Famous Writers Pitch to Target For A New Line Of Quote-Covered Merchandise

Summary

The VP of White People Products at Target is evaluating famous writers' submissions for a new line of inspirational quote-covered merchandise, favoring playful and quirky content while rejecting darker themes.

Abstract

The Vice President of Target's "White People Products" division has convened a meeting with famous writers to select quotes for a new product line aimed at capturing a specific market demographic. The products include items like bird feeders, rustic furniture, and bath products. The VP, who claims responsibility for a significant portion of the company's revenue, is looking for content that aligns with Target's brand identity, which he describes as akin to Walmart but without a Southern accent. Charles Dickens' submission is appreciated for its whimsical elements but rejected for its references to child labor and illness. Maya Angelou's withdrawal from the submission process is noted as a missed opportunity, given the appeal of her work to the target demographic. Shel Silverstein's playful and surreal quotes are highly praised, seen as a perfect fit for the intended audience, and the VP expresses a desire to collaborate further with him, offering an unconventional retainer payment of bluegrass CDs.

Opinions

The VP values quotes that evoke a sense of humor and whimsy, aligning with Target's brand image.
Dickens' references to the harsh realities of Victorian society are deemed inappropriate for the upbeat tone Target wishes to maintain.
Maya Angelou's cultural significance is acknowledged, with an implication that her work is particularly appealing to the white, middle-class demographic.
Shel Silverstein's imaginative and somewhat absurd style is celebrated as ideal for the new product line, with the VP particularly taken by the quirky and darkly humorous undertones.
The VP shows a preference for products that are both made of plastic and have a rustic or homespun aesthetic, suggesting a disconnect between the brand's image and its actual practices.
The VP's offer of bluegrass CDs as a retainer payment indicates a quirky corporate culture or a tongue-in-cheek understanding of artist compensation.

“I’m ready to make a decision about whose work fits the Walmart-without-a-Southern-accent vibe we aim for at Target.”

You must be the writers. I can tell because you smell like sadness and your clothes look like they came from dusty trunks. Oh, they did come from dusty trunks? Anyway, thanks for coming to our corporate headquarters. We’re here because I’m important. In fact, as the VP of White People Products for Target, I’m responsible for 86% of our merchandise revenue.

I’ve invited you here today because I’ve been looking for some ideas for our new line of inspirational quote merchandise. I’m talking bird feeders, rustic entryway furniture, tote bags specifically for apple picking, themed seasonal coffee creamer, sea salt, and, of course, bath products. I just read your submissions 15 minutes ago because I’m an executive, and I’m ready to make a decision about whose work fits the Walmart-without-a-southern-accent vibe we aim for at Target.

We can start with you, Charles Dickens. Chuck, let me tell you, my knee is still sore from slapping it so much while I was reading your submission. “What greater gift than the love of a cat.” It doesn’t get more Target than that! And I got a huge kick out of the silly names you used. I can already see this Wackford Squeers character joining Bullseye, our corporate mascot dog, in a hilarious marketing campaign for these new products. Maybe they take a crazy road trip together and Wackford gets mad because Bullseye won’t let him drive. Imagine that! A dog driving across the country. We’d sell so many bird feeders!

On the other hand, I didn’t like your quotes about all of the crippled children, covered in the physical and emotional traumas of Victorian labor practices. Like this one, “I’m sorry I can’t scrub the floors today, miss, but even my callouses have consumption.” Or this one, “Please, Mr. Scrooge, I don’t want to be your stool today.” I take child labor regulations very seriously — when my boss is looking! I kid! In all seriousness, we can’t use your submission. But hey, let me know if this Tiny Tim fella ever gets over his tuberculosis.

It looks like we would have had Maya Angelou next. Unfortunately she withdrew her submission. That’s a shame because there’s nothing white people love more than appropriating black culture.

Okay, that leaves us with you, Shel Silverstein. Shelly, baby, I like what I saw in your submission. I mean, this could really get our customers excited to buy various kinds of plastic. Did I mention all of these products will be made exclusively of plastic? Sweet, sweet dinosaur dust. Anyway, I loved the playful energy and psychotic randomness that you brought to the table. One minute you’re celebrating a girl who’s a serial liar and hypochondriac, then you’re talking about a boy who gets decapitated and sits on his own head. And I loved the one about the guy that steals peoples’ skin, “So if he makes your bright eyes cry or makes your poor head spin, that scoundrel you see is not really me — he’s the coo-coo who’s wearing my skin.” I honestly felt like I was having a hallucination when I read that one — just amazing.

It also felt like you were writing to five-year-olds. I think that borderline insanity and childishness is exactly what our customers look for when they’re buying bird feeders and furniture that screams I live in a cul-de-sac and I’m doing my best to ease my anxiety with this end table that makes my cookie cutter house feel rustic and my husband more masculine by the transitive property.

Like I was saying, you’ve got something here, Shelamino. And as a measure of good faith for the bright future we have together, I’d like to offer you a retainer payment of a cappella bluegrass CDs on your way out. Would you believe we’re still the only company that sells those?

Anyway, I have a spacious corner office and individually wrapped, 70 percent cocoa chocolates to get back to so I suppose we’re done here. Wait, are you writing more material right now? What do you mean it’s a poem about me eating a pile of plastic goods and then my body elongating like a large snake so you can see the outline of all the items I ate? Genius. I can’t wait to get that onto some totes!

Famous Writers Pitch For Target’s New Line Of Quote-Covered Merchandise

“I’m ready to make a decision about whose work fits the Walmart-without-a-Southern-accent vibe we aim for at Target.”