HUMOR

We Warned You About Billionaires Like Elon Musk

Everyone’s secretly jealous of him

I never understood the societal distrust of billionaires until yesterday evening.

Elon Musk and I went out for dinner to celebrate an increase in Tesla’s stock price. We were both overjoyed because we had an extra million dollars in our bank accounts. Yay.

But while eating a $350 steak, Elon told me that everyone is secretly jealous. “People dislike billionaires because they want to have more money,” he said. “So, they criticize rich people like us to feel better about their own financial situation.”

Now, everything makes sense.

Rich People Like Myself And Elon Know Exactly What We’re Doing

Some people call me an uncharitable asshole for having a lot of money and not giving it to the poor. But here’s a fun fact: anyone who says that is a lying conspiracy theorist. Last year, I gave over $500,000 to various charities because each donation is tax-deductible. I’m very generous.

Anyway, Elon and I have been best friends for years. He’s even promised to fulfill my childhood dream of becoming an astronaut as I’ll be the first man to walk on Mars during a SpaceX mission.

Wealthy people like myself and Elon know exactly what we’re doing. Every day, we’re getting richer and richer. We’re finding tax deductions and increasing our net worth. And, of course, our bank balances are growing exponentially.

It’s Possible To Fix The Wealth Inequality Gap

Time and time again, I hear progressives advocating for higher taxes on the rich. But since my opinion is definitely unbiased, I’ll say raising taxes is a terrible idea that should never be implemented. If anything, we should lower taxes on rich people to 0%.

Why? If wealthy people paid fewer taxes, they could hire more minimum-wage workers. And obviously, that would give more people in society an opportunity to work hard and make millions of dollars.

The definition of wealth inequality is the unequal distribution of assets within a country. So, if rich people relocated their assets abroad, there would no longer be an unequal distribution of wealth in the United States — because all of it would all be stored in tax havens.

Many poor people like complaining about billionaires on Twitter. But secretly, they’re just jealous that wealthy people (like Elon Musk) have more money. And, of course, they probably wouldn’t have a job without being hired by a rich corporation owned by a billionaire. So, there’s that…

The reality is that millionaires and billionaires are great for society. We inspire people to work hard and make lots of money. So, if you want to be more appreciative of Elon and me, consider using the #ILoveBillionaires hashtag on Twitter.

Anyway, I’ll end this article quickly because I need to call Jeff Bezos about next week’s vacation to The Bahamas.

Have an awesome day.

Want to be notified whenever I publish a new article? Click here.

Important Disclaimer: This article is a joke, fictional, and for entertainment purposes only. Please don’t take it seriously. Therefore, it should not be considered financial, business, or legal advice.