Self Care Not

Exhaustion Addiction

This new burnout craze will knock you out

I’ve got this great new addiction. Exhaustion. It knocks me out. It is not for the meek. When the meek do try it, they don’t last very long. It only takes them five minutes until they fall over. What’s the point? They’re not really getting the full experience.

I’m a middle-of-the-roader. I’m not meek. I’m not indefatigable. It takes me about four hours to get exhausted. I know a woman who does ultra marathons. I’ve never even seen her sleepy. Exhaustion doesn’t work on her. She has to run into an actual bus to calm down.

You have to totally commit to exhaustion. No resting. No sitting on the couch. No restorative yoga. Just power on. Go to work. Feed everyone in your house. Clean up after them. Exercise. Walk the dog. Call people you have no interest in talking to. Listen to rants from perpetually unsatisfied Karens. Answer calls from soliciters. Talk to those people. Start conversations with lonely neighbors. Shovel. Watch the news. Yell at the television. Go through papers that you’ve stored for decades. Repeat until you collapse.

It takes days to recover. The withdrawal is brutal. You wander around dizzy and telling everyone how tired you are. People are unsympathetic. They say very unkind things like “Why don't you just slow down?” or “What are you trying to prove?”

It’s an addiction people. Show some compassion.

I’ve done exhaustion two times in the past three weeks. You can’t nap. You can’t lie face down on the floor. It’s almost as satisfying as dehydration. Dehydration is maybe a little better. especially if you like cramped feet and dried lips.

The important thing to remember is not to rely on self-care. Self-care is temporary. I mean if it were permanent, I’d do it once and be done, but it’s endless. There are a thousand ways to take care of yourself. Who has time for that? Self-care is exhausting. Oh, wait. I change my mind. If self-care is exhausting, hook me up.

Special thanks to Jay Squires.