Everyday Messages From My Boss Misinterpreted By My Anxiety
Everything is fine.
My Boss: Wow, this article looks great! I only had one or two edits.
My Anxiety: Do you know what this means? It means you’ve failed. FAILED. You should just accept that this is the end and hope you can walk away with some semblance of dignity to your name. You’ll need to act fast to save this. Type out a lengthy, apologetic email ensuring that you will not make another mistake. Once that’s done, start on your back-up plan. Pack a bag full of clothes, your passport, and some good travel snacks.
My Boss: Have you seen the newest season of Ozark? I think you might like it.
My Anxiety: I know what you’re thinking: what a cool boss! WRONG. This is a classic trap to see if you’re working a 15-hour day instead of a normal eight-hour day. Remind your boss that you will be working late today to show your dedication to your job. Then, on your lunch break, go to the bank and pull out all your money. Stash it in a safe place.
My Boss: Do you want to see a picture of my friend’s puppy?
My Anxiety: It’s cute, I know. And God knows you need that puppy picture right now because you are over-caffeinated, six hours into your work day, and you’re fighting tears because you can’t figure out if “graduate certificate” is capitalized when using AP Style, but do not give in. Say that you’ll look at it after work. In the meantime, start brushing up on your French and researching the most remote villages in France. For all they know, you’re just looking at vacation spots for your next trip.
My Boss: Hey! Did you see my email this morning?
My Anxiety: They’re on to you. They know you stepped away from your computer to go to the bathroom. Respond with an affirmative and details from the email to show you are engaged in your job. After work, book a flight to Paris and buy a burner phone.
My Boss: Good morning!
My Anxiety: Your tea took longer to boil than usual, so you logged on at 8:32 a.m. instead of the normal 8:30 a.m. They are definitely pissed and noticed that this singular lateness is a reflection of your lackadaisical attitude towards your job.
Perfect. Our plan is working. Those two minutes will ween off their dependency. Time to change your appearance. When your partner asks why you’re cutting off your hair and dying it purple, tell them you have been wanting to do this for a while and are trying a new look.
My Boss: Hey, I am going to log off early for the day.
My Anxiety: The ultimate test and the best opening. Log off after exactly eight hours of work. Not a minute more, not a minute less. Then, go dark. Flee the country with your ticket to Paris. Abandon your partner and your previous life. Once in Paris, call your partner on your burner phone. Tell them the job was too much to bear and you must go on the run. They’ll understand. Toss the phone and disappear into instant relief.
More from Emily Knapp:
