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Summary

The website content discusses the author's painful decision to cut ties with their family due to psychological trauma and manipulation, emphasizing the misconceptions around familial estrangement and the journey towards healing and self-discovery.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal account of familial estrangement, revealing the emotional turmoil and the last resort nature of their decision to distance themselves from their family. Despite their efforts to maintain relationships and set boundaries, the author faced manipulation, blame-shifting, and a lack of genuine apologies. The article underscores that estrangement is often a self-protective measure rather than an act of malice, and it highlights the author's path to healing, self-love, and a stronger connection with their chosen family and spirituality. The narrative also acknowledges the support available from a community of individuals with similar experiences and encourages self-empowerment and personal growth.

Opinions

  • The author believes that estrangement is a difficult choice made only when all other options have been exhausted.
  • They express that true effort from family members would involve genuine attempts at understanding and respecting boundaries, not manipulation or control.
  • The author suggests that mental health professionals, friends, and literature have confirmed the potential unsafety of their familial relationships.
  • They feel that society often misunderstands the reasons behind someone's decision to walk away from their family, attributing it to negative intentions rather than self-preservation.
  • The author emphasizes the importance of self-care and setting boundaries for personal well-being, despite the pain and societal stigma associated with estrangement.
  • They advocate for the healing power of time, self-education, and community support in overcoming the grief of psychological trauma.
  • The author encourages others in similar situations to prioritize their own needs and to recognize their worth, affirming that they are not alone in their journey.

Familial Estrangement

A Misconception…

Perhaps this misconception is true only for me, but I believe it probably is for many, or at the very least some — even if only a few, I feel the need to bring it to the forefront.

It may or may not be obvious and it is something I have mentioned in other articles…

It’s is NOT something we would have chosen if we did not feel we had to… It’s is an absolute LAST Resort.

All I really wanted was for my parents to try, or want to try, and not this fake make it look good for other people but really not actually trying. If you're trying, you wouldn’t keep trying to manipulate me to do what you want. It wouldn’t be about your needs and agenda.

As I have mentioned and read from other authors and heard from other people in estrangement (on both sides of the coin), someone who wants to be in your life will show you, tell you, try everything he/she can and then some.

I have met parents who want nothing more than to figure out how to make it work, make it right, show how much they care, really do their best to listen and improve the relationship — if only they were given the chance.

As tears stream my face now and often, I just wanted my parents to try — truly try.

Why was I the one fighting to keep the relationship when I was the one trying to set boundaries in order to stop having pain being inflicted upon me?

Why was I the one trying so hard to be open and understanding, patient and kind, forgiving, etc., while also for the first time and with extreme difficulty trying to set-boundaries?

Why was the reason/excuse/apology something like ‘ we all have things to apologize for’, or ‘you’ve made mistakes too’, or ‘what would Jesus do’, or blaming everyone anything else (at one point even the whole rest of the WORLD -no fucking joke!), and so many, many other excuses variations of supposed ‘apologies’ that were never actually apologies?

Why did it feel like the blame was still being placed on me rather than any acceptance on their part, unless it was grouped as no one is perfect and we all need to come together to reconcile — so that they could manipulate me and take control… And, of course they wanted juuuuust me there, not my husband. I am certain they wanted to convince me it was him. He was my protector and they wanted someone to blame — heaven forbid someone give a damn about my health and well-being or that I was the one desperately trying to make a stand, he was just being a wonderfully supportive husband who was not pressuring me one way or the other.

More than one mental health professional, friend, or other holistic practitioner (as well as many books and references) was brave and honest enough to inform me that these relationships were very likely unsafe.

Evens, I still did everything I could to maintain and hope beyond hope to improve our relationship, until finally came the day when I just had to stop warning and actually cut ties. First it was my parents, after initially cutting ties with my sister which is part of what initiated all of this (even though many times in the past they practically encouraged it and sooooo much more…). Then it was my brothers who also could just not accept my boundaries — that I didn’t want information shared to me or about me in regards to these other members of the family. I recognized how hard this all must be and I apologized for it all, but that I needed to have these boundaries respected — they of course pursued much of the same routes as my previous family members had: guilt, blame, hypocrisy, twisting, manipulation, gas-lighting, ignore the situation, silent treatment, etc. and so here I am now, still desperately trying to understand why, how?

The misconception is that many people do not understand that someone who walks aways is not being selfish, deliberately hurtful, spiteful, vengeful, hateful, unforgiving, etc. etc. etc., but rather is doing his/her best to protect him/herself and potentially also their chosen family.

IT IS NOT SOMETHING DESIREABLE.

It is Pain and Anguish that is Indescribable and without reason or understanding how and why…

Read my article: The Unspoken, Incomprehensible, and often Unknown Grief of Survivors of Psychological Trauma to gain an insight to the challenges one goes through because of this experience.

I want to end this with a glimmer of hope though.

Even though it has been years since I had to break ties, and years of me trying as best I could and knew how to not have to do that, and yyeeeeeaaars of so much shit I cannot even begin to get into here — nor want to anymore — I am healing, and you can too.

It was completely unplanned, undesirable, unpleasant, and not something I ever thought possible, but it has allowed me

FREEDOM. HEALING. SELF-LOVE. A CLOSER RELATIONSHIP w MYSELF, MY HUSBAND, and MY SPIRITUALITY.

I have felt my own variation of your pain. I see you. I have totally felt my own variation of your hesitation, your desire to ‘make things better’, to not have to feel like you are causing pain… I hear you.

But, what about you? What about your needs? What about YOUR PAIN? Would you ever treat someone like this? What would you say to a loved one being treated like this? If they deserve better, why don’t you?

Set yourself free!

It’s going to hurt, but it will also be one of the best things you have ever done!

It’s going to take time, effort, many tears, screams of anguish, sounds of heartfelt heart-breaking heart-wrenching painful sobbing, questioning everything … self-education, a LOT of self-love, growth and self-improvement and self-awareness… but in time, your cocoon will turn you into something whole again, something beautifully uniquely you and yours. Something you can choose to share should you choose. Something that fills your life with meaning and joy … you will be reborn.

Sure, there may or may not still be moments here and there, but over all, you will find your peace, your joy, your rainbow, your unicorn, your Pegasus, your bliss, your magical dream, etc.

You are not alone. Many, sadly, have some before you. You have a community to help you, guide you, love you, support you, offer advice, condolences, recommendations, references, and so much more.

In this crazy, painful, fucked-up journey, you will have the gift not everyone has/takes. A journey to/of the self. You have the opportunity to not only start fresh, to rediscover and/or reinvent yourself, but to dive in deeply and become in tune with your most true authentic self. To touch into your soul self.

I think that through this immense emotional pain, I was able to learn how to being to tap into my ‘higher’ self, my truest self. I learned that I am who I am and that I truly never sacrificed the essence of who I was — I am a giver, I am a lover of life and people and God and this planet… I learned to accept that I am, at my core, the person I hoped I was.

Now, I just need to step into my power and out of my self-limiting behaviors and/or beliefs, and I bet you do too.

Anyway, just know you are loved and you can and will get through this — don’t give up on yourself.

To Your Health, Happiness, and Well-being. With Love, Light, and Blessings ❤

Your Idealistic HolisticNerd ~ ❤ Mind ❤ Body ❤ Spirit/Soul ❤ ~

Trauma
Self Improvement
Abuse
Grief
Emotions
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