Life Lessons

Everything is a Little Bit Shit-Tee-Er

Does anyone else agree?

I invented an entire personality to deal with this crap, her name is Alice. She lives in Wonderland smoking and drinking to excess.

Appalling Customer Service

In the last two years, because of the coronavirus pandemic, everything has gotten just a little shittier. The issue is twofold. One, people with minimal training are being asked to do much more than they ever signed up for on their jobs. Two, highly trained people have been worn out by the constant demands this pandemic has put on them. Exhausted people may not deliver the excellent service they used to provide. Yelling at these people makes no difference in the service you receive.

Poor service is the carton of 12 broken eggs delivered by a grocery service to pizzas different from the one we ordered showing up. When we tried to tell the delivery man, we only ordered one pizza and refuse them, he left them at our door, anyway.

We got five custom pizzas, and somewhere a hungry crowd of people got our one lonely meat lover's pizza. I, my husband, and the cats had pizza for days. Delicious.

I developed an alternate personality to deal with abysmal customer service as my response to this craziness. Alice — the facade personality — is nice and bright no matter how incompetent the situation. No matter what the real me is thinking and doing, the fake me is politely working toward resolving the issue. Alice lives in Wonderland and smokes and drinks a lot. She is a pushover who parties all the time.

How do I use my customer service alternate personally? Glad you asked. Let me give you an example.

An Easily Resolved Issue

I’m calling to talk to my time-share vacation planning representative. Yes, I’m old. I own a time-share and have used it for over thirty years. I’m calling because I paid my maintenance fees in April of last year, but the system doesn’t seem to know that.

The reservation system will not allow me to book dates at any vacation location. I’ve got the canceled check number and their system receipt number. I am expecting an easy phone call. It is 2 P.M. on Tuesday, so this should be a slow time.

Once I am on the phone, an automated voice tells me I am number thirty-two. Yes, thirty-two. Their system is playing the most annoying circus music in the world. When I try to mute the phone so they can not hear me curse, the phone hangs up. When I call back, I am caller number thirty-six.

I listen to the awful music on speaker for 45 minutes. When I finally get a person on the phone, Susan is a fake American. English is not Susan’s first language. I detect she is not based in the United States. Call centers are based around the world, and many companies use them. Disney is one of the few who only use call centers based in the United States. I am not making a Disney call.

Once I calmly and carefully explained to Susan three times what the issue was, she informed me she could not help me, but she would put me at the front of the line of someone who could address my problem.

Twenty-two Call Queue

The new queue is only twenty-two calls long. Frightful classic rock music is playing. I have papers under my desk that I intended to shred in the shredder. I put the box on my desk. I begin to shred the paper as I listen to the music. The paper feels great in my hands as I melodically tear piece after piece into small bits.

One of my cats is sitting at the desk. He bats the paper each time I pull a new piece out of the box. The other cat climbs into the box to make the task even more fun. By the time my turn comes, I have completed shredding. The torn pieces are small.

This time my non-native English speaker is Tod. Tod can see that I paid the account, but he cannot fix the error nor book my reservation. He notes that the history is up to date. He says the reservation agents will use that notation to book my vacation. I need to make my booking after talking to him. I have kept my cool. My voice is neutral and modulated to reflect a composed person. Alice is in play hiding me.

In reality, I am pacing back and forth faster and faster as I talk to him. None of that pacing is evident in my voice or demeanor. When Tod says he can transfer me to the correct department, or I can leave my number, and the technology department will call me back when my turn comes. I kick over the garbage can as Alice serenely informs him that I will wait. It would be so great if he transfers me.

In the new phone queue, we listen to dreadful opera music. I am number seven. As I wait, I take the small pieces of torn paper and throw them in the air for fun. The paper falls on me like rain. I spin in the chair. Wheeee. My cats sprint away from me. I have been on the phone for 2.5 hours. This time I get a person who can do all the things I need with the same two pieces of information I had when I started the damn phone call.

It is All My Fault

I’m using my new personality to not scream into the phone. The reservation person is perturbed. She accuses me of not explaining the problem carefully enough to Susan and Tod because she must read their notes to help me. She rants loudly about how their messages don’t match what I provide.

My unruffled voice says I did the best I could with whom they provided me to work with. I mute the phone to yell while I curse her ass out. When she is done talking, I unmute to ask if we can book the reservation. She then asks me if I have the two pieces of information that I told her I had when our conversation started.

I take a chair and throw it through my patio door. The glass satisfactory smashes all over the pool area as my fake personality provides the electronic check number and system receipt number. We book the reservation. As we go to hang up, the woman says to me. “I’m glad we could resolve your issue. Is there anything else that I could do for you?”

Don’t Say It

I don’t say it. I do not say it. Instead, Alice says, “No, thank you. Have a good day.” She answers with, “Would you like to take a quick survey about the company?”

“Why, yes. Yes, I would. I found your customer service unbelievable,” I say. Please let me take a survey.

I can hear her beaming on the phone, having no idea what I would say on the survey. Success! Give me that bitch survey so Toni can fill it out. Yessssssssssss.

Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.

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