Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of setting personal boundaries to manage one's time and priorities effectively, particularly for women, in order to lead a less stressful and more fulfilling life.

Abstract

The article, written by a life coach, addresses the common struggle of feeling overwhelmed, especially among women, and suggests that setting boundaries is a crucial step in managing this. It highlights that saying "no" is often difficult due to societal expectations and upbringing, but it is essential for personal well-being. The author defines boundaries as choices about what one will no longer tolerate, which must be communicated clearly. Different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and mental, are discussed, and the article underscores that without boundaries, individuals cannot care for themselves or their families effectively, leading to burnout and unhappiness. The piece also explores how boundaries help clarify priorities by forcing individuals to make choices and stick to them, thus requiring courage and discipline. It addresses common barriers to setting boundaries, such as fear of missing out (FOMO) and the burden of "shoulds," and offers a perspective on how letting go of these can lead to a more focused and intentional life. The author encourages readers to start setting boundaries by asking themselves when they last declined a request, made time for important activities, or turned down opportunities that didn't align with their goals.

Opinions

The author believes that women, in particular, struggle with setting boundaries due to societal conditioning to be nice and helpful.
Setting boundaries is portrayed as a path to a better life, allowing individuals to focus on what truly matters to them.
The article suggests that the inability to set boundaries is a significant contributor to feeling overwhelmed.
It is opinioned that the sheer number of choices in modern life makes it difficult to identify true priorities, and boundaries can help navigate this complexity.
The author expresses that saying "no" is not a permanent rejection but a way to manage current capacity and focus on what is most important at the moment.
The fear of missing out (FOMO) is seen as a hindrance to setting boundaries, with the author suggesting that opportunities will still be available later.
The author advocates for the importance of being aware of and challenging the "shoulds" that dictate unnecessary obligations.
The article encourages a mindset shift from trying to do everything to understanding that one can do anything but not everything simultaneously.
The author invites readers to practice saying "no" more often to experience the positive effects on their energy, time, and mental health.

Feeling Overwhelmed? Boundaries May Be Your Cure

Saying “no” more often to say “yes” to what really matters.

As a life coach, one of the most common questions I get asked by my clients is about setting boundaries. And I’ve observed that it’s a particularly tricky issue for women.

I get it. It is incredibly uncomfortable to say “no”, especially to people who are close to us. But it’s even more so for women. As girls, we were taught to be “nice” and helpful, and to avoid being selfish or demanding. As a result, we minimise or hide our needs while putting everyone else’s needs in front of our own.

Unfortunately, it means often we grow up not knowing how to confront difficult people, say “no”, or speak up to get our needs met in a calm, clear and confident way.

I am no exception. It took me forever to learn how to set boundaries and I’d be lying if I say I’m 100% comfortable with it today. But the difference between my younger self and my older — and hopefully wiser — self now is that I understand how damn important it is, so I do it despite my discomfort.

What Are Boundaries?

“Better boundaries lead to a better life.” — Anonymous

My favourite definition of boundaries is making a choice of what you will no longer tolerate from now on, then clearly communicating that choice over time.

There are many different types of boundaries: physical, emotional, mental, social, sexual, etc. They can be either big or small, or anything in between.

When it comes to simplifying our lives in order to stress less, enjoy life and avoid burnout, I cannot stress more how important it is to set boundaries. Why?

I see time and time again that when we feel “overwhelmed”, it’s often because we are unwilling or unable to set boundaries.

And the truth is, we can’t take good care of ourselves and our family if we’re constantly giving and not getting the same in return. Our happiness and productivity will suffer because we are constantly running ourselves ragged trying be everything to everyone.

At the end of the day, we can’t please everyone. It’s mission impossible. And more importantly, it’s actually not our job to make everyone happy.

Boundaries Are the Gateway to Our Priorities

While setting boundaries may not be so important in the “old days” when most of us only had to consider a handful of choices at a time, these days our choices have exploded. The number of choices we have, and therefore the number of decisions we have to make are close to 35,000 a day. That’s crazy!

It’s no wonder that sometimes it’s hard to know what we really want and have clarity around our priorities. Fortunately, most people seem to have a pretty good idea about what they don’t want i.e. their boundaries. In this way, our boundaries can be a gateway to uncover our priorities.

Here’s a simple example — if you have a boundary around your time and you don’t work at night or on weekends, then it’s likely that your family or your personal downtime is a top priority for you.

Boundaries can also confirm (or reconfirm) our priorities. Our yeses become more solid when we set boundaries around them.

To illustrate, you may have already identified fitness as a priority, but unless you block out time in your busy schedule for your workouts, you haven’t actually confirmed to yourself that it’s truly important. It remains just something that’s nice to do or a good idea — among a hundred other things that compete for your attention constantly — rather than an essential part of your life.

Biggest Barriers to Saying No

“Discipline is remembering what you want.” — David Campbell

When we set boundaries by blocking out time or investing other resources, we’re effectively saying “no” to everything else for a period of time, such as watching Netflix or hanging out with our friends.

And, yes, it can be challenging sometimes as it requires making tough choices and sticking with them, which in term requires courage and discipline

In fact, many people break out into cold sweats when they hear that in order to set boundaries, they need to make choices and let go of everything else. Their sense of responsibility gets the better of them and they want to hold onto everything on their plate for fear of being labelled “irresponsible” or “undependable”.

Alternatively, their Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) gets the better of them and they worry about missing out on all the great “opportunities” and they delay setting clear boundaries around their top priorities.

Letting Go of “Shoulds” Shackle and FOMO

I’d like to offer a different perspective here. First, if you’re someone who already has a full plate but cannot let go of any of your responsibilities, consider the possibility that while everything may appear to be super urgent and important, it’s not so.

What most of what we think we need to do don’t actually need to get done right now, or to the extent we think they should be done. Instead, they are things we do out of habit or a sense of obligation. In other words, there are our “shoulds”.

For example, most of us spend a lot of time on our emails because we think we should respond quickly to other people’s questions or requests, or we think we should clear our inbox every day. We develop the habit of checking emails first thing in the morning, and then multiple times throughout the day. It gives us a sense of being productive without actually doing our important work.

As for FOMO — the fear of missing out — there are many, many great opportunities these days. For most of us lucky enough to live in a developed country like Australia or the US, our problem isn’t that we don’t have enough options or opportunities, it’s having too many!

And that’s where setting boundaries — and the clarity and focus that comes from it — could really help us navigate our busy, complex and sped-up lives. Rather than trying to seize every opportunity under the sun, it’s much better to step back and see if the shiny new object actually fits in with our bigger goals and vision.

By the way, just because you’re saying no to an opportunity now doesn’t mean you’re saying no to it forever. It is just for now. More likely than not, the same opportunity (or another version of it) will still be around when you finally have the time and energy to go for it without distractions.

Getting Started on Boundaries

As I’d like to say to my clients: Yes, the sky is the limit and you can do anything, but you can’t do everything at once. (And even if you can, it doesn’t mean you should!)

For those of you who are new to setting boundaries, here are a few questions to get you started:

When was the last time you said “no” when someone asked you to help them?
When was the last time you blocked out time or cleared your schedule to do something that’s important to you or that you love?
When was the last time you turned down an opportunity because it didn’t fit in with your bigger goals, or you already had a full plate?

Your answers to these questions can be very enlightening. As they say, awareness is the first step to change.

My Invitation to you is to say “no” more often this week. Even just once or twice. You’d be amazed at the different it makes to your energy level and time, not to mention your sanity.

Annie is an ICF-certified life coach. She is the author of Brave Again and has a quick cheatsheet on setting healthy boundaries step-by-step, including what to say.