Fighting With Reality Hurts
When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.
This is a time of grave uncertainty with many things to justifiably be concerned about. People are getting sick and some are dying, resources are spread thin and people are losing their incomes, wondering how much longer their meager resources can hold out. I certainly am not intending to tell anyone else how to feel, particularly when they might be facing things that I am not. But one thing that I do know for certain is that fighting with reality hurts because reality always wins.
Wishing things were different will not make them better and envisioning catastrophe will not stave it off. It will only compound any feelings of helplessness or hopelessness. The path of peace is the one that looks at the challenges that must be dealt with in the present or the near future and focuses all energy and resources on that. It is the place that accepts what has happened and doesn’t waste time bemoaning it. Anything else is like banging your head against a brick wall.
Being right where you are might feel uncomfortable but it’s the only place where you have any control or power. The past is behind us, and the future is not known. Staying in the present allows us to not only deal with the things that we are immediately facing, but it also allows us to notice the things that are good right now, and that is a powerful resource.
Gratitude is the best-known antidote to worrying about an uncertain future. Not only does it help you to put things into perspective, but it boosts your inner resources so that you have more at your disposal to deal with whatever you are facing. Finding things to be grateful for that others take for granted, takes this to an even deeper level. It’s one thing to be happy about good fortune or positive outcomes, but when you can be grateful for running water that is safe to drink and electricity, a nice hot cup of coffee, or a sunny day, that is when gratitude becomes even more powerful.
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” — Cicero
When you can find ways to be grateful for things related to your challenges, the people who irk you, or the things that are hard, you are approaching gratitude mastery. This may sound like a New Age, Pollyana practice, but gratitude has been recognized as having a real positive impact on not just our outlooks but our brains. Ancient Roman statesman and philosopher, Cicero, said that “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” He knew, even back then, that gratitude was a powerful and fundamental practice.
Modern neuroscience shows that expressing gratitude releases dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters that help us feel good from the inside. This can help us to feel calmer in times of stress and bring us back into an equilibrium where we can respond rather than react.
“The effects of gratitude, when practiced daily can be almost the same as medications. It produces a feeling of long-lasting happiness and contentment, the physiological basis of which lies at the neurotransmitter level.”
“McCraty and colleagues (1998), in one of their studies on gratitude and appreciation, found that participants who felt grateful showed a marked reduction in the level of cortisol, the stress hormone. They had better cardiac functioning and were more resilient to emotional setbacks and negative experiences.
Significant studies over the years have established the fact that by practicing gratitude we can handle stress better than others. By merely acknowledging and appreciating the little things in life, we can rewire the brain to deal with the present circumstances with more awareness and broader perception.” (1)
If you are in a panic, you can’t think straight, and if you can’t think straight, you can’t make good choices or decisions. Constantly elevated levels of cortisol can derail many of your body’s important functions, including memory and concentration problems, elevated blood pressure, headaches, weight gain and trouble sleeping. (2) In other words, being completely stressed out isn’t going to help us cope with any of the difficult things that may come our way. It may feel like vigilance, but it’s actually not an effective coping or survival strategy because it’s hard on both your body and your psyche.
When you fall into the trap of spending too much time wishing things to be different than they are you are no longer in the present. “This shouldn't be happening” or “I wish I had….” serves no constructive purpose. They will not do anything to change the circumstances and they put you in a place of resistance rather than a place of flow. Resisting what has already taken place takes up valuable inner resources that could be better used to creatively deal with the situation in the most effective way available to you.
“When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.” ― Byron Katie
When we question our thoughts and notice if they are fear-based stories or if they are disempowering us in other ways, we have more tools at our disposal to deal with challenging circumstances. Byron Katie, the creator of a methodology for questioning our thoughts know as The Work, says, “When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.” I have found this to be true, that when I am not battling reality, things just simplify and almost click into place. Knowing what to do becomes much easier because my thinking is not clouded by fear.
Remaining alert to our stressful thoughts allows us to understand that in many instances it is the thoughts that are causing most of the pain, and not the circumstances themselves. When we face the things that are right in front of us by being present and alert, we have a better chance of finding creative solutions, that might be obscured or shut down by fear-based thinking.
This does not necessarily mean to handle every problem with complete stoicism. Stuffing your feelings is not the answer, but not letting them run away with you very likely is. Emotions are a message — a call to action to investigate your thoughts and your response. Are you making things worse by lamenting the loss of greater control, or are you taking control of the things that you can affect and steering your boat as best you can given the way that the water is flowing?
Moving with the river the way that it is going will always yield better results than flailing around or trying to change the course of something that is too big for us alone to affect. We can only do what we can do, although it is important to do those things which are in our control. We cannot change the arc of this worldwide pandemic alone, but we can better cope with the things that are not in our control when we practice acceptance of what is and keep ourselves calm and resourced through gratitude.
(1) The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How It Affects Anxiety and Grief