Mental Health

Feeling Overwhelmed? Embrace Success With the Power of No

Why do you say yes when you know you should say no?

A friend or an associate asks for your help on a project. You know you can do what they are asking for help with. While it’s not something you are passionate about, you recognize it is a worthwhile project and you care about the person asking so you say yes.

Have you heard of this old Polish expression?

Not my circus, not my monkey

This is a way of saying you are not the ringmaster and this is not your monkey. Here’s the deal. As soon as you say yes, you have essentially adopted that monkey.

It has moved from your friend’s shoulder to your own. Your friend is delighted because they know they can trust you to do what you say you will do. It is now comfortably ensconced on your shoulder.

Feeling Overwhelmed Yet?

Perhaps not yet. Then another friend asks for your help, it doesn’t seem like a big deal so you say yes and another. Your boss adds an unscheduled project and you get home to be greeted by your daughter in tears and needing your help.

You had planned on working on a project that is really important to you. It is something you are passionate about and are finally ready to get started.

You are overwhelmed with monkeys sitting on your shoulders, all grunting and squeaking for attention. It is just all too much. You are feeling weary just thinking about everything is just clearly overwhelming.

Your daughter is clearly a priority. You need to keep your boss happy. You exhaust yourself jumping through hoops for everyone else because you promised, and they are counting on you. You are an honorable individual who is committed to always keeping your word.

They are all someone else’s monkeys. It didn’t seem like a big deal when you adopted each one, but taken together they have become overwhelming.

You are paying a heavy price. Self-care has gone out of the window. The stress is taking a toll on your health and your relationships. And your monkey, that project you are so passionate about, got shoved on the back burner, again.

But that’s just life. It’s stressful.

Yes, it is when you make the choice to live that way.

When you have created your unique definition of success (learn more here about how to do so) you will know what things are great for you because they will be in alignment with that definition. Other things will be good, or maybe better, but they will not rise to your level of great.

What is great for you may only be good for me, and what is great for me may be only good for you. That does not make one more valuable than the other. It simply makes them different, which is as it should be as we are each unique individuals.

Learn to use that definition of success as a mindful filter, so you know when to say yes and when to say no.

But how do I say no when everyone expects me to say yes?

Consider this scenario. Susie asks Mary to help her with a project. Mary sees the importance of what Susie is doing, and she cares about Susie. In the past, she has said yes to similar requests so Susie is assuming Mary will say yes again.

After running Susie’s request through her recently learned mindful filter, she realizes it is only good for her, not great for her. How is she going to say no without damaging the relationship?

Taking a deep breath, she continues; “Susie, I love what you are doing and I know how important it is to you, but I am not in a position to help you with that right now. Please keep me updated on how it progresses. I will be excited to hear about your success.”

Mary has just done three things. She has declined Susie’s monkey while validating the importance of Susie’s project and reaffirming how important her relationship with Susie is to her.

Susie will be disappointed. She was counting on handing her monkey off to Mary, secure in the knowledge it would get done.

So what happens next?

Susie is now in the position of needing to find someone else to help her. If she is wise, she will seek someone who shares her passion. Together they can create something greater than Susie could have created with Mary’s help. This is because she is now working with someone equally committed to their shared vision. Their individual definitions of success are both in alignment with their shared project.

In the meantime, because Mary is not having to deal with Susie’s monkey, she has the time and energy to deal with her own. She is working on the project she is passionate about and that had languished while she dealt with everyone else’s monkeys.

The bottom line

You might say well Mary was just being selfish. NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT. This is the perfect example of a win-win. Susie created something great for her. It enriched her life. It enriched the lives of those in her circle of influence. It enriched the world. Mary had the freedom to create something that was great for her. It enriched her life.

It enriched the lives of those in her circle of influence. It enriched the world. That is a success any way you look at it. The burden of feeling overwhelmed disappeared. Glorious things happened. That is the power of saying no to good, so you can say yes to great.

There is significant power in NO. Embrace it.