Fetch Me Some Stupid
OK, you Mediumites have asked for it. As I explained here, I’m shut down for the season. I am a summer troll. Right now I am in a stage of hyperphagia prior to hibernating. This is the time of year where I am supposed to be drinking apple cider, eating Brunswick stew, sleeping during the second and third quarters of televised football games, and reading the collected works of Proust. What I’m not supposed to be doing is posting things here, but YOU FOLKS ARE FAILING ME. I need dumber Medium. It’s as if I want to watch Botched and you guys keep serving up Nova and Frontline documentaries.
I’m sorry if I made fun of listicles. I’m not above reading about Taylor Swift. You can just link to the meme you found so funny. You can even post god-awful crap like this:
as a pretext for linking to goodness like this:
or true entertainment, like this:
Or you can even do a dump like this:
Mr. Mildew’s Canonical List of Elephant Jokes
As culled from alt.rec.humor in the Golden Age of the Internet
Q: Why do elephants wear green tennis shoes? A: To hide in the tall, tall grass. == Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? A: Because their green ones get dirty too quickly. == Q: Why do elephants wear yellow tennis shoes? A: So they can hide upside down in custard. == Q: What is that black triangle in the custard? A: A shark, that’s why the elephants hide! == Q: Why do elephants wear sunglasses? A: So they won’t be recognized. == Q: Why do elephants float on their backs? A: So they don’t get their tennis shoes wet. == Q: Why are elephants large, gray and wrinkled? A: Because if they were small, round and white they’d be aspirins. == Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they’ve no pockets to put things in! == Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled feet? A: To give the ants a 50–50 chance. == Q: Why do rhinoceroses have flat feet? A: Because rhinos are mean. == Q: Why do elephants have gray skin? A: To keep their insides together. == Q: Why are elephants wrinkled? A: Because if they were smooth they would think they were gray aspirins. == Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles? A: Their tennis shoes are too tight! == Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum? A: An elephant is gray. == Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants in the distance? A: “Look, a herd of elephants in the distance” == Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance? A: Nothing. He didn’t recognize them. == Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance? A: “Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!” == Q: What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance? A: “Look! A herd of plums in the distance” (Jane is color blind) == Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: “Voila les elephants!” == Q: What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill? A: Nothing, elephants can’t talk. == Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing pink sweat shirts? A: “They must all be on the same team.” == Q: How can you tell a herd of elephants from a bunch of grapes if you are color blind? A: Jump up and down on them… If you get wine, you’ve got grapes! == Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? A: Nothing; it just let out a little wine. == Q: What do you do with a blue elephant? A: Cheer him up. == Q: What do you do with a green elephant? A: Wait until he ripens. == Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun == Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: You hold his trunk until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. == Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, hold his trunk until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. == Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!! == Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. == Q: What’s the loudest noise in the jungle? A: Pygmies eating cherries. == Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree? A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it. == Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree? A: It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck. == Q: How do you get an elephant down from a cherry tree? A: Stand it on a leaf and wait until Autumn. == Q: Why shouldn’t you go into the jungle at 5 o’clock? A: Because that is when the elephants fall out of cherry trees. == Q: Why are pygmies so short? A: They go into the jungle at 5 o’clock. == Q: What is a furry alligator? A: A bear that went into the jungle at 5 o’clock. == Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A: Time to get a new fence. == Q: What’s gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A: A mouse, going on vacation. == Q: What’s brown, has four legs, and a trunk? A: The same mouse, coming back from vacation. == Q: What has two gray legs and two brown legs? A: An elephant with diarrhea. == Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A: Lots of room! == Q: How do you run over an elephant? A: Climb up its tail, dash to its head, and then slide down its trunk. == Q: How do you get down off an elephant? A: You don’t. You get down off a duck. == Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway? A: About 5 mph == Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant? A: You can’t get the toilet seat down. == Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW? A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door. == Q: What’s more difficult than getting an elephant into a VW? A: Getting TWO elephants into a VW! == Q: What’s more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant into a VW? A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW. == Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a VW? A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back == Q: How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house? A: There’s a VW outside with three elephants in it. == Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge? A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge. == Q: How do you put a giraffe into a fridge? A: Open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close the fridge. == Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge? A: There are footprints in the butter. == Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge? A: Two sets of blue tennis shoes outside the fridge. == Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge? A: Can’t get the fridge door closed. == Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge? A: There’s a VW bug parked outside. == Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge? A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW’s in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW’s! == Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge? A: Open door, get two VW’s out, put Tarzan in, close door. == Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO == Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge? A: You can’t, silly. There is only one Tarzan! == Q: Why do elephants wear sandals? A: So they won’t sink in the sand. == Q: Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand? A: To look for elephants who forgot to wear sandals. == Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? A: It’s bike is outside. == Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? A: There is a dent in the cross-bar. == Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window. == Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. == Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweat shirts? A: They’re all on the same team. == Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant in bed with you? A: She has a big ‘E’ on her pajama jacket pocket. == Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water? A: Wet. == Q: How do you make a dead elephant float. A: Well, you take ten dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice cream, 5 tons of bananas… ==
NSFW Elephant Jokes Follow
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra! == Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big vaginas. == Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep. == Q: Why do elephants have long trunks? A: Because sheep don’t have strings. == Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period? A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing. == Q: Why do rivers run red in Africa? A: No sheep in Africa. == Q: How do you make an elephant fly? A: Start with a 3 foot zipper. == Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant? A: Wipe it off! == Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? A: Swim for your life!! == Q: What is an elephant’s sex organ? A: His foot… If he steps on you you’re FUCKED! == Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she’s lying down in tall grass? A: VERY attractive. == Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat? A: A dead rat. == Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A: Big holes all over Australia. == Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? A: None of the offspring survived. == Q: How do you stop an angry elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit card. == Q: How do you hire an elephant? A: Stand it on four bricks! == Q: How do you raise a baby elephant. A: With a fork lift. == Q. What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? A. Sir. == Q. What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a wet suit? A. Anything you want, it can’t hear you. == Q. Why do elephants scratch themselves? A. Because they’re the only ones who know where they itch!