Feeling Sad? Don’t Fight It. You Will Lose.
How to thrive when the world tells you to fake a smile.
Don’t get me wrong. Feeling sad was never a goal of mine.
I used to fight negative feelings when they flooded me with waves of uncontrollable nostalgia or hopelessness for the future. Little did I know I was fighting a losing battle.
What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.
— Carl Jung
Today, I came to accept the human nature of duality.
I don’t love feeling sad. But I have learnt to appreciate negative emotions when they come. They are my guidance system.
Sadness makes me appreciate good days.
Hard times make me stronger.
Mistakes make me wiser.
Positive vibes hold a prime spot in the mainstream culture. It is astonishing how many people have mistaken avoiding negative feelings for a life hack.
In the era of “positive vibes only”, feeling bad is considered a faux pas.
Yet, the road to a good life is paved with tears and confusion, as well as smiles and laughter.
It is the same with diets. If you stick to raw fruits and veggies for a prolonged period of time, denying yourself cravings for carbs or warm meals, eventually, you will spiral into binging on fast food. Long-term healthy effects are all about balance.
Indeed, losing a job can serve as a blessing in disguise. Still, you are entitled to feel disappointed. A breakup can serve as a miraculous redirection. Still, you should take the time to grieve that relationship. Any disease is a form of communication of your body and a plea to make lifestyle changes. Still, you are allowed to acknowledge the pain it brings.
The road to a good life is paved with tears and confusion as well as smiles and laughter.
A positive outlook on life is beneficial for our mental wellbeing. It reduces stress and helps us accomplish goals.
But, you know… life is not always a bed of roses.
We all tackle difficulties, losses, disappointments.
Faking a smile in a time of emotional struggle is not a way to cope with sadness.
Gratitude always serves me as a ray of sunshine on a shitty day. But gratitude won’t work without accepting those shitty days. Just as you won’t find emotional relief without accepting uncomfortable feelings.
Positive thinking doesn’t always work
Forced positivity suppresses our emotions.
Humans need to express themselves. Acknowledging pain, hurt, or fear is a form of expression. Crying is a form of expression. Throwing a tantrum means you are dissatisfied with your current situation and that you desire a change.
Yet, we are hardly programmed to digest negative emotions. We were taught from a young age to keep quiet, be nice, don’t make a fuss. And we got good at avoiding anger, sadness, and fear.
We live in a society that revolves around pleasure, consumption, and escapism. From alcohol and drug overuse, through screen time, to 24/7 fake positivity on our social media feeds.
Suppressing feelings leads to increased anxiety, depression, and deterioration of mental health. A deep attachment to pleasure becomes destructive when we fail to manage our emotions.
Of course, positive experiences should outweigh bad ones. But it doesn’t mean we should run away from feelings. Always striving to stay positive makes us disconnected from our emotions and we ultimately feel worse.
But when you emotionally connect with yourself, you can go deeper with others as well. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of a healthy, long-term relationship. Authenticity is relatable. And what is more authentic than having a bad day and owning up to it?
Signs you run away from uncomfortable emotions:
- you feel guilty over having a bad moment,
- you run away from uncomfortable emotions, even if somebody from your environment is going through tough times,
- positive affirmations make you feel worse,
- you became a master at putting on a fake smile.
How can we find a balance between remaining positive and allowing negative feelings to come to the surface?
Treat negative emotions as feedback
Every negative emotion carries a message. Events don’t make us suffer. How we interpret the events in our lives makes us feel hurt.
Negative emotions feel bad. But they are not bad.
Due to feeling sadness, anger, resentment, and frustration, you:
- know what you don’t want in life.
- know what you care about.
- discover compassion.
- know you have loved.
Remember:
Envy tells you what you want.
Sadness signals a desire for a change.
Regret shows us to do better next time.
Anger motivates you to act.
Instead of feeling guilty for feeling afraid, get curious. When you see the emotion and question it, you lessen the negative impact it has on you.
What is the emotion trying to tell you? And unquestioned life is not worth living. Accepting uncomfortable feelings helps to find yourself among them.
You are not your emotions. You are entangled in uncomfortable feelings. And when you dig deeper, you get to uncover parts of yourself. Parts you had no idea existed.
Self-knowledge is power. When you uncover layers of your desires, your instinct and hurt, you become empowered to navigate life.
Going through tough times, let you know what lights your heart on fire and what doesn’t resonate with your Inner Self. This expertise can never be taken away from you.
Make room for negative feelings
Whenever negative feelings wash over you, make yourself a priority.
Do you know why certain feelings take a hold of you more than others? Because you make them more important than yourself. And whatever holds a first place in your hierarchy is what will prevail in your life.
Find a quiet space where you can relax. Quiet your mind, focus on your breathing or take a walk in nature.
When you make room for feelings that arise, you get to distance yourself from their toll.
Events in our life are not scary. Our minds make them scary.
But when you mindfully observe your reactions and emotions, you invite peace instead of spiralling into fear.
Once you see emotions and feel them in your body, you get to question or even mock them.
- What has caused my anger?
- Why did I feel threatened by that person’s comment?
- What thought made me feel anxious?
When the shame arises, feel it. Take it all in. Do not brush off the embarrassing thought with any judgement or explanation. As you acknowledge the negative feeling, it loses its power.
- Notice the discomfort. Feel it inside your body.
- Be curious about it. Observe it.
- Don’t analyze it or judge it.
- Breathe. Allow it to pass.
You are allowed to have bad days and feel anger, resentment, and pain. It is how you proceed forward with those emotions that determine their influence over your life.
Negative emotions exist to keep us safe. We are evolutionarily wired to focus on negative experiences instead of positive ones, but having a constant negativity bias is no longer necessary for our survival.
When you face sadness or fear, ask yourself, will this situation matter a few months from now?
You will be amazed at how well this works to give you perspective and relief in the present.
This too shall pass
If you are having a bad day, remember, emotions pass. It is just a bad day, not a life sentence.
Negative feelings are fleeting unless we choose to hang on to them.
Feeling low is temporary. But the payoff you get from acknowledging and questioning negative emotions is for a lifetime. They make you stronger, wiser and happier.
Happiness does not come from positive quotes.
Happiness comes from conquering the lows.
Handling an emotional crisis leads to greater wisdom and results in lifetime benefits. Fear of life is really the fear of emotions. It is not the facts that we fear but our feelings about them. Once we have mastery over our feelings, our fear of life diminishes.
― David R. Hawkins
Rough times don’t last forever. But rough times make you tough. Challenges make an everlasting impact on your resilient attitude towards life. And they make us appreciate the good times.
Being tough doesn’t mean you don’t give in to your emotions. It means you are not afraid of them.
Nothing is more destructive to your growth than suppressing unwanted emotions. Acting like you are fine won’t bring you glory or spare you from suffering.
You are going to have good days and bad days. Neither are wrong, and all of them are necessary.
Life is a gift. Negative feelings come as a package.
If you choose to be grateful for your life, you also choose to be grateful for all it entails. The good. The bad. And all in between.
Highs don’t exist without lows. Learn to appreciate both, you will thrive.
Thank you for being here, — Kate