandfather, finding freedom and contentment in authenticity. The message is one of liberation through self-acceptance and the encouragement for others to embrace their true selves despite the fear of judgment or making mistakes.

Opinions

The author views their past self as a "chameleon," changing attitudes and habits to fit in, which often conflicted with their true self-perception.
The author refers to their past behavior as the "driftwood syndrome," passively being pulled in different directions by external circumstances rather than acting according to their own desires.
The author expresses regret for years spent in misery due to a lack of self-acceptance and the constant shifting of personalities.
The author believes that reaching an age where they can no longer sustain the facade of other identities has led to a more genuine and fulfilling life.
The author values the interactions with readers who engage with the true self and provide feedback and perspective.
The author emphasizes the importance of making decisions based on personal convictions, even when they go against public opinion.
The author concludes that the pursuit of dreams and the enjoyment of life's loves are more important than continuing the cycle of escapism.

Self

Finally Letting Me Be Myself

All the other identities were already taken

I know you’ve all either heard this spoken or said it yourself. “Even at my age, I don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up.” It’s probably been a rallying cry for me for the longest time.

For so long, I was a master of escapism, learning to elude unpleasant situations or tedium with glorious dreams and distractions. Covering the sadness and depression I’ve dealt with my entire life with thickened coats of imaginative and entirely fictional realities. Being someone else, anyone else, but who I was — the real me.

As I sit here and peer into the past, I now understand how many times I became a chameleon, shifting in attitudes or habits to fit in and be accepted. I often adopted the will of those around me even though many times, those attitudes ran against the grains of my real self-perceptions.

I let outside stimuli and situations determine who I needed to be or how I needed to act at the moment, instead of doing a self-check and gauging if the situation or the circumstance aligned.

I call it the driftwood syndrome.

I was floating along the seashore, being tossed on the beach and pulled back into the water with the ebb and flow of the waves. And for many years, I was perfectly willing to do that. And for just as many years, I was utterly miserable.

I hated myself and could just barely tolerate those around me. Anger was a mainstay for me and my personality. I thrived on it much like we Humans thrive eating food and drinking water.

It’s interesting how someone can spend an entire lifetime shifting their complete personality, trading one set of realities they’ve created for another. All in the attempt to keep the unpleasantness life has to offer at bay.

But there comes a time in one’s life when all the other identities, all the people you dream up and attempt to be are taken. What you’re left with is you, the real you. That’s when you can do one of two things. You can either let the internal daily battles with yourself continue as you struggle to believe you’re someone you’re not.

Or you can accept you for being you.

From my viewpoint, I’m just an old man who loves to write. Sometimes I write things that resonate with people. Most times, I don’t. I’m an old dude two years past retirement age, and yet to maintain health insurance, I continue to work at a job I don’t care for — a job which I may not have for very long if my psychopathic boss gets his way.

I’m a husband to a loving woman who accepts all my faults and failures and takes care of me as I try so hard to take care of her. I’m a father to four wonderful daughters and a grandfather to seven grandchildren.

I.Am.Me.

For so many years, I was always somebody else, but now, well now, I’m just me, an old dude who writes. And I kinda like me right now. Don’t necessarily like some of the stuff I write, but then you folks who read me are willing to take the time to respond to me, the real me, and level set my butt at times.

I like that. I love it when you read me, sometimes get me, and all the time talk to me, the real me. It’s liberating.

All these years, I’ve had so many chances to experience this kind of freedom, and for so many years, I practiced escapism because I never seemed able to gain contentment or understanding who I really needed to be.

It’s not easy finally letting me be myself, but it’s a lot easier than trying to figure out what personality I need to be today, tomorrow, or next year.

So, if you’re struggling with what you want to do with your life right now, take heart. I was once you. If you’re afraid to make the wrong decisions in life for fear the consequences will be devastating. I, at one time, was you.

If you’re afraid to take a stand on anything of consequence or rail against public opinion because you feel deep inside, it isn’t right, but you know doing so will put you in the crosshairs.

I was that same kind of person a long time ago, but never again. From here on out, I’m just going to be me, an old Texas dude who loves his wife, his children, and grandchildren and loves to write.

My dreaming days are over. It’s time to start enjoying all the loves in my life.

Thank you so much for reading. You didn’t have to, but I’m certainly glad you did.

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