Excessive demands on yourself and the world: what to do?

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Abstract

for example, the rules of traffic or fire safety, and here are the widespread standards of etiquette and morality. They are generally accepted by a wide range of people, so questioning them is a rather disastrous idea. Another thing is the code of the company, the organization in which, for example, you will work. The requirements for a certain level of education and work experience can be challenged, but this is unlikely to have a positive effect on employment, although options are possible here, for example, looking for another job. But the situation is completely different when we make demands on our loved ones and ourselves.

It is a fundamental mistake to assume that our individual rules and conditions, which we believe must be strictly observed, are generally accepted. This position gives rise to enormous dissatisfaction, because it is not easy to fulfill our demands as an individual person, because these demands are based on our unique experience. We are not inclined to challenge compliance with the speed limit on the road, since it is dictated by collective experience, and it is in the interests of our safety to believe it. But can a person significant to me unconditionally obey my demands if his experience goes against my subjective rules. Conflict (external or internal) is inevitable. But even if you managed to subjugate the will of the other person, he probably had a good reason to “submit” to your demands, for example, a desire to preserve the relationship, to avoid confrontation. And this can happen for quite a long time, but only as long as a person has enough internal resources to make a deal with himself.

But what if these resources no longer exist or the relevant experience has not yet been formed? For example, is it possible to require a three-year-old child to perform tasks that only a seven-year-old can do? In principle it is possible. But the probability of getting what you want tends to zero. Excessive demands are conditions and rules that cannot be met due to a lack of resources: experience, skills, abilities, physical data, mental predispositions, and, finally, the characteristics of our world. Even the above traffic r

Options

ules are not always enforceable for various reasons. Sometimes we have to cross the forbidden line in a car in order to save our lives. To yourself and to others. Does this mean that we abandon the rules once and for all? Does this mean that we ourselves cease to be “correct”? Hardly. It’s just that at a specific point in time we are forced NOT to comply with the requirements created taking into account the IDEAL picture of the world and the individual experience of individual drivers.

Things get even more complicated when we place difficult demands on ourselves. We are both performer and critic. When faced with reality, we feel that we cannot always control it, but we refuse to accept this or simply do not know how. Sometimes the rules that we have followed for many years stop working — there is a need to adopt new ones, but where to get them? Observation, feedback from the environment, work with a psychologist will come to the rescue — everything that will give at least some certainty about what to do.

In general, I would like to note that a requirement is a very conventional unit of communication, which, ideally, is based on information about safety: if the conditions are not met, the safety of specific individuals is at risk. And this is a huge field for reflection and change. Will I get hurt if there are toys scattered around the house? I will experience discomfort — yes, but my life and health are not formally in danger, which means I can loosen control and relieve excess tension.

And finally: accepting reality without making any demands on it is an incredibly complex process that is best done with competent support. But there are a number of verbal formulas that can stimulate this movement.

I cannot always follow my personal rules and principles. Life is too multifactorial.
My loved one is another person with his own set of rules and beliefs that are determined by his unique experience. His experience doesn’t have to match mine.
If I make excessive demands on myself and on the world, there is a high probability that I am trying to compensate for my dissatisfaction. But this can be changed.</p></article></body>

Excessive demands on yourself and the world: what to do?

Do you often experience pain from resentment and disappointment when others do not do what you would like? If your answer is yes, the root of the problem is probably the belief that my demands are binding and cannot be appealed.

