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1966

Abstract

rtain I had told one of them something, only for them to insist I had not.It was as if my brain had processed the fact that I had told a certain fact to the person I love, but hadn’t accommodated for the fact I loved two separate people.More often than not, this was something easily cleared up. Something we could all laugh at. Especially when it was still a novelty.But as fun as it can be to lightly mock your partner for doing something like this, there is a deeper issue here we need to be aware of.It boils down to respect.How would you feel if your partner didn’t keep you informed about what was going on in your life?And how would you feel if you discovered that while you were out of the loop, other people in their life knew everything?Not great, I imagine.In non-monogamous relationships, we are exploring a different type of relationship model. But no matter how casual your relationship might be, it’s important not to forget everyone involved is a person.And every person deserves respect.It’s easy to tell yourself that with more people in a relationship it’s more understandable to make mistakes.And while this is true, that doesn’t make it okay. It just means you need to put in more effort to prevent those mistakes from happening.If, for example, you call one partner the name of a different partner, it’s a lot more understandable when you are in love with both of them. It’s just a slip of the tongue. But that doesn’t make it okay, and it doesn’t mean the person you are with can’t be upset about it.We all have insecurities. And opening yourself up to polyamory is inviting a whole barrel load of new insecurity to the party.And a common insecurity in polyamory is the worry you are less important. One of

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the appeals of monogamy is the idea of being someone’s “One And Only”. We are all they need or want. That is a hell of an ego boost.But in polyamory, that idea is stripped away. We have to accept that we aren’t enough for the person we love, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean we’ve failed, or are any less important to them. Just that we are people who are capable of loving more that one person.But with that loss of security, it’s vital to know that our partners think of us as separate individuals.Despite misconceptions many people have regarding polyamory, one of its main tenants is that everyone involved is treated with respect.Each of us is a separate human being. We’re not here to make up part of a faceless harem of people hanging on a partner’s every whim. Each partner is an individual and needs to be treated with the same consideration, no matter how much additional work that means we need to put in.As I said earlier, making mistakes is understandable. I don’t think there are going to be many polyamorous relationships out there where this hasn’t happened. And in most cases, all that’s required is some light mockery at the mistake, and a promise to try and do better in the future.But we can’t forget that it reflects a deeper issue.You should never leave your partners feeling they are unimportant.There’s an old adage: the junk in your home will always increase in volume to fit the available space. And while I wouldn’t want to equate love and the junk in your attic, there is a similarity. When you have more than one partner, you are not spreading your attention and affection across more people. You are increasing that attention and affection to fit the additional people.It’s more work, yes. But the rewards are multiplied when you put in the effort.</article></body>

RELATIONSHIPS / COMMUNICATION

Extra Partners Mean Extra Work, Because Polyamory Means Respect

Love is like garbage: It will always increase in volume to fit the available space. Or, at least, it always should.

A friend of mine forwarded me the above post, along with the comment that I should write an article about this “issue” in polyamorous relationships.

Now, I’m known amongst my friends as someone who very much enjoys a terrible joke. So I thought there was definitely an interesting piece to be made out of this idea.

But as I sat down and actually thought this all through, I realised that what started as a lighthearted joke in truth represents a significant danger in polyamory.

Like many things I learnt in hindsight, this wasn’t something that was on my radar back when I began my journey into polyamory.

Back then, I had been with my partner for a little over five years. While our relationship was as strong as ever, we had long moved past the point where we were getting to know each other.

But when I met my new girlfriend, I was once again getting to experience all the excitement of sharing myself with someone new. Our histories and personalities, and, yes, our bad jokes, were fresh and exciting.

But as that relationship grew, and we were no longer at the point where everything was new, I began to experience this side of polyamory: remembering who I had told what.

There is a deeper issue here we need to be aware of

When you are in more than one serious relationship it can be all too easy to forget what you have told which partner. There were many times when I was certain I had told one of them something, only for them to insist I had not.

It was as if my brain had processed the fact that I had told a certain fact to the person I love, but hadn’t accommodated for the fact I loved two separate people.

More often than not, this was something easily cleared up. Something we could all laugh at. Especially when it was still a novelty.

But as fun as it can be to lightly mock your partner for doing something like this, there is a deeper issue here we need to be aware of.

It boils down to respect.

How would you feel if your partner didn’t keep you informed about what was going on in your life?

And how would you feel if you discovered that while you were out of the loop, other people in their life knew everything?

Not great, I imagine.

In non-monogamous relationships, we are exploring a different type of relationship model. But no matter how casual your relationship might be, it’s important not to forget everyone involved is a person.

And every person deserves respect.

It’s easy to tell yourself that with more people in a relationship it’s more understandable to make mistakes.

And while this is true, that doesn’t make it okay. It just means you need to put in more effort to prevent those mistakes from happening.

If, for example, you call one partner the name of a different partner, it’s a lot more understandable when you are in love with both of them. It’s just a slip of the tongue. But that doesn’t make it okay, and it doesn’t mean the person you are with can’t be upset about it.

We all have insecurities. And opening yourself up to polyamory is inviting a whole barrel load of new insecurity to the party.

And a common insecurity in polyamory is the worry you are less important. One of the appeals of monogamy is the idea of being someone’s “One And Only”. We are all they need or want. That is a hell of an ego boost.

But in polyamory, that idea is stripped away. We have to accept that we aren’t enough for the person we love, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean we’ve failed, or are any less important to them. Just that we are people who are capable of loving more that one person.

But with that loss of security, it’s vital to know that our partners think of us as separate individuals.

Despite misconceptions many people have regarding polyamory, one of its main tenants is that everyone involved is treated with respect.

Each of us is a separate human being. We’re not here to make up part of a faceless harem of people hanging on a partner’s every whim. Each partner is an individual and needs to be treated with the same consideration, no matter how much additional work that means we need to put in.

As I said earlier, making mistakes is understandable. I don’t think there are going to be many polyamorous relationships out there where this hasn’t happened. And in most cases, all that’s required is some light mockery at the mistake, and a promise to try and do better in the future.

But we can’t forget that it reflects a deeper issue.

You should never leave your partners feeling they are unimportant.

There’s an old adage: the junk in your home will always increase in volume to fit the available space. And while I wouldn’t want to equate love and the junk in your attic, there is a similarity. When you have more than one partner, you are not spreading your attention and affection across more people. You are increasing that attention and affection to fit the additional people.

It’s more work, yes. But the rewards are multiplied when you put in the effort.