Feeling Inferior to Others Literally Made My Life Miserable
The slow death of your grit isn't something you can easily compensate with.
I never thought my destiny would bring me here someday, where every moment I feel like I’m drowning. A nagging internal voice tells me that I’m throwing my life away. I’ve had a million conversations in my head.
I’m not good enough!
I don’t belong here!
Maybe I'm different from everyone else!
No, this is not a nightmare; this is how I felt every day, even when I was surrounded by people.
What it was like to force myself to tolerate a miserable life
I wasn’t supposed to be the doctor my family wanted me to be, not even a geologist that accidentally happened to my life until I fell into this backward.
The course has just been such a disappointment for me. I found it uninteresting, unstimulating to the level that I couldn’t make myself convince to continue. There was not a single option to change the course. It’s just left me feeling crestfallen.
Nevertheless, forcing myself to be there was the worst decision I ever made in my life. At first, I thought it would be okay over time, but I never thought it would be so scary.
After spending a month, I couldn’t convince myself to stay there then I decided to take a year off and retake admission. Yet, I was only trying to escape without having any actual purpose. Then it was the irony that brought back there that I left behind. It turned out I’m in a place where I never meant to be with no friends.
It brought a hell of suffering into my life and that I never thought I would experience. And ultimately, I had to pay the price of sabotaging my five years of university life to be there I never wanted to be!
Shit started to happen…
My year final result came out, and I got the second last position, which was pretty much expected.
I’d gone through intense mockery and was bullied by my classmates because of my indifferent temperament. Everything good in my life fell apart. I felt desperately alone and in need of multiple hugs. But there was no one there to back me up with emotional support.
When I realize looking for friendship even didn’t work, I locked every door of compassion and friendship.
It was more like a prison where everyone around you is chilling when you are treating like an inert substance seeming not to exist there!
The worst thing was I started to feel inferior to others. This intense humiliation and poor result weigh me down to the level when I believed I’m not worth anything.
Life sucked when you lost your purpose.
When you are not in the right place, you will suddenly lose the sense of worth that I was overwhelmed with.
I wasn’t sure about the purpose of my life except for a shuttle passion for literature and music. Even though I wasn’t sure about my purpose in life, there was one thing I certainly knew I wasn’t meant to be a geologist.
I couldn’t find any future ahead of me around that course that matches my desire. So I can’t work my way up the ladder either. It was like I’m staring at the blank paper, trying to figure out something out of it.
It really did put me in a horrible situation. I never felt engaged or attentive in the course, and my lack of interest threw me down, where I lost my purpose.
You are dead inside when you’ve lost your grit.
If you Google it, “define grit.”
It will be popped up _
“courage and resolve; strength of character.”
Duckworth summarizes grit well in her TED talk:
“Grit is sticking with your future, day in and day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality.”
When a person lost their grit, they are more likely to cave under pressure and give up prematurely.
When I struggled to fight back with life, a part of my mind knew I have to be more resilient to get through these tough times. I kept saying myself God’s plan is better than mine; maybe there is something good why I’m here today. But that day never came! Even though it was a fake promise that took my mind off for a while when I was surrounded with grief.
It was hard to stick to something that doesn’t fascinate you. So, the first step to developing grit is to find something interesting to spend my time on. But as I have no friends at the department, most of the time, I was stressed, more likely to overcast, spiraling down the rabbit hole in my dormitory.
So I was far away searching for my passion and purpose.
Having no purpose and losing grit, I was feeling insanely inferior. My life seems to have an end. And I found myself worthless anyway.
I was a victim inside of my mind
I was overwhelmed by incompleteness, smallness, ignorance, and just overall not being able to entirely rely on myself. That was how I was constantly living, believing that I’m not as equally as important as those around me.
When I really wanted to move on. And I’ve kind of got to a point where I didn’t think anything was going to work. I’d been procrastinating and overthinking for a long time.
The reality of our brains and bodies is that we often hold on to the negative because it’s a stronger emotion that causes us to focus on that specific memory and burn it into our psyche.
All those inferiorities shattered my confidence into pieces. I cursed myself to death every day for being so weird that kept me doing what I was capable of.
What you can takeaway
When we are at the wrong place and force ourselves to be there, even though it’s dragging us down, we ended up with a terrible upshot. But, if we are holding ourselves accountable for those failures, this guilt and contempt can increase a person’s vulnerability to deep depression and ultimately kill the courage you need to confront.
Although I’ve slowly learned to live my life purposefully, I lost the most important time, which I killed unwillingly.
You’re not just going to wake up feeling a sense of security, which you are without. You know you can’t do anything about the past. However, in order to become someone you want, you need to start from the beginning.
When you don’t take care of yourself because you believe you do not matter, you end up becoming vulnerable and overall not having positive energy to pitch in; you end up treating others poorly too because you’re in a world that will always reflect in reality.
Learn to care more about what you think of you rather than what a stranger thinks of you. Never let your dream die until you strive harder.
I really believe you matter; I believe that you can make a difference. I believe that no one should live feeling like they don’t matter. Never look in the mirror and judge yourself based on someone else. Only the person you were yesterday. This is something that you truly need to absorb.
If you go undefeated as a victim. It’s easy to invite situations of inferiority to knock on your door.