Exercising Power of Choice in Thought
Why accept our defaults?
Have you ever seen people laughing from across the room and felt certain they were laughing at you? Or had a boss call a meeting with you for later in the day and you just knew you were going to be let go? Truth doesn’t always play a role in our thoughts. Especially when we suffer the delusion that we possess the ability to collect other people’s thoughts with our minds. There is, however, hope in this realization. If we can accept the possibility of our being wrong, we open a window of opportunity for Truth to enter. That’s where our true power lies.
Most times I don’t think too much about my thoughts and where they stem from. They form, I chisel them in my mind as truth and act (out) on them. So, in the example of this band of hyenas across the room who are so obviously making fun of me, I may never speak to some or all of them again. Or maybe I will speak to them, but with the express motive of undermining any thought or expression they may offer.
In the case of my boss, I’m likely to spend the better part of my day pinned under a block of fear. Wondering how I can possibly make rent, or if my girlfriend will leave me now that I’m a bum, or if I’ll ever be able to find another company to take me.
Any of these results are possible and none of them stem from truth or from fact. They all stem from false assumptions. The first assumption is that I am at the very center of the Universe and anything in my orbit only exists to serve my many needs and wants. What I often fail to take into account is that this means within your mind the center of the Universe is you. When our two worlds collide you have instant conflict. Now we are at odds with each other. That is, of course, unless you’ve come to fulfill my needs which, let’s be real, is not very likely. This can happen without anyone uttering a single word. It’s just there without anyone needing to pay much attention to it.
“What’s wrong with this guy? Can’t he see how important this is?”
No, he can’t. He’s not privy to your thoughts.
“Doesn’t she realize how happy we would be together?”
No, she has her own thoughts about her happiness.
It’s amazing the world hasn’t imploded by now. The pressure we build through this type of conflict can be overwhelming. If only the rest of the world would cater to our needs everything would be, well, awful. Think about it for a minute. What if you got everything you ever wanted? What would your life really be like? When I consider these things the adjectives that come to mind are: boring, awful. Life without struggle wouldn’t be life at all. There would be no sense of achievement. Pride would disappear. There would hardly be any need to get out of bed since everything would be taken care of by those who serve you. However, this does not mean our thoughts couldn’t benefit from a bit of attention.
I don’t have to spend the day in fear or hate my friends and loved ones for having the audacity to laugh together outside my presence. I can choose to think differently than I do. I can remind myself they may not be laughing at me. Perhaps they are, but it’s not a certainty. It’s possible one of them is now the first to discover the only truly funny knock-knock joke. It’s not likely, but it is possible. Just recognizing and acknowledging this possibility sets me free. In the case of my boss, maybe I’m being recommended for a promotion. Again, not necessarily true, but possibly true. Just that chance is enough to save the day. Sometimes the truth is: I don’t know what the truth is and that’s alright so long as I don’t try to invent a truth.
There are ways to expose my assumptions for the phantoms they are. Oftentimes when I find myself in mental turmoil I’ll ask myself: what do I want? Knowing where my selfishness lies is the key to understanding my missteps. Seeing my motives clearly serves to illustrate why I react the way I do in any given circumstance. For example, if I have a romantic interest in a co-worker whom I’m talking with at the water cooler it’s a safe bet I’m trying to impress. A second co-worker comes along who wants to relate to us by telling a funny, yet embarrassing story about me. Everyone begins to laugh but I can promise you my laughter is not genuine. Secretly I’d be hating this interloper for interfering in what clearly started out as a conversation that could only end in happily ever after. These thoughts only exist for me. My co-workers have no idea because I so rarely share my true intentions with anyone. So what do I want? I want to win the affection of my co-worker.
This leads me to the second flaw in my thinking: self-deception. I lie to myself. What’s worse is I believe my lies. My mind rationalizes why I deserve to have whatever it is that I want. For instance, if I continuously submit work to a publisher only to receive a rejection each time, the chatter in my head sounds something like, “they’ll be sorry once I’m a bestselling author,” or “I can’t believe they hated that piece.” Thoughts like this are toxic. They do not create the type of energy that makes up a wonderful moment, a wonderful day, or a wonderful life. Once I begin down this negative path it can be very difficult to hit the brakes. Before you know it my day is ruined and it’s everybody else’s fault. Is this because of the rejection letter or is it because of me? My mind may mean well but it does not always have my best interests at heart. It only seems to focus on the one objective of getting me what I want. Of course, as mentioned earlier, I have a choice. I can choose to respect the decisions of others. What if when they politely stated that this piece was not right for them at the time, they meant it? Perhaps they don’t hate it. Maybe they meant what they said. Again, this just illustrates the truth that I don’t know what the truth is, despite how successfully I’ve convinced myself that I do.
So what’s left for me once I’ve bought my own lies? The only thing left is my fear. I’m afraid they won’t love me because I am unlovable. I’m afraid they are going to fire me because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid they won’t ever publish me because I am a terrible writer. None of these ideas do much for my self-esteem, I can assure you. They leave me wishing I were anyone but me. If I’m not careful, they could send me spiraling off in a new direction. I may end up settling for a romantic partner who never felt right for me. Or I could quit my job in order to beat them to the punch. Maybe I stop writing because nobody likes my work. Any of these decisions would be tragic because they are based on selfishness, fear, and self-deception.
Thankfully, with a little care directed toward my thoughts, I can dispel my own myths. Once I see the truth I can make the best decisions for myself. If I choose my thoughts wisely, if I’m careful not to let anything cross my mind I wouldn’t let cross my lips, then I have a shot at my dream life. That’s when all my dreams become possibilities. It’s not the things I want that make me happy or miserable. It’s my thoughts surrounding what I want. My thoughts can make or break me, but that is a choice that is always up to me.