Erma Bombeck Contest Entry

Exiting the Road Less Traveled

A Short Memoir

I grew up in rural America, learning important life directions. I knew how to get to places when they said, “turn left where the old stone dairy building used to stand.” And when the county ran out of money to finish a road, for the next 15 years, I knew where the “Road to Nowhere” actually went. It was a fabulous shortcut, if you didn’t want to go to its end. Doesn’t navigating without a map or actual physical landmarks qualify you for life? As a single mother, with toddler in tow, I moved to New York.

I had big dreams! I was going to college! I got a scholarship! I didn’t have much money, and oops — didn’t realize that New York wasn’t budget friendly. I dropped out of school and got a job.

Thank goodness advice from New Yorkers was plentiful. One young mother told me, “Honey, the French have a saying — one baby — one tooth.” It must have been her polite way of telling me that New York dentists are more expensive than child care.

I settled into the job of raising my first son. I forgot about school, and thought I could always come back to that. Time and age gave me all the typical symptoms of motherhood. I could forget where I left my keys and my shopping lists with the best of them.

My now teenage son went away to boarding school through a generous scholarship. I thought I was about to revisit that education degree, and along came this man who danced me off my feet. I said, “No children! I want to keep my teeth!” He agreed. We married.

Whenever you declare you aren’t having a child — that’s when you get pregnant. My dentist rejoiced!

Today, I have two sons, 20 years apart. The French might have a saying about teeth, but I have a saying about brains.

“For every son you have, you will lose half your brain capacity.”

I know this to be true. After 40 years of mothering, I couldn’t for the life of me remember what I set out to do when I first moved to New York. Where was my exit ramp? Did the road have an ending? Did the root canals have something to do with my lost road map?

My youngest son said, “Mom, you’re depressed.” I spent a year reading books, attending webinars, looking for coaches. I stumbled into some neuroscience courses. I started writing articles about my childhood.

That’s when it hit me! I was going to attend school to be a writer!

Thank God they invented neuroplasticity in time for me to reclaim my brain function.

I can’t handle another root canal!

This was a never before published piece I found in my archives.

At the end of 2020, I founded a social network. Like Facebook, but for femmes. Without all the noise. Come join us in the Garden.

Susan B. is a serial entrepreneur, writer, editor, poet and ship captain. Come find her in the Garden.