I remember very well how, while on maternity leave, I encountered a difficulty, and it seemed to me that in trying to overcome it I was only getting deeper into a dead end. I’m talking about my natural desire to live in comfort and order, which suddenly came under threat. Under the threat of destruction by small hands, so famously exploring the world. To say that I was angry and irritated as I cleaned the house for the hundredth time that day would be an understatement. But I wanted to help myself, so I started looking for a possible solution. It seemed to be obvious — from all sides I only heard: “We need to reduce the requirements for cleaning and cleanliness”, “We need to look at the situation more simply”, “We need to accept reality as it is”… I saw all this. reasonable recommendations, but in reality I rebelled: “Well, what does it mean to lower the requirements? Why should I lower the “cleanliness bar” if it makes me feel uncomfortable? Maybe others can do it, but I can’t do it!” When my clients “throw” such statements at me during a consultation, I perfectly understand their desire to protest. The other day, this precedent arose again at work, and the topic of inflated demands became the key one at the session, and the main question was how to understand that my demands are really too high? In fact, there is no generally accepted scale of acceptable standards of exactingness. This is largely determined by the situation and other people as a variable. But it is still possible to solve this equation. And it’s better to start with the definition of the very concept of “requirement”. A requirement is a rule, a condition that must be fulfilled. For convenience and safety, people have come up with a huge number of universal rules, which, whatever one may say, are accepted by the majority. Take, for example, the rules of traffic or fire safety, and here are the widespread standards of etiquette and morality. They are generally accepted by a wide range of people, so questioning them is a rather disastrous idea. Another thing is the code of the company, the organization in which, for example, you will work. The requirements for a certain level of education and work experience can be challenged, but this is unlikely to have a positive effect on employment, although options are possible here, for example, looking for another job. But the situation is completely different when we make demands on our loved ones and ourselves. It is a fundamental mistake to assume that our individual rules and conditions, which we believe must be strictly observed, are generally accepted. This position gives rise to enormous dissatisfaction, because it is not easy to fulfill our demands as an individual person, because these demands are based on our unique experience. We are not inclined to challenge compliance with the speed limit on the road, since it is dictated by collective experience, and it is in the interests of our safety to believe it. But can a person significant to me unconditionally obey my demands if his experience goes against my subjective rules. Conflict (external or internal) is inevitable. But even if you managed to subjugate the will of the other person, he probably had a good reason to “submit” to your demands, for example, a desire to preserve the relationship, to avoid confrontation. And this can happen for quite a long time, but only as long as a person has enough internal resources to make a deal with himself. But what if these resources no longer exist or the relevant experience has not yet been formed? For example, is it possible to require a three-year-old child to perform tasks that only a seven-year-old can do? In principle it is possible. But the probability of getting what you want tends to zero. Excessive demands are conditions and rules that cannot be met due to a lack of resources: experience, skills, abilities, physical data, mental predispositions, and, finally, the characteristics of our world. Even the above traffic rules are not always enforceable for various reasons. Sometimes we have to cross the forbidden line in a car in order to save our lives. To yourself and to others. Does this mean that we abandon the rules once and for all? Does this mean that we ourselves cease to be “correct”? Hardly. It’s just that at a specific point in time we are forced NOT to comply with the requirements created taking into account the IDEAL picture of the world and the individual experience of individual drivers. Things get even more complicated when we place difficult demands on ourselves. We are both performer and critic. When faced with reality, we feel that we cannot always control it, but we refuse to accept this or simply do not know how. Sometimes the rules that we have followed for many years stop working — there is a need to adopt new ones, but where to get them? Observation, feedback from the environment, work with a psychologist will come to the rescue — everything that will give at least some certainty about what to do. In general, I would like to note that a requirement is a very conventional unit of communication, which, ideally, is based on information about safety: if the conditions are not met, the safety of specific individuals is at risk. And this is a huge field for reflection and change. Will I get hurt if there are toys scattered around the house? I will experience discomfort — yes, but my life and health are not formally in danger, which means I can loosen control and relieve excess tension. And finally: accepting reality without making any demands on it is an incredibly complex process that is best done with competent support. But there are a number of verbal formulas that can stimulate this movement. 1. I cannot always follow my personal rules and principles. Life is too multifactorial. 2. My loved one is another person with his own set of rules and beliefs that are determined by his unique experience. His experience doesn’t have to match mine. 3. If I make excessive demands on myself and on the world, there is a high probability that I am trying to compensate for my dissatisfaction. But this can be changed.