Every Parent Knows: The Job of Parenting Is a Lifetime Sentence

See parenting in a whole new light

Recently, one of my friends asked me why I write about parenting. I was confused by the question, thinking she knew all the struggles we went through to become parents, “Don’t you know?”

Nope.

“You are one of the people who ought to know.”

Looking at me, shaking head no —

“Wow, we’ve got some catching up to do.”

Children didn’t come easily to us. They came after a decade of trying, and most days we call ourselves blessed to have these two girls, who are six years apart in age. Our family of four should be a family of eight. We’ve got to reach back a lot of years to get in touch with the pain of how our family came to be.

We lost the heartbeat of not one, or two, but four different confirmed children. If you’re reading between the lines to think there could be more than four, you are correct. Those of you aching to be parents can understand the desire to want children so badly, and then feel the pain of having them ripped away when you were so close.

Some of the darkest days of my life were in those moments. Imagine having a newborn, then losing a baby six months later. In the moments of holding one child, while grieving the one we lost, my emotions ran a spectrum between depression, sadness, and joy.

Fast forward six years, and we were finally pregnant with our second child. Fourteen weeks in, we got blindsided with some news: All the risks were now mine. The baby seemed viable, but for the rest of the pregnancy, I could die.

We’d been so focused on the baby being viable, we hadn’t considered that I had risks, much less that my life could be in danger. After all we’d been through, you’d think someone could have warned us of these risks before we were confronted with the reality of them, but none of the doctors had mentioned it until now.

It stands to reason, that when my family is threatened, or someone puts our health at risk, my dander raises. The kids we’re blessed to have on this Earth beat the odds just to exist. Each struggled to live before she took her first breath. We’re a family of survivors.

Do you regret having kids?

Some people do.

There’s a Facebook group with nearly 20K people called: I Regret Having Children, where parents get to vent when they have a bad day.

I stumbled upon the group in awe after someone mentioned it to me. I’m friends with some people who are members.

There are interesting reads. Some people live a life they want back, the life before they had kids. Some call their kids a mistake and wish their kids were never born. Some had an oops moment and live with the lifetime consequence. Others wanted their kids, but never imagined raising kids would turn out to be such a tough job and wish they could rewind the clock to make different choices.

The emotion and pain make ScarryMommy look angelic. Real-life versions of Mommie Dearest exist.

Parents know that raising kids isn’t an easy job. You’ve got to celebrate the wins when you can because kids are wild creatures and unpredictable to deal with day in and day out, especially for single parents. Most parents expect to have a “normal” child. You know, one with ten fingers and ten toes. Not a child who has special needs or a difficult life. Sometimes life hands us more than we bargain for.

Other times you can hate the job, but love your kid(s). That thinking, from Parenting, is one every parent can relate to, and if you’re honest, at least on some days, you hate the job of parenting.

Maybe you don’t hate being a parent, but there are days so rough, you wish the stork would come back and whisk the kids away so that you can try again with a fresh start tomorrow.

If you couldn’t relate before, now we’ve found common ground because parenting sucks some days. Every parent knows this. It’s okay; we can be honest. I won’t tell anyone. Spit swear and pinky shake.

The days when it’s raining, when it’s too hot or too cold to go outside. When the kids are absolute monsters and fry every last one of your nerves. You can’t take a shower or go to the bathroom without a kiddo pounding on the bathroom door. The days when you’re stuck inside, tripping over each other, unable to escape seeing their pretty faces because none of you can stand each other —

Still, I wouldn’t use the word “hate.”

But maybe you would. If you’re that person, I think I can begin to understand.

Get Help

I don’t know how single parents do it. I’m grateful I’m not one of them. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Some people wish they were dead so not to have to deal with their kids. To you, I pray hope. Ask for help from family, a neighbor, church, or reach out to Big Brothers Big Sisters. Find a way to get a break.

Stop Comparing

Get off social media and stop comparing yourself to everyone’s perfect holiday pics where the family accidentally smiles when the camera clicks. You know their dog walked in front of the camera, they were yelling at each other, and the kids were crying before they captured the picture-perfect moment.

Ignore the mom who sews for the kids, new first-day of school clothes, and has a beautifully propped back to school Instagram moment. It’s not worth the stress. Capture the moment of the kids with the backpacks as they head out the door. Preserve the moment and sanity, not the anxiety.

Make it Up

Parenting requires a lot of guesswork. There’s no manual for what to do and what not to do. You’re going to do a lot wrong. And, if you live in fear of messing up the kids, you’re likely to do just that even more than we’re naturally inclined to do.

Give yourself a break. There’s a little science to the ugly art that is parenting. It’s a messy job, but someone’s got to do it. Most days, we make up what to do, and sometimes we come up with the right answers.

Final Thoughts

Don’t beat yourself up over the could have, would have, should have done moments. If you do have regrets, take comfort in the fact that we all regret what we could have done or said differently. Don’t let regrets destroy you. You’ll have great stories to tell the kids later: Let me tell you about that one time when, and the lowlight reel becomes the highlight reel.

Most parents love their kids, even if they hate the job. Let go of perfectionism. Neither you nor your kids are perfect. If you set imperfection as a basic premise, there’s a lot of hope and encouragement that life will be okay. You will live through the rough days and have tougher resolve. Once you have kids, you’re stuck with them for their lifetime, or at least for the rest of your days. Treasure the bright days.

And if you genuinely hate your kids, may I offer a hug?