12 Love Lessons From My 12-Month Relationship With The Woman Of My Dreams

Love is nothing like in the movies.

Before I met my current girlfriend, I hadn’t had a serious relationship in over 15 years.

Sure, there have been flings, flirts, and affairs. Still, I was never with someone where I felt mutual attraction on an emotional and physical level.

Part of it had to do with my bad habit of crushing on unavailable people. Part of it had to do with me not being interested in those who were chasing after me.

After an especially crucial heartbreak in 2019, I finally made peace with the thought that maybe a “serious” relationship would not be what the universe had planned for me.

I told whatever higher power was watching over me that I was ready to be alone for the rest of my life. But I was also prepared for someone with who I could share a healthy relationship with.

In short, I was done with relationship dramas.

And in a series of mysterious coincidences, I met her. I met the girl that perfectly fit the version I described when I created my perfect day. In the 12 months that we have been together, I learned 12 valuable love lessons.

Here they are for your enjoyment and inspiration:

1. Love Does Not Have To Hurt, and Relationships Don’t Have To Be Painful

My past experiences with love were anything but loving. For years love seemed to be what movies and song lyrics try to portray: a battlefield filled with hurt, pain, and struggle.

During the last 12 months, I have experienced the opposite.

Love is easy, filled with understanding, harmony, and peace. That doesn’t mean we don’t have misunderstandings or conflicting interests at times. But solution finding is easy, almost effortless.

I think this is how love should feel: it should give you peace, harmony, and strength instead of struggle, pain, and anxiety.

2. Having A Partner Who Believes In You, Can Catapult You To New Heights

Since I have known my girlfriend, I have achieved several goals that once seemed unreachable for me.

For example, even though she doesn’t share my passion for running, she is one of my biggest supporters. I never feel guilty when I am out on a long run, time that I could spend with her. As a result of this, I have had some great successes in races this year.

In the past, I would often get criticized for spending time on my passions. Be it running or writing. Now, I can pursue both of these interests with the peace of mind I need to succeed at them.

3. You Need To Heal Yourself To Build A Healthy Relationship

As I have described in previous articles, I grew up with severe social anxiety. Making friends was a struggle. Being in love was an even bigger one.

I have never felt safe and secure enough to not be constantly jealous.

In the past 3 years, I have done a lot of healing, reading, and practicing what I learned. I made peace with my past and made a conscious effort to heal myself.

Once I could love myself and practice self-compassion, I could make space for a person who loved me the way I am. Besides, I can love now without being overly needy or clingy.

4. Open And Regular Communication Is Essential

If you want to build a healthy relationship with the person you love, be willing to communicate openly and regularly. This includes open and judgment-free listening and making space for each other to express their feelings.

I have always had difficulty expressing my feelings and tend to shut down or run away when confronted with challenging conversations.

However, I have learned that I need to practice being vulnerable, facing my fears, and expressing my feelings and desires.

Even though I am afraid of being judged.

5. Love Is A Verb

If you want to feel loved every day, then love every day. Love is a choice you make every day. Show your partner that you love them.

This doesn’t mean that you need to bring presents every time you need them or that you need to go on exciting dates every week. Small actions that make them feel loved.

Most importantly, being present when you are with them will keep the spark alive. A hug after a long day, a loving text out of the blue, a meal shared in each other’s presence — without TV or smartphones as a distraction.

You can turn any moment into a romantic one.

6. Boundaries Are Important

Communicate your boundaries early in the relationship and respect the boundaries of your partner. It will show them that you respect and care for them.

This may sound like a no-brainer, but unfortunately, I have known many relationships where boundaries were violated and disrespectful communication was a given.

I consider myself lucky to have found a person who values respect and acceptance of other people’s boundaries as much as I do.

7. Having Shared Interests Is Vital

This seems like a logical prerequisite for a happy relationship. Still, strangely enough, I have friends in relationships where they don’t share the same interests with their partner.

Likewise, I crushed on people who had completely different interests than me. Is it any wonder I experienced unrequited love that often?

With my current girlfriend, that has changed. We both have a passion for literature and arts, spending time in nature and cooking. Logically we spend our time together, doing things we both enjoy.

8. Having Different Interests Spices Up The Relationship

While having shared interests is vital if you want to enjoy magical moments and create lasting memories with your partner, having different interests spices up the relationship.

Celebrate your differences and see them as an opportunity for growth.

Besides our shared interests, my girlfriend and I have several hobbies independent of each other. We also have entirely different circadian rhythms.

As a result, I have expanded my knowledge on several topics. I am also learning to accept more flexibility in my self-inflicted rigid schedule because I want to spend quality time with my girlfriend.

9. Love Has No Room For Blame Or Victimhood

While the relationship with my girlfriend is the healthiest I have ever found myself in, we have had our share of misunderstandings and unintentionally hurting each other.

However, both of us practice the principle of “seeking to understand first,” and I am still in awe of how quickly we can dissolve tension.

We don’t blame each other or play the victim when disagreements or misunderstandings arise.

If misunderstandings occur in your relationship, communicate your desires and what hurt you, but don’t fall into the trap of playing the victim. Instead, view the two of you as a team that can resolve the tension together.

10. Your Heart Knows More Than Your Mind

As cliché as it sounds, when you know, you know. There have been times when I tried to discern why I was so attracted to my girlfriend, but I couldn’t do it.

Sure, on an intellectual level, there are many reasons. But no matter how many character traits or physical characteristics I would pick and combine, I never felt that I found an answer to “why” I love her.

Instead, I have a deep, inner knowing. That voice never fails to guide me when I am still enough to listen.

11. Fear Of Commitment Is A Fear Of Yourself

Part of the reason I was single for such a long time before committing to my current girlfriend is my fear of commitment.

One of my best friends once described me as being “hyper-independent.” One of my brothers thinks I cannot live with another person because I have “such a high need for independence.”

Yet here I am, planning our moving in together with my partner. I won’t deny I am afraid. But I am not afraid of committing to her. I am scared of messing up, of hurting her, of not being good enough.

12. Keeping Independence Is Vital

You and your partner are your own persons. Despite what movies and books like to portray, you don’t need a partner “to complete you.” You are already a complete person. As I mentioned earlier, before I met my girlfriend, I accepted that I might be alone forever. I believe that is the main reason I can love healthily now. I know that my partner and I complement each other and enrich our lives, but we don’t need each other to feel whole and complete.