RESPONSES AS POSTS
Filling the Emptiness Inside
Eagerness to get “back to normal” led to anything but
Eliza Lita’s description of the utter emptiness of feeling she experienced really resonated. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rising, and a creeping sense of dread. I knew this lack of feeling. And I knew what was coming.
When her therapist asked, “Do you know what not being affected by certain things is a sign of?” I had the answer. “Depression.”
It All Starts With Lack of Sleep
I found myself nodding in agreement as she spoke of being unable to sleep. She functioned in an exhausted haze, going through the rote obligations of her life.
That’s how depression manifested for me, as well. In my case, it was as a result of abdominal surgery. Specifically, a hysterectomy.
I spent about two months slowly recovering. At first, I was barely able to hobble from my bed to the couch and back. I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a hairbrush.
Gradually, I got better. It no longer hurt to move. I could sit up without needing to pull myself into position with my arms. I went back to work in the office. In the evenings, I resumed writing the book that I was under contract for.
And, as I picked up the pieces of my life, I was driven by the feeling that I needed to “catch up”. I’d spent 2 months doing the bare minimum required for my obligations.
I was used to excelling. Buffeted by the emotional roller coaster of surgical menopause, I clung to that identity. I was someone who got things done.
So I did things. I worked overtime. And when I got home, I headed straight to my home office. I wrote late into the night.
It felt great. I was back to being me. So what if I was burning the candle at both ends? I’d had two months of sleeping! I was filled with pent-up energy demanding to be released.
Until…I wasn’t. Unlike what I’d been used to, I couldn’t cheat myself of sleep during the week and make up for it on weekends. I dug deep for reserves of energy, only to find the tank was empty.
I later learned that your body continues healing from major surgery for about a year. Even though you think you’re better, there’s a lot of things going on inside. Your energy is being diverted to healing, so there’s less for you to use.
When Fatigue Slips Into Depression
At first, I was just extra tired. I was working the equivalent of two full-time jobs, and not getting enough sleep.
But I’m stubborn. Or to use the trendy way of saying it, I’ve got “grit”. I was not letting a little thing like surgery get in the way of living the life I wanted. If I’d been able to do it before surgery, I should be able to do it after surgery.
So I kept working, and working, and cutting back on sleep.
And then I noticed, I’d be tired and want to go to sleep, but somehow, I just didn’t. I’d think, “I should go to bed.” And an hour later, be thinking, “I need to go to bed.”
I started skipping meals. Not that I wasn’t hungry. It just seemed like too much effort, for too little reward. I’d satisfy the hunger with a bag of chips. That was easy.
I got the book turned in to my editor. I wasn’t happy with it — the characters seemed very flat on the page. But I reasoned that she could tell me how to fix it. I wasn’t capable of that at the moment.
You’d think that I would start getting to bed earlier, now that I was no longer under deadline pressure. And it was true, I stopped writing in the evenings. If I was able to write anything at all, it was all ashes. Nothing had that spark of living writing. It was all dead, formulaic and rote.
Instead, I sat on the couch and watched TV. I’d watch old movies on American Movie Classics. The black-and-white films were strangely soothing. I’d tell myself that I was stocking my story files, filling the well for my next fiction project. But the reality was, these expert emotional manipulators were drawing forth my emotions. I was feeling something. And it was the only time that I did.
Until finally, even a five-hankie tearjerker failed to produce a response. I found myself thinking, “I should be sad at this.” But there was nothing. Just a vast emptiness where my emotions used to be.
The next day, I told my best friend, “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
Diagnosis and Cure
At my next doctor’s visit, I explained how I was feeling to the doctor. He agreed with my friend’s belief that I had depression. He’d warned me to be on the lookout for uncontrollable sadness or grief. Those were signs of post-operative depression.
I hadn’t felt those. In fact, the problem was that I wasn’t feeling anything. But even before that, I’d been cheerful and optimistic.
Sadness is not the determining symptom of depression, however. There is a cluster of symptoms, all having to do with slowed (depressed) responses. The brain fog, inability to make decisions and apathy were all spot on. So were the changes to sleep and eating habits. I had what is called “smiling depression”.
Step 1: Get enough sleep
The cure was simple. First and most importantly, get enough sleep. Get far more than you think is necessary. If you normally got 8 hours of sleep, aim for 9 or even 10.
Step 2: Eat well
Second, eat well. Don’t make meals out of snack foods. Ensure that you’re getting plenty of vitamins in your foods, as well as quality proteins. Fresh fruits and vegetables are best. Especially, eat foods that are high in vitamin C, like citrus fruit.
If you eat microwave meals because they’re easy, supplement with fresh salads. Those are also available pre-made. Add cruciform vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower) to the salads. Those also come in ready-to-eat packages.
Step 3: Restore your self-confidence
The final step of the cure was surprising. Depression can make you question yourself. You need something to restore your faith in your abilities and competence. Something that starts out easy, but grows progressively harder. Then, when something in your life seems too overwhelming to handle, you can point to this thing. See? I did that. I can do this other thing, too.
In my case, that thing was learning to draw. I’m not talking about life portraits or anything that requires actual skill. No, I learned how to draw simple buildings, space ships, and alien creatures from a kid’s drawing book.
Every day after work, I’d have a healthy dinner. Then I’d sit down at the kitchen table and do the next lesson in the book. I’d practice drawing for an hour or so, then get ready for bed. Then I’d read or watch TV. Unlike before, now when it was time to go to bed, I’d be ready, so could just hop in.
It took months to spiral down to my low, so it took months to climb back up. But I did. Fortunately, I now have the tools to prevent depression from ever getting that bad again.
Conclusion
Depression presents in many different ways. The “classic” depression is overwhelming sadness and grief. But instead of being overwhelmed by feelings, you can also not feel anything.
Some of the other hallmarks of depression are apathy, brain fog, and decision fatigue. Having a schedule of what to do when, with all decisions already made, can help. Then, all you have to do is follow the schedule.
Determine what things are holding you back from sleeping and eating correctly. Do you need to get ready for bed after dinner, so you don’t have to think about it later? Do you need to plan a weekly menu and shop in advance?
Add all these things to your schedule. If you follow your schedule, you’ll get enough sleep and eat right.
I am still prone to depression. But now I know what to do to fix it. I never want to drown in that soul-sucking emptiness again. And I sincerely hope you never have to experience it, either.
This is a Responses as Posts story, inspired by Eliza Lita:
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