FUCK THAT SHIT

I Don’t Want to Be Another Angry Comedian

I’m being ironic btw — so bite my ass

I’m tired of seeing comedians stand there with a barstool and a glass of water. I’m tired of hearing about women not being as funny as men. And I’m sick of angry comedians complaining about shit and thinking that their whining is funny to other people. It’s fuckin not, man. So I’m going to stop the fuck right now!

And I’m going to talk about things I love instead.

I really love being single! It’s so much fun?! I get to sit there and watch everyone else be in loving and happy relationships, having someone to rub their feet while I have two dogs and three cats to keep me cozy.

That’s right. I’m a crazy cat lady who prefers animals to people because people are too fucking complicated and at least animals don’t play mind games. They just clearly state their needs: food, water, and using my sweater as a pacifier. Uh oh, I’m complaining again.

Actually, I don’t know why I prefer animals to people except maybe it’s that animals are cheaper to take care of and if I’m doomed to keep getting snagged by needy, co-dependent people who want me to take care of them, I guess I’d rather be co-dependent with an animal who at least has the decency to poop outside or in a litter box and who doesn’t demand sex when I don’t feel like it. Or ever, thank God. That would be weird. I don’t know why I just said that other than to prove that I can imagine things. Anything, in fact, because I’m an artist and you, gentle reader, don’t have to believe everything I write. It’s called artistic license. Read a book.

So when I’m not loving animals in ways that are totally legit if not a bit odd — I like to kiss my cats a lot on the forehead — I teach at a college. What do I teach? I always get that question. So, this is the moment when I take a deep breath, expand my lungs, and proclaim in my best declamatory, trembling voice: SPEECH AND DRAMA!!!! Well, I can’t just mumble speech and drama, can I? I’d lose all credibility that I barely had in the first place because I’m a woman and I’m from Canada and I’m used to apologizing for existing. Uh oh — I’m sounding negative again.

And, to make my crazy cat lady status cemented in paw prints even more, I have a lower voice. There is a reason for this and it’s not that I have balls. It’s that I’m a single mother and a teacher — both of which require you to ‘take charge’ and ‘be in control’ and sorry, but you can’t do that with a soft, breathy, high pitched Marilyn Monroe voice. Now that I’ve done it for so many years, I can’t NOT speak in a deep pitch of voice. But at least I get better customer service over the phone and at the Taco Bell drive thru.

I definitely have a love/hate relationship with hate. It’s a strong emotion. As an artist, I don’t want to rely on it too much. There are other emotions I want to feel in this life, but if you extract just enough oil from the tarry pit of anger and use it to fuel your art in a way that helps others wake up and not take things for granted, then I guess anger is ok.

That’s why veiled anger, aka ‘sarcasm,’ is mucho better. Sarcasm, for me, happens when I’ve been angry for so long about the same stupid stuff that eventually it simmers down to a slow boil of creative ragey witticisms. Maybe I poke fun at ragey comedians because deep down I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough onstage, on a page, or anywhere with my writing. Maybe I just need to get over being ashamed of being mad at things and just be mad and see where it takes me.

The best advice I got lately was from a TikTok video yesterday, where the guy kept repeating this mantra for all lovers, teachers, friends, coaches, mentors, mechanics, writers, swimmers, anyone-ers. He said, “You’re a bad motherfucker. Repeat after me: ‘I’m a bad motherfucker and I don’t give a fuck about whatever shit comes my way today.’” I like that kind of rage. I don’t care what shit anyone tries to pull today. I am flinging it the fuck off! Yeah, that’s the kind of rage I need to keep simmering inside.