Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Except Me
Words of nihilistic wisdom from when I actually ruled the world.
I know the last person whose problems you want to hear about are those of someone who rules the world.
It’s not the best place to be in if you’re looking for sympathy points.
The first response all people have is jealousy. The second is, “I wonder if I could kill you and get away with it?”
It’s true what they say about the grass not being greener on the other side. Or when they say be careful what you wish for. Take me, for example. My life became vastly more complicated when I started ruling the world some 20-odd years ago.
The first thing you learn as ruler of the world if you didn’t know already: delegate everything.
Not that you’ll have a choice. Previous rulers of the world and the defenders of the status quo will see to it that all duties you might think of as your responsibility are already delegated out to someone else.
People think that if you rule the world it’s all unicorns and rainbows, but I’m here to tell you that isn’t so. Nobody ever thinks of the complications that come with ruling your own planet, they only think of the benefits.
Those supposed benefits are the most over-exaggerated part of the job. Everyone either smiles and congratulates you or jealously sneaks off to some dark corner to plot your demise, usually both. After that, it’s anything but unicorns and rainbows.
To paraphrase the Buddha, “expectations lead to disappointment and disappointment leads to suffering.” I wish my ardent supporters and cheerleaders understood that, especially when it comes to the nuanced politicking that comes with ruling the world.
To not paraphrase the Rolling Stones, you never get what you want and it’s only on the rare occasion you get what you need.
This leaves everyone at least a little bit disappointed. I got more done in terms of progress before I ruled the world. Those were simpler times.
What people fail to realize is how prone to miscommunication and misunderstanding the human race is. It’s not like I can wave my hand, decree something should be done, and then it will get done. In 20 years of ruling the world that has never happened. I learned to stop decreeing several disappointments ago.
There is a cosmic Universal Law that which most people fail to grasp the full meaning of ‘People hear what they want to hear’. This law doesn’t change just because one is the ruler of the world. Punishing well-intentioned but misguided advisors is a recipe for totalitarianism and signals to the masses that the world is being run by a tyrannical asshole.
That just leads one to lock oneself in one's bedroom eating crackers while one is consumed by paranoia and the same fear that one tried to direct outward towards one’s subjects. Not exactly the conditions under which one could bring paradise to the Earth as I had envisioned.
One cannot by decree demand that people stop acting like people. It’s a cruel irony that the human condition severely limits even absolute authority. You learn quickly that absolute authority isn’t an absolute authority.
About 10 years into ruling the world, I noticed that any policy idea I put forth came back as its opposite after going through committee.
Unlimited sick time for workers in need became no time off for anyone, which led to a power grab from corporate elites. I felt a tinge of guilt as I watched the world’s workers get punished for my grandiose utopian idea.
Promoting tolerance led to a rise in hatred and bigotry. Close-minded bigots feeling threatened banded together to form a formidable political alliance against tolerance. Again, sorry.
My proposal of free education for all sent the costs associated with education skyrocketing.
So much for decrees and good intentions.
All rulers need to be informed of that last lesson learned. If you want something, ask for its opposite.
You have to be a good actor if you try to pull it off, though or the people won’t believe you.
You might think that being Ruler of the World would give you a loud commanding voice that everyone paid attention to. You couldn’t be more wrong. I spend the great majority of my days just listening, mostly to complaints.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about complaints. If it weren’t for those, I would spend all day listening to every cockamamie plan thought up by extremists who think the least. Extremists are always coming up with plans.
If it weren’t for complaints, I would have no reason to keep putting these people off and I would be forced to put them on the docket. That would be pure torture. As it is, I only suffer from torture-lite.
As control freaks already know: the only way to get something done right is to do it yourself.
Now imagine all the work that goes into oppressing the general population of a planet, keeping them in the dark regarding fundamental truths, and you can see how cumbersome that would become.
And, yes, I recommend deceiving and manipulating the general population even though it flies in the face of progress and the common good. It’s just easier and the advisors are used to it.
Trying to educate the world or trying to make people freer comes with gluttony of complications. Taking that approach could also lead to your early demise and the world will be no better off.
I recommend ruling the world for a short period of time to control freaks.
It’s a humbling experience. Quite sobering. You’d eventually realize that the only way to achieve contentment is to let go of everything and just go with the flow. People are going to do what they are going to do and it’s not worth the effort to stop them.
Another problem with trying to accomplish anything is dealing with the hordes of naysayers and doubters. Nothing will destroy the best thought-out plan faster than the words “Nah, there’s no way that will work.”
Those words are an infectious spell that spreads like a virus to the far-flung reaches of the Earth before one can even begin to counteract their effects with a more rosy, positive outlook.
Some days I even go so far as to dream of revolution, of overthrowing myself.
If I were to make it into exile in Antarctica, as Adolf Hitler and Elvis Presley did, avoiding my own execution, I could then watch the next ruler from a distance with a perverse schadenfreude delight as he or she or it failed to implement his, her, or its vision for lasting world peace and prosperity. A plan that I’m sure would likely resemble my own as well as the plans of many of the rulers who came before me.
When it comes down to brass tacks, nobody wants to put in the effort to really change the world for the better.
This is especially true for Democrats and Republicans. Improving the world is an undertaking that requires effort from the general population. It also requires that the population know and believe in more of the fundamental truths than they want to know about. You’d be amazed how stubborn people are when it comes to defending their own ignorance.
Even if told the truth about everything directly, most people wouldn’t hear it to begin with, and those who did hear it would be sure they misheard and brush it off, wiping it from their minds before the truth could take hold. Even when you rule the world, you can’t change human nature.
Once I got over trying to accomplish anything, I even let the world run itself for a few days and nobody was all the wiser.
I also left the world in the hands of a janitor, my chauffeur, a mime, and a small rabid dog for several days each. No one seemed to notice. It’s as if all people need is a warm body, or perhaps even a sculpture or a speck of dust to occupy the position.
At first, I was amazed when I returned to find that nothing had changed. In the end, the people were unphased as I took back the traditional relics and throne which symbolize my authority. The symbols of my rule that accompany me in this sad, sad catatonic zombie-filled world.
Don’t fear a zombie apocalypse, it’s already happened.
The secrets I could tell. The secrets I did tell, without consequence or belief, as the world continued turning to baffle me to this day.
You’d be amazed at how stubborn people can be about “the way things are” even when offered evidence that soundly and directly contradicts “the way things are.”
I tried to abdicate my thrown, but the advisors just laughed it off. One day I finally just left, abandoning my throne without looking back. In fact, I’m not sure what they did, if anything. For all I know, I might still rule the world.
That should be enough to deter anyone from attempting to seize the world’s seat of power, even Vladimir Putin. Not that it will matter. Even if you believe, no one will believe you. The system perpetuates itself as we continue in a zombified daze spinning in circles, day in and day out.
As you can see, ruling the world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s definitely not for the faint of heart.
Maybe someday, someone will lower the bar far enough for us to get it right.
