FakeSpeare: FakeSpeare
Probably the only writer who could ever hope to compete with William Shakespeare in renown is his twin brother, separated at birth by dope smoking coyotes, Bill Fakespeare, otherwise known as IG Agent 42. Although they were fraternal twins they nonetheless looked so much alike you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart unless you wore your glasses, if you don’t wear glasses, damn, you are out of luck.
Anyway Bill Fakespeare, as well as being the creator of the Noir Nursery rhyme, and podcasts for bees (it helps in milk production) is a pretty nifty guy for turning a phrase inside and out.
Many of the rop most popular sayings attributed to Will were actually by Bill, sayings such as
“I got a rubber, you got glue, I practice safe sex and your penis hurts too” which he used to say to his more famous and older brother (by two minutes) in order to make him cry, as well as the eternal “hey, the internet can do my work for me”
In light of that second quote I would like to refer to this list of some of Fakespeare’s other more famous sayings
https://shakespeareandbeyond.folger.edu/2017/02/21/shakepeare-quotes-commonly-misattributed/
Which as it happens I have some insights and observations about
“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
The funny thing about this quote is that is actually the only line that Bill F. wrote for the Bonnie Tyler song “It’s a Heartache” , he was sad when he got the news it had been cut, but the blow was softened by receiving a kiss on the cheek from Tyler and a “sorry luv” in a sultry voice. William Shakespeare was never kissed by Tyler, who is Welsh, and knows how to kiss.
After this kiss Bill uttered his second most famous quote:
“When I saw you, I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.”
Sheer poetry, people. Ms. Tyler then laughed at his face after which he retired to the nearest pub and spent the night saying “Love me or hate me, both are in my favor…If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart…If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.” Into a pitcher of beer and seeing if he could hear the echo.
The two other quotes in the link of famous Fakespeare quotes weren’t by him, so that sucks.
Anyway, in consideration of the fact that no man is Iceland, Fakespeare has decided to come out from under hinkling and stop hiding his light beneath a hat brim. In acknowledgement of his fame we will begin in periodical fashion to release some various samples of his works — with the Prepended Fakespeare in the title.
In honor of that and in no particular order I will close out with a list of famous things Bill Fakespeare has said that you ought to take up saying to people in your life and then hashtag them illuminatiGanga
Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we have a doctor’s appointment, and are only allowed a single cup of coffee.
What?! (Bill F. was first human who figured out how to put exclamation point after question mark when asking question)
All that glisters is not sperm. But that spot on your trousers Madruggio, of a surety encaps your progeny.
WHY?!
I am not going to pay a lot for those muffins, they were just on the floor and you walked on them with your outside shoes. Wait, is that dogcrap?!?
I tripped the light fan, Django.
Love means never having to say Hubba, hubba, hubba.
This entry was written by the hand of IG Agent 42, that hand being manipulated most of the time by Agents 18 and 36 because he was too drunk to move it of his own volition.
It should be noted that we know he took part however, because one signature indication of a writing having been by William Fakespeare is the use of an unknown onomatopoeia that has never been used before.
Drink is a provoker of three things — the tendency to enumerate spurious values and vomit in a man’s boots.