Fifty Shades Of Grey In The Garden

Whips, chains, and succulents

“Raising the ordinary to extraordinary” ― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

Are garden plants sexier when spied using a black and white lens? Do they seem a little dirtier in that dark and dusky soil? Desperately awaiting the harsh touch of pruning shears, glistening silver in the day’s hot, sweat-making sun?

Does that half-dead Manitoba Maple — the one my landscaper neighbor refers to as “cheap” — appear sexier thrust up against a silver satin-shaded fence?

What about the red pine with its one low-hanging strobile? The twelve-footer who, despite a straggly spouse only feet away, naughtily intermingles branches with a nearby spruce?

The daffodils immediately turned pale when approached. I don’t want to make prejudicial claims but perhaps their native European, Catholic upbringing plays a role in their embarrassed response?

And it’s not just the plant life getting it on Mr. Grey-style. Oh no, even the harder substances are getting their rocks off. The downspout is some zany form of creative bondage tool — adding kinky water sports to their shenanigans.

The birdhouse, however, gave off a slightly holier-than-thou air. “I am above that,” it maintained, an angelic haze hovering above its peak. Its hole may be two-way but it clearly allows for only one bird at a time. No figging here, kinksters. Hard consent all the way.

A garden is indeed a dirty place. And black, white, and fifty shades of grey definitely make it much, much more sullied and seductive. Who doesn’t want to meander in with a hoe?

Disclaimer: I haven't actually read Fifty Shades of Grey so I apologize if I have done any disservice to Anastasia, Mr. Grey, or E.L. James in any way. Yikes, I now have a lot of reputation-damaging Google questions in my search history. The things writers do for a story…

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2021

This piece was inspired in an odd and wonderful way by Anne Bonfert’s

https://readmedium.com/removing-the-colors-of-the-forest-be0429c060db