Every Book Ever Written

The biggest library in the Universe

I stared at the words carved in marble above the big metal double doors. It read, “Every Book Ever Written.” Wow, if this really was a library that contained every book ever written then I definitely wanted to go in and browse. But the tall double doors had no doorknobs or handles with which to open them.

Do I knock? Or what? Then I noticed a metal panel on the marble wall to the right of the doors. In the middle of the panel was a small computer screen with the outline of a right human hand printed on it. Hmm…

I stepped up to the panel and placed my right hand on the screen inside the hand outline. Suddenly, the two big doors began opening. They did not swing out or in but rather opened to the sides away from each other. Once they were fully opened I stepped inside.

I was blown away. There were book shelves that stretched as far as I could see. There must have been hundreds of millions of books. I am a book freak so to see so many books and to feel the vibes of all those books was an orgasmic experience. Did I die and go to heaven?

I began slowly walking down the center aisle with shelves of books on either side of me. I could not see the end of the aisle. It was too far away.

As I walked and walked I began inspecting the shelves more closely. I quickly realized that the books were listed alphabetically by author. I had to walk over twenty minutes before I got to the B’s.

Then it occurred to me that if this library really had every book ever published then it would have my books. Suddenly it became imperative that I find my books in this largest library in the Universe.

But there was a problem with that. You see, when every library and every bookstore in the world lists books alphabetically by author (including the bookstores I’ve run) it is always done by the author’s last name, followed by their first name.

But I do not have a last name nor a first name. Like Cher, Madonna and Adele, I only have one name: White Feather. The problem is that one name has two words. But White is not my first name and Feather is not my last name!

But we have all been taught to alphabetize as though every name was a Christian name with first and last components plus middle initials. It’s the way it has always been done. Every account that I have either online or in real life I am listed as, Feather, White. I get notices that say, ‘Hey White, how ya doin?’ But White is not my name! My name is even listed this way on my driver’s license. If I got stopped for speeding at a hundred miles per hour the police officer would say, “Mr. Feather would you please exit your vehicle.

I am not Mr. Feather and I am not White. I am White Feather.

Think of the great Lakota warrior Crazy Horse. Crazy was not his first name and Horse was not his last name. He only had one name and that was Crazy Horse. It’s the same with Black Elk. Black was not his first name and Elk was not his last name.

But we’ve been taught there is only one proper way to alphabetize names and that is according to Christian names.

So I started walking much faster looking for my books, wondering if they would be incorrectly listed in the F’s for Feather or correctly in the W’s for White Feather.

When I finally got to the F’s I was relieved to find that my books were not incorrectly there but I also began wondering if my books were even in this library.

So I started to run, headed for the W’s. I ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. When I finally made it I was overjoyed to see that my books were correctly alphabetized under White Feather (and not White, Feather). All my books were there, including the one book I unpublished.

But wait a minute! There were more books by me! I counted nine additional books. Looking through them I realized that they were indeed written by me but I had not written them…

…not yet anyway! Were these books that I would write before I kick the bucket? Were these additional nine books the ones I still had to write to round out all the books I will have written in my life? Nine more books! Considering my current age I will have to live to at least one hundred years of age to write nine more books! Either that or write every minute of every waking day until I finally collapse.

I then wondered if I could check those nine books out of the library and then copy them and publish them. I laughed. That would be cheating — maybe even plagiarizing. (Can you plagiarize yourself?)

No, I realized that I would simply have to write those nine books.

Just then a voice came over an unseen intercom system. It said, “The library will be closing in ten minutes. Everyone must leave now.”

I took one last look at all my books then I started to run. As delightful as the notion of being locked in the Universe’s largest library was, I wasn’t sure if or how I could ever get out.

I ran and ran and ran for what seemed like half an hour. As I neared the library entrance an alarm suddenly went off. I ran as fast as I could and as the two big double doors began coming together to close I dove through the narrow opening just before they closed. It felt like I was diving for home plate in the bottom of the ninth inning in game 7 of the World Series.

I made it. I was safe.

Oddly, the alarm kept sounding. After a minute, though, I realized that it wasn’t the library alarm. It was the alarm clock next to my bed. Abruptly, I woke up and reached over to turn off the alarm clock.

I sat there for a moment rubbing my face. I’ve got to write nine more books?! Seriously?

As I got out of bed and headed for the bathroom I thought to myself, Better make a big pot of coffee.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.

Speaking of libraries…