Fauci Gave the Green Light

Somebody from Tinder please get over here and fuck me

You can’t believe everything you read, but there it was the other day, Dr. Fauci was asked if it is OK to have someone over from Tinder for sex.

He hemmed and hawed a little, but the bottom line was, if you are willing to take the risk, go ahead.

I don’t know about being willing to take the risk. That’s a question for my head. But what we’re talking about here, Dr. Fauci, is about my soul. I need a soul connection to another human being through our sexual organs and I need it now.

I am lonely. Quarantining alone is not the hardest thing, but it has strange effects. For instance, I have started talking to myself out loud. I need a friend to come over and do me, so I can start talking to a real person.

“It’s what’s called relative risk,” Dr. Fauci said. “If you really feel that you don’t want to have any part of this virus, will you maintain six feet away, wear a mask, do all the things that we talk about in the guidelines?”

Er, we could try that. Sure, we’ll start out six feet away with masks on, and see how it goes, how’s that doc?

ME: Hey, whatup? You wanna come over?

ANTONIO: Come over? FR?

ME: Yes. Netflix?

ANTONIO: And chill?

ME: RN.

ANTONIO: I don’t know. I got my grandpa living here. I don’t want to bring him home nuthin.

ME: Yeah. I get it.

ANTONIO: But later yeah. When this all ends.

ME: Yeah, when this all ends.

So anyhow, Dr. Fauci talked about relative risk and so on. He didn’t talk about the one thing we have to overcome in order to hook up on Tinder during the quarantine — social shame.

Antonio made me feel ashamed of myself — was I trying to kill his abuelo? What kind of a person am I?

When we make the decision to go on Tinder and invite someone over, we are not just risking ourselves, are we? What about all the other people who could get infected if we get infected?

Well, with me, that’s no-one, because I live alone. Alright, I get it. I simply need to find someone who also lives alone and we can be bad together without endangering any collateral damage. Simple!

ME: Hey Rodrigo. It’s me, Ashley.

Message read.

That’s called being left on read. I understand. I went out with Rodrigo once, about a month and a half ago, then I ghosted him. My own fault. Karma is a bitch.

OK. There must be more guys I know who live alone. Shit. Alright, let me just start swiping right.

ME: Hey, it’s me Ashley. Do you live alone?

DAVID: Huh?

ME: You swiped right. Let’s get to the point. Do you live alone and are you OK with breaking quarantine. If not…next.

Weird two minute interval. Feel like I have been left on read again. Then:

DAVID: I live alone. Why?

ME: No reason. Just making conversation.

A couple days of texting, doing my due diligence, using all my hacking skills to ensure this “David” is really called David and is not a psycho, then putting special protective spells around my house, and putting special bullets in my 44, I invite David over to “hang.”

Dr. Fauci, I would like to thank you. I really needed that release.

I kind of jumped on him as soon as he got in the door. It was just so amazing to be near another human being. I think he felt the same. He said he hadn’t seen anybody in four weeks. Wow. We were like a couple of starving wanderers who suddenly found food. We feasted on each other. Then we feasted again, Dr. Fauci.

It was at one point during the first feasting that I saw your face, that funny little old man face, and you were not really sure you should be condoning this feasting we were doing. And I understand why.

It’s another day. I’m alone at home during the quarantine. I’m wondering if David is going to text. I’m not going to text first. Yeah, I’m playing that game.

All of this so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

And I feel alone.

I get it Dr. Fauci. Relative risk. That’s what it’s all about — not just the coronavirus. Everything.

What is the relative risk of hooking up? Connecting? Trying to pursue a relationship? Making yourself vulnerable? I get it.

We have to take that risk, Doc. We just do. It might not work out for us, but even if it doesn’t, we will be OK.

Don’t worry about me, Doc. I’ll be fine.

Really.