Stop Believing Everything You Say to Yourself
You could be lying.
How we talk to ourselves plays a major role in how we feel. Engaging in negative self-talk, falling into all-or-nothing thinking, or catastrophizing about what may never happen is our brain trying to keep us safe and driving us crazy at the same time.
We have a built-in brain mechanism that is vigilant in every aspect of our lives at all times and is wired to notice any potential danger. Because of our evolutionary need to quickly recognize and respond to potential danger, research done by John Cacioppo, Ph.D., shows that the brain reacts more strongly to negative stimuli than positive ones
When we become stressed or overwhelmed, when we are faced with anything that challenges our sense of safety, our early warning system is triggered. Unfortunately, it doesn’t distinguish between a venomous snake and a quickly approaching deadline. We become focused on everything that is or could be or might be or may never be wrong in order to stay safe.
“Even in the modern world, our mind always churns to find hazards and opportunities in the data we derive from our surroundings, somewhat like a search engine server. Our brain goes one step further, however, by also thinking proactively, a task that takes even more mental processing.” — Professor Barry Gordon, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, in Scientific American.
Our brain can send us down the-worst-thing-that-can-happen path and imprison us there with few resources to help us climb out. When we imagine the worst, we become our own worst enemy.
In her TedTalk A simple trick to improve positive thinking, social psychologist Alison Ledgerwood, UC Davis, describes her research that shows how our minds get stuck in negatives. For example, characterizing a glass of water as half-full is a gain frame, and describing it as half-empty is a loss frame. Once we are in a loss frame about something, it is hard to switch to a gain frame because it’s easier to go from a gain frame to a negative frame than vice versa. We have to work harder to change our perspective and thoughts, but it is possible.
We are not our thoughts; we are the ones doing the thinking, and we can fool ourselves into believing that we’re right — even when we aren’t. The more we believe our negative self-talk, the more we undermine our coping ability and self-confidence. According to Psychology Today:
“People who believe negative self-talk is valid often imagine that it is honest; that it limits their ego; that it prepares them for disappointment; or that they simply deserve it. Considering whether they think it would be useful or fair to speak to a good friend the same way can help them understand why they should stop justifying their self-criticism, and instead work to silence it.”
How to Talk to Ourselves More Positively
When we find ourselves with overwhelming, often conflicting, demands, we can become so focused on our situation and its negative consequences that we give into defeat. We spiral downward into negativity and doubt when we most need positivity and confidence. The antidote is to become aware of what we are saying to ourselves — to become mindful of what we are thinking. To listen to ourselves and discover how our thoughts are affecting us.
If our thoughts are negative and worrisome, we need to come to a quick, full stop. Surprisingly, just saying, “Stop!” aloud can quiet the internal monologue. If people around you freeze in their tracks and stare at you, just smile, tap your ear, and move on. They’ll think you’re on the phone.
After we have stopped the thoughts, we can take action to mitigate their effects and, over time, and change our tendency to talk to ourselves negatively. Researchers at the University of Michigan studied the use of pronouns in self-talk with several groups of participants. They found that:
“Pronoun use impacted how the participants managed their emotions. Those using second- and third-person pronouns were less emotionally distressed both before and after the task than those who used first-person pronouns — and they appraised future anxiety-provoking situations as more challenging than threatening.” — Guy Winch Ph.D., Psychology Today
The second person pronoun is a two-edged sword. We can use it to castigate ourselves or to encourage us. It’s not enough to just use, you; we also must pay attention to how we use it. The key to supportive self-talk is addressing ourselves as if we were talking to someone we love. This triggers greater empathy and helps us exercise greater emotional intelligence toward ourselves.
For example:
- “You’ll never get this done on time” vs. “You’re capable of doing whatever is needed to meet the deadline.”
- “Your proposal sucks” vs. “You can fix it.”
- “You blew that presentation” vs. “You’ll do better next time.”
Talking to ourselves with direct address can uplift us, depending on how we use it and what we say to ourselves.
“….The language people use to refer to the self during introspection may influence self-distancing, and thus have consequential implications for their ability to regulate their thoughts, feelings, and behavior under stress.” Ethan Kross, Ph.D., Self-Talk as a Regulatory Mechanism: How You Do It Matters
Gratitude is another way of managing self-talk. Dr. Ledgerwood’s data show that just writing about things we are grateful for every day can boost our happiness, wellbeing, and health over time. Additional research has shown that if we write our gratitude statements using first person pronouns, it has a greater overall effect. We can train ourselves to frame things more positively if we become more mindful and are willing to put in the effort to shift our negative thinking into a more positive mode.
“Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.” ― David Taylor-Klaus
Mind Cafe’s Reset Your Mind: A Free 10-Day Email Course
We’re offering a free course to all of our new subscribers as a thank you for your continued support. When you sign up using this link, we’ll send you tips on how to boost mental clarity and focus every two days.
