Everyone Felt Wrong Before You

I’m Scratching the Surface of Happiness

I felt it the first time we sat on my parents back porch. The sun had since set. The air was warm and breezy. The citronella candles glowed under the moonlight. We sat in silence.

“We should get married.”

“No.”

I couldn’t explain it. I was 21 and pregnant. I loved him as far as what I believed love to be. He was clearly my Prince Charming- the love of my life. He stayed and he paid attention to me. No boy had ever done that. He wanted me. What more was there?

Eventually, I said yes. Two years, and two toddlers later, we were married in city hall, so romantic. My mother yelled at me on the phone immediately after the ceremony to come pick up the boys. Its the life I always dreamt of.

Everything about my life was so wrong.

But here I was. I choose this, so like a champ I fought my damndest for that crumbling storyline.

When our marriage ended, I was beyond relieved. I felt like a prisoner in a story it trapped me in. I always would say, I feel trapped. I felt suffocated like there is no escape.

How did my childhood dreams of marrying my prince in a beautiful wedding; buying the perfect home- having the perfect family-land me here in this nightmare with a narcissistic sociopath for a partner. No beautiful home, only tiny affordable rentals. Struggling in every way imaginable. This isn't my dream come true. Where the f&^% is my happily ever after.

He couldn’t be my destiny.

My love wouldn’t make me feel like there was no air, and I was struggling to hold on.

Love is warm and bright. This was dank and murky.

This isn’t right. This all wrong. I dreamt of you. I’ve always felt you and this isn’t you. I know it’s not. I thought it was. I’m sorry my love, I was so wrong.

Each guy I dated post-divorce, there was always something. Addicts, cheaters, unambitious, bitter, angry, wounded-I couldn’t explain it, but I knew they weren’t you.

I looked for you to appear when I needed you. When I cried rivers of tears because the day was impossible, you appeared. Standing there you swiped every tear that came. You leaned in and pressed warm soft lips on my cheeks. And I knew, everything would be okay no matter what.

When the planets are retrograding, the full moon is beckoning to release old patterns, and eclipse season forces us to confront our past; I crash on my bed completed depleted. Overwhelmed by everyone falling apart around me. Exhausting because deep shadows from my past arise for healing.

I feel so all alone and utterly overwhelmed.

“What’s wrong?” You message me as if you can feel my despair.

“the energies, the past.” I reply.

You send me something funny that makes me smile. Then I hear my front door opening.

“I’m here sunflower.”

That’s all you say. I can’t talk or explain. I’m exhausted processing all the darkness and energy as anchors of the light do.

You sit next to me. The warmth of your body heat, the calm of your soul, the peace of your aurora- holding space for me.

Letting me know you are here. You are with me. This is a priority and I’m important. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Someone strong enough to hold space by my side as I carry on my light mission.

You kiss my cheek with your beard. You reach and tie my hair up. Just the way I like to wear it while I sleep. You envelope me in your strong embrace. Wrap us in blankets and I sleep, finally sleep, through the night. Such love and tenderness. Feeling the peace you offer so freely.

That’s how I knew everyone before you wasn’t right. They weren’t you. They didn’t have your gentleness. They didn’t have your strength nor your stamina. They didn't have your integrity, loyalty, and nurturing ways. Everything they were, was nothing like who you are.

I knew you were him the day you came into my life because you knew, I needed someone. I am strong. I’ve been on my own for many years. I don’t ask for help. I know what I need to do and it gets done with gratitude. You felt my despair. You came for me. To walk this journey with me.

After all my heartaches, because they weren’t you- I told myself, I didn’t need anyone. I made myself believe I could be without you on my own. Love is too risky and complicated.

It’s too difficult and draining. I made myself believe you didn’t exist. I made myself believe you would never come. Lie after lie, I swallowed each one to protect my heart. I no longer had the strength to be disappointed more time. The disappointment soul crushing.

Realizing none were you and I wasted time once again; making someone fit what I wanted them to be; what I needed them to be.

I'm so over it. I built a life-a Happy one. It’s not perfect, but as far as building a life from scratch on my own, it’s a damn good life.

I’ll admit as happy as it is- I’m scratching the surface of happiness. Not riding the wave-more like skimming the top.

Whatever- this is closest I’ve gotten to happiness. I’m free and it’s on my terms. I created this life. I swear, I’ll make it epic, even by myself.

See, I told myself this was enough. It’s truthfully not. True happiness eludes me. Truth is, I’m out of hoping. There’s been too many let downs. I don’t have any more to give hope.

Yet and still, I feel you. I feel you near me. I’ve felt you close, but I don’t have it in me to hope for your arrival, yet I don’t have it in me to pretend you don’t exist either.

With no resistance- I intend to cease. Cease fire and wave my white flag. Today, I’ll allow you to come closer. Hoping one day, you may get close enough, to catch me on a good day.

I long for the day I am not the only one that listens to the dreams in my heart.