Summary

The article discusses the challenges and importance of healthy communication about past relationships, particularly ex-partners, to foster trust and understanding in current relationships.

Abstract

The article "EX- Communication of Our Inner Beast" delves into the complexities of discussing ex-partners within a relationship. It acknowledges the natural human emotions such as jealousy, insecurity, and the need for closure that can arise when the topic of exes is brought up. The author emphasizes that while it's important to be open and honest about one's past for the sake of transparency and growth, it's equally crucial to establish boundaries and practice empathy to prevent the conversation from causing distress or comparisons. The article suggests that by setting clear boundaries, being patient, and reassuring current partners of their value and uniqueness, couples can navigate discussions about past relationships without triggering negative emotional responses.

Opinions

The author believes that discussing exes is an inevitable part of relationship communication, which, if handled poorly, can lead to conflict and emotional distress.
Comparing current partners to exes is seen as unhealthy and potentially damaging to the relationship.
The article posits that past traumas and unresolved feelings towards exes can hinder the progress of current relationships if not addressed properly.
Honesty and empathy are considered key components in discussing past relationships, allowing both partners to feel secure and understood.
Setting boundaries around the discussion of past sexual experiences is suggested to maintain comfort and respect within the relationship.
The author advocates for appreciating and complementing the current partner to reinforce commitment and avoid negative comparisons to exes.
Patience is highlighted as essential for partners dealing with past traumas or seeking closure from previous relationships.

EX- Communication of Our Inner Beast

Momma in Her Midlife Talks About Healthy Communication

We’ve all been there… our partner is suddenly reminded of an ex and says something that makes us run away screaming. Navigating a relationship is hard enough, without the reminders of past relationship traumas. Here’s the problem, we all have them. Baggage travels with us no matter where we go in life. So, how do we communicate with our partners about past issues without causing new ones? Let’s look at why talking about exes can be hard, and how to communicate in a healthy way that won’t send our partner into angry beast mode.

We all have an inner beast that rampages around our minds… and sometimes outside of our minds, when a partner brings up an ex. Whether the past relationship ended in a horrible mess, or the ex is still hanging around, or our partner has a string of “friendly” exes, we must communicate about them at some point. First let’s look at why the beast comes out.

Jealousy: The ugly green-eyed monster strikes again. Truth is jealousy is a natural human emotion. Jealousy usually stems from insecurity. So, when the name of an ex pops up, the green-eyed monster may make an appearance.

Comparisons: It’s hard not to compare ourselves to someone in our partner’s past. We want to judge and weigh out how we are better than the ex, or… gulp… how they may be better than us. They were in your life for a reason. We may compare the physical aspects of the ex, the state of both relationships, and the emotional intensity of both relationships.

Exclusion: Nothing is worse than being on the outside of an inside joke. You had a relationship with someone and shared things with them that we may not share. When the topic of an ex arises, it’s easy to feel like we missed out on an important part of our partner’s life.

No Closure: When a partner brings up an ex one too many times, we begin to wonder if there was any closure to the past relationship. We’re going to wonder if our partner still has unresolved feelings towards the other person. It makes it hard to live in the present and move forward when a partner’s stuck in the past.

Traumas: When a relationship was unhealthy or volatile, it’s hard to keep an open mind when discussing the offending ex. We may want to help you in a way that’s not helpful because of our strong emotional connection. Hearing hardships is one of the most difficult conversations to have with a partner. Traumas also tend to bring emotional baggage. Our past relationships taint our future relationships, but our new partner is not our ex.

All these issues come from being human. They are natural emotions for a difficult situation. Logically, we know out partners have a past. Unfortunately, the human heart isn’t always logical. There are plenty of reasons to bring up an ex. Some are healthier than others. Let’s look at why we talk about our past, so we can learn to communicate better.

Openness: It’s important to talk about past experiences. A healthy relationship starts with transparency and honesty.

Trust: Talking about the past is a way to build trust in a relationship.

Learning: We can learn a lot about ourselves when we talk about our past experiences.

Insecurities: Talking about our past allows us to work through insecurities created in the past.

Boundaries: We can’t set boundaries without knowing why we need them. Past relationships often provide insight to our limits.

These are all healthy reasons to talk about past relationships. Knowing about the past can make a current or future relationship stronger. However, if you find yourself bringing up an ex repeatedly you may want to figure out why.

Reliving the past can be unhealthy if:

You’re obsessed with a past relationship, you may not be invested in your current one. You may want to re-evaluate what you want.
You find yourself comparing your current partner with your ex. Everyone has a moment when we compare people. Constantly comparing you ex and partner will only lead to a feeling of competition and tension.
You relive the trauma of a past relationship and drag the emotional baggage into your current relationship. Every relationship is different. If you struggle to see the differences, maybe you need help getting over past trauma.

We now know the reasons people get annoyed when we bring up an ex, and the healthy and unhealthy reasons we bring up past relationships. The only thing left is to explore how to communicate in a safe beneficial way, that won’t bring out the inner beast. Like with most relationship communication there are a few ways to make it easier and more constructive.

Empathy: Both partners need to empathize with the other. If our partner is struggling with an ex, be there to listen and understand that it’s something they need to work through in a safe environment. On the other hand, when you need to talk about an ex, remember that your partner may find it uncomfortable.

Honesty: Both partners need to be honest about their feelings and desires. Let your partner know that talking about an ex isn’t comfortable, but you’re willing to listen and help if you can. Let your partner know that you’re committed to the current relationship, but there’s something you need to work through.

Boundaries: Discuss what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Set healthy boundaries when speaking about your ex, so that you both feel secure. For example: Some partners may not want to hear the juicy details of your sexual past with your ex. Some partners may not be comfortable talking about their sexual past with an ex. Communicate clearly what your boundaries are for each other.

Appreciate: Appreciate and complement your current partner. Don’t compare the two. Make sure your current partner knows how much they mean to you. Reassure them that you are committed to them, not comparing them to your ex.

Patience: It takes time and effort to process traumas and find closure. Realize that your partner may need time to deal with past issues. When talking about your ex, be mindful that your partner may not be comfortable.

The main take away from this post is to find healthy ways to communicate, so that both partners feel safe and secure. We all have an inner beast that likes to lurk when an exes name comes up. With a little patience and understanding we can keep them from erupting out.

Do you have any stories involving communicating about an ex? Let me know in the comments!