Is Your Best Girlfriend a Narcissist in Disguise?
Female Narcissism is alive and well; no romance required.
Narcissism is nothing new. Of late, the subject has appeared so often that it feels like an epidemic.
I thought I’d dodged narcissistic victimhood. My ex-husband was one and I can see one coming before he opens his mouth. No man was ever going to make his clown or puppet again.
But after the break-up of yet another significant friendship with a girlfriend, I recognized a pattern to their course and ultimate demise. I realized that I was indeed the victim of narcissistic relationships.
They just weren’t romantic.
Don’t be fooled by the fact that most narcissists are men because it applies to women as well. And if you’re a single woman like me, having a bestie, someone to hang out with all the time, is tempting.
Beware, narcissism is an equal opportunity personality disorder.
Girlfriends or Girlfiends
Are your besties always talking about other people behind their backs? Do you wonder what they might be saying about you?
Is there always another story of their victimization without taking any responsibility for their role in it?
Are you always accommodating them?
Can they accept criticism, or do they make excuses, deny, and justify their behavior even when it’s terrible? And then accuse you of being insensitive?
Does the world revolve around them? Their drama? Narcissists get a lot of energy from drama and the attention they receive from it.
Do you feel drained after your encounters?
If you can say “yes,” then you might be the victim of a narcissist. Narcissists are like vampires, and when you listen to them, you become their energy supply, just not in the form of blood.
Blood is also a symbol of energy.
And you need all of yours.
My experience
One who has come and gone occupied so much of my time that I had little left for other interests. She made plans for every Saturday night, which was a nice change for me. At first.
When I made other plans for one Saturday without her, she was insulted and dumped me. Ouch!
Another used to send me frequent text messages, and if I didn’t reply immediately, my phone started to blow up. Then the phone would ring. Was something wrong? I’d answer thinking there was an emergency only to have drama dumped on me about some situation that could’ve waited.
She expected me to put her before my family, was overly concerned with her appearance and what others thought, considered her pain, her longings and needs greater than anyone else’s. She competitive when there was no need.
How dare anyone dress better than her and command the attention she wanted.
One friend became defensive when I mentioned having a similar interest in taking singing lessons. It was a shot over the bow for me, the first signal that something was wrong. Although I was dumbfounded and had no idea how to respond at the time, I now see it for what it was.
To her, it, or I was a threat trying to upstage her. It was as if I were going to audition for The Voice instead of adding singing as a hobby. I didn’t take the lessons but defended my right to do so if I wanted.
For this, she did the narcissistic dump and run. And blocked me on social media.
The experiences haven’t involved physical violence as it might with a man, but I was psychologically sucker punched. Down and out, catching my breath and not understanding why.
Male v. Female Narcissim
It’s easier to identify the male narcissist.
For one, he is angry and aggressive and gets most of his supply (victims) from his romantic relationships. They’re more overt, as men are in general. In this respect, women are almost worse. I compare it to a murderer who shoots someone (a man) instead of someone (a woman) who poisons them.
Female narcissists have different traits.
They may withhold attention and affection, make you feel guilty, or use neglect to express their anger. She may also be one of those overbearing control freaks.
A woman narcissist who feels threatened or overshadowed by another female who she sees as smarter, prettier, and funnier than she will use shaming tactics to isolate that other woman. Sometimes from a group.
Sadly, it can also be their daughter.
What is narcissism?
All narcissists possess the same mindset.
Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, have an inflated sense of self-worth and self-importance. Their view is that the world does indeed revolve around them.
The operative word here is “disorder,” and the roots of narcissism may be the result of nature (genetic) and nurture (environment and upbringing). The narcissist may have been overly criticized and shamed or elevated and praised.
Or both.
The roots evolve from either a poor or inflated self-image.
But once these mechanisms have been fine-tuned, they become a part of that individual’s personality and are impenetrable. Change is difficult to impossible. The ego rules; the sun rises and sets not just on them but for them.
They have an insatiable need for admiration, a complete lack of empathy, and cannot handle any degree of criticism. They are vain, self-absorbed, and overly concerned with their appearance and status.
Narcissist seeks to control and hate it when you fight back, are never wrong, and never apologize. In the end, if you are the victim, it doesn’t really matter why they dumped their toxic behavior was dumped all over you.
You feel emotionally slammed, compromised, confused, and betrayed.
This friend was your world, your everything. Now you are dead to them.
And they don’t care. It’s all your fault.
Where I’m going from here
Now that I know I tend to put myself in the victim’s chair, I know when to avoid forming attachments to narcissists. And how to handle the ones who are still in my life.
I’ve moved beyond victimization.
I assert my right to feel the way I want and don’t apologize for things I didn’t do. I refuse to feel guilty.
My mindset has changed, and so has my energy. I’m confident I will not continue to attract narcissistic girlfriends. If I do, I will walk away before they have a chance to get their claws into me.
I know that in any relationship, it’s give and take. If something feels wrong, my instincts are on alert to protect me.
I can recognize the difference between a welcoming smile and someone who is just flashing their pearly whites at me as a means of luring me in.
I’ll take it as a warning, instead of an invitation.
