Summary

The text is a raw and emotional outpouring of internal struggles, confessions, and the pain of unspoken words.

Abstract

The article titled "Everything I am not supposed to say Out Loud" delves into the depths of the author's inner turmoil, where words and thoughts that are too painful or socially inappropriate to express aloud are trapped. These words, heavy with meaning, cause internal chaos, affecting the author's self-perception, relationships, and emotional well-being. The author grapples with self-hatred, forgiveness, love, and hate, revealing a complex tapestry of human emotion and the cost of silence. The narrative arc suggests a cycle of suppression, emotional explosion, and a subsequent attempt to piece together the remnants of their psyche, hinting at a journey towards self-acceptance and healing.

Opinions

The author expresses deep self-loathing and regret over past actions, indicating a struggle with self-forgiveness.
There is a conflict between the desire for honesty and the societal pressure to keep certain thoughts and feelings hidden.
The text conveys a sense of betrayal and hurt in relationships, suggesting a history of complex interpersonal dynamics.
The author questions their understanding of love, implying a disconnection between the ideal of love and their personal experiences.
There is an acknowledgment of self-destructive behaviors, such as trading sex for validation and suppressing true identity for acceptance.
The author feels weighed down by their actions, distinguishing between their core self and the negative behaviors they've engaged in.
The relentless internal dialogue leads to an emotional breaking point, followed by a cathartic release through the expression of previously hidden words.
The process of recovery and reorganization of thoughts is recognized as painful yet necessary for moving forward.

Everything I am not supposed to say Out Loud

The words scatter.

The words bounce around in my head. Unspoken. Unrealized.

The meaning of the words scream. Tearing at my insides. Squeezing my fragile heart. Shredding my sanity. My soul is burning.

Everything I am not supposed to speak aloud..

I hate myself.

I forgive myself.

I loved him. I hated you.

I’m sorry. For having the time of my life.

You want too much. I feel too much.

Hurry up. Get over it.

I Hurt. Too.

Just a few of them.

Heavy thoughts dragging me down. Honesty sometimes drowns instead of freeing.

The truth hurts. And sounds. And tears.

My pain is unbearable..

Every thought I can’t tell you.

Love.

Do I know what love is?

I traded sex for likes. I traded my identity for subjection. My body for their pleasure. A relief to my loneliness.

Hate

I hate what I did to you. The betrayal, the sounds, the trauma, the lies, the secrets, the rejection.

I hate myself for being the liar, cheater, betrayer, abuser, wayward, unfaithful. The fuck up, screw up, mistake.

Evil, awful. Actions. Not me. The actions.

I’m not supposed to say hate, loathe, and deserve to punish myself.

The thoughts are relentless. Pounding from every direction. Until I explode.

The scraps of my sanity flying through the air.

The words scatter.

I scream

And scream

And scream all the words I hid.

Until I am empty. Nothing. No one.

Done.

I pick up the pieces. Of the words.

Restore the pain to order so it hurts all over again.

Every word no one wants to hear.