What I am afraid of?

What happened when I stared fear in the face in Montana. I didn’t blink.

I have always had a fear of snakes, and I am not even sure why. But in places like in the wilderness of Montana, a rattlesnake is something you should fear. Medical help is hours away, and that is even if you can get a phone signal — and you probably can’t get a phone signal. A rattlesnake bite in this scenario would likely be fatal.

Buy my fear has never been the sensible rational kind. It was a fear of the unknown. It was a fear of what might happen. Many times I have not gone somewhere, or not taken a chance, because of what might happen.

But this day would be different. I was exploring Montana and it was one of the hottest days on record. Pictograph Cave State Park near Billings, Montana. has paintings that are thousands of years old. There are three main caves along a path, about half a mile from the welcome center.

The main path was wide and safe even for a person afraid of snakes. The first two caves had big openings and were fairly easy to get to. The third one was a bit steep and had bushes with leaves blocking your view of the ground.

A great place for a snake to hide, and a great place to not see the snake until you had already stepped on it and been bitten.

To the rational mind that should mean not being foolish and taking the necessary precautions. To the fearful with a snake phobia, it means getting the heck out of there fast.

I had already been through two of the caves and had nice pictures of the Petroglyphs made thousands of years ago. The third cave would be more of the same. It was hot and I was out of water. The third cave was not even rated highly in the travel guide, with the second one being best.

So there is a whole bunch of real sound excuses to not go to that final cave. No one would blame me if I just passed it by. I would not get any better pictures than what I already had. I looked up at the cave, then looked back down the main path.

I shrugged and started to head on down the path, but I realized I was feeling fear. Yes, I had some good excuses not to go. But dammit. The real reason I was passing it up was fear. I was afraid of what “might” happen.

One of the few lines of Shakespear that I know crept into my mind as I stood there debating with my fear.

“A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once.”

What I know about snakes is they do not “want” to bite people. They would just as soon let you walk by and go on about their business. They will retreat when they see humans coming if they can, and that is the key. They will only bite you if they feel threatened, or if you are standing on them.

Yes I know that is the truth, but … fear was still there. It was pretty hot, maybe 100 degrees. Any snake with any sense is in the shade somewhere sleeping.

It was time to take on the fear and get to that third cave. My heart pounded and there was even more sweat. But having confronted the fear and brought it out into the open at least in my own mind, made this a no turning back moment. Yes, I was afraid, but I knew I would hate myself more if I gave into fear now.

I wanted to make sure any snake in the area knew I was there and hoped conventional wisdom was right. I threw rocks into the bushes, kicked rocks against each other, making whatever noise I could. I found a stick and beat on the bushes to add to the noise. Then just to calm my nerves a little bit I started singing. There was no one around, so I sang loud. I made as much noise as I could with my feet as I walked the little side trail.

In less than a minute I stood at the opening of the cave. The Petroglyphs were not all that impressive. Probably the least impressive of the three, but it’s the one I remember. I stared fear in the face and did not blink.

I realized I was breathing hard and felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I felt like an internal victory was won. I walked back down the path not even thinking about what might happen.

When I got back to the welcome center my wife asked me why I was smiling. I shrugged and said the caves were cool.

I am still afraid of snakes. I still take precautions, but I don't feel the dread of going places they might be anymore. My overall confidence level increased a bit as well.

The answer to fear is to just do it anyway. It is not always simple, but fear is an enemy. What has fear kept you from doing?