Feelings Are Useless

Until you can’t handle them anymore

I grew up learning that feelings are useless. There were reasons:

Asian families don’t typically talk about feelings. All that mattered was getting things done:

Get the chores done

Get homework done

Take care of the younger siblings

What do you want to be when you grow up?

How well are you doing at school?

Obviously, this is an oversimplification of my childhood, but all that mattered to me was “getting things done.”

So, where do feelings come into the picture?

How does that help me to get things done?

I have a great family. I have parents who love their children in their own ways. I have loving grandparents. I have the resources to do whatever I want to do. With all the great things going for me, I figured that the least I could do was be helpful to my family. My role was first to be a good student since that’s my “job.” Then, as the older child, my role was to support my parents as they needed.

I grew up an athlete. I took training very seriously most of my life. The training was focused on skills and studying the opponent’s games. We hardly ever talked about emotions. “Control your emotions, relax, don’t be nervous” were the only words I remembered having conversations relating to them. “Don’t feel pressured; focus on the game.”

Don’t feel they’re useless. Focus on how to win the game.

It hurts to feel. I can think of many bad decisions made due to feeling certain ways. I cringe, thinking back on those things I’ve done. The right way to think and do is to be logical. Being logical often leads you to the right answers. The process is simple: weigh the benefits and the downsides. Pick the one with fewer downsides, or at least the downsides that you’re willing to take. It’s so easy.

However, I’m still human. I can’t feel it sometimes. However, I often figure out why and how I’m feeling.

I fixed them with logic.

Other times, I learned from what happened by looking in hindsight. Most of them were “mistakes,” which I now accept that it is part of growing up and knowing who you are.

That’s the perk of being the oldest child: you have your own space to think. I’m proud to have figured out what most of my strengths, weaknesses, and interests are.

But this time, things were different.

I couldn’t talk myself out of my state of mind. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I was sad, and I wished I could fast forward time and get done with school.

I’ve always advocated taking care of yourself, that health and wellness are a priority. So I’m glad I could recognize that I need help.

So I decided to get help.

It was through counseling that I recognized the reasons I felt the way I did:

I was worried about how life would be once I graduated.

I was pressured to do well, seeing how my friends had already started the build in g their careers, and some of them were already doing well.

I felt overwhelmed with the multiple roles I’ll have to play once I’m home: a husband, son-in-law, older brother, reliable grandson, and eventually, a father.

I’d subconsciously put pressure on myself to do well at the job waiting for me back home. I hold high standards of myself, and I have difficulty compromising those standards. After all, my new family will be counting on me.

I feel the pressure to make more money — start a side hustle, work extra hours, take up a part-time job, negotiate for a higher starting pay.

It is a lot.

Through counseling, I learned:

that only coping mechanism is to shut everything out, which doesn’t help solve problems. How could I solve anything logically if they haven’t happened?

How could I solve problems that haven’t even happened yet?

I’m sharing this really personal struggle because you're right if you think my problems are ridiculous.

But it’s not.

It mattered to me, which is why it suffocated me. It doesn’t suffocate anyone else because my situation is unique, just like everyone else’s.

Everyone struggles in their own way, with their own problems that no other person could completely understand.

But through group counseling, I gained new perspectives on my problems. But unfortunately, these perspectives were the ones I needed help with to get out of my head.

Through personal counseling, I could focus on what I was feeling, not just by talking to myself anymore, but with someone who has the skills to navigate my thoughts and feelings with me.

This is why it’s important to get help. Your close friends, family, and spouse may not be equipped to help you navigate through your problems. To get answers, you need to ask the right questions. The best way to fix any problem is to seek a professional in the field.

I hope you realize that there is always a way out no matter how down, depressed, or anxious you feel.

I recognize that it’s hard to find the right people to talk to. I was lucky to have access to counseling through my school.

The least you should do is to talk to the people you love. Ask them if they know of anyone who can help you. They don’t have to help you; you just need to be pointed in the right direction.

Get another perspective on your problems. Let someone work this out with you.

Get a professional to help you, whether for your emotions, money, thoughts, domestic problems, or anything.

There is a profession out there for any problem. You just have to find it.

Take care of yourself first, always.