GOOD LUCK WITH THIS
Expert Advice For Some of Life’s Challenging Moments
When people dislike you just for being you: accept that you may be an asshole
People say to me, “Patrick, life is so hard and yet you sail through it like a cucumber on Xanax. How do you do it?” Well, thank you for asking. I am calm and cool because I have a ready solution for any conceivable scenario that may arise.
Below are a few that I hope will prove useful.
When you’ve been handling hot peppers
Wash your hands thoroughly before urinating.
When you meet people who say things like “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
Avoid them. They will always be at their worst.
When floating in frigid waters
Do not make a panic-stricken attempt to force your way on board a crowded lifeboat such that it tips over and hurls all the occupants to their watery doom. This is not the legacy you want to leave behind.
Equally, do not freeze to death while clinging to the boat's gunwales, as this will upset the children. Instead, sink swiftly and elegantly beneath the waves, with your last visible appendage a hearty thumbs-up thrust above the surface.
When society collapses
Have a bicycle. In the event of social collapse, gasoline will degrade after a few months and your internal combustion engine will be useless. As will your Tesla once Elon has fled to Mars.
When you haven’t watched the popular movie or series
You may be quietly proud of this but it is not an achievement in itself. There’s no reason to brag about it.
When you are in an elevator with strangers and become stuck between floors
Make casual conversation to alleviate nervousness. However, avoid certain topics like “Is anyone else having trouble breathing?” and “If you sit down your buttocks will absorb the impact when we hit the bottom of the shaft”.
When you start a podcast
That was a terrible idea.
When you are adrift in a foreign land, friendless, penniless, with no command of the language and your mobile device is broken
Find a crowded street corner and stand there, alternately staring at your shattered screen then up at the street signs and buildings in confusion until someone approaches with a quizzical expression. Point at your device and cry piteously until they offer money or a place to stay. If you are attractive this will probably happen quickly; if not it may take weeks or months.
When you are framed by a small-town Mississippi sheriff for a crime you didn’t commit
Take your story to social media to raise awareness of the terrible injustice which has been perpetrated. When public opinion inevitably turns against you, escape and unleash a murderous reign of terror on the town. This will win back the affection and admiration of the mob and secure you a Netflix series.
When people dislike you just for being you
Accept that you may be an asshole.
When you are on the verge of a well-earned demise caused by your dissolute lifestyle
Use your dying breaths to belt out Edith Piaf’s “Je ne regrette rien”. If you are surrounded on your deathbed by sanctimonious prats who don’t appreciate this gesture, your life has been insufficiently debauched.