“Every Age is the Best Age”

Raising children is hard

Standing in line at the pharmacy, I wondered if I’ve always stood this way. It hit me that I’ve had two children. It all happened so fast. My burnout is decreasing and I am able to truly enjoy them again.

I know I will miss these days. Hearing them make each other laugh is the best sound I’ve ever heard. It makes every single thing worth it. I’ve always heard people say that — “it” makes everything worth it — I never believed them — that’s just what you say, I thought. Maybe they were lying, but right now I am not.

Right after they go to bed I have about an hour where I don’t think about them very much. Here and there, especially with the monitor near, but not so much. Then I start missing them. Thinking of the things they said and did that day — laughing. Thinking about how fast they are growing up.

I want them badly to have independence. My body hurts from holding them. Carrying them inside and out. Holding them in heart and head. But can’t they stay this way forever?

I remember a quote — I can’t remember who said it — in response to someone asking what the best age of a child is, he said, “every age is the best age.” I hang onto that so tight. Every age is the best age.

Having children is so hard. Your heart is walking around in front of you, spinning in circles, insisting on getting hurt. Experiencing life for the second time with such big emotions.

Some days I wonder how I hold it together at all. How I don’t crumble under the weight of motherhood. How any of us don’t. It is so heavy — like a warm, weighted blanket on a cold night. It feels so good. So comfortable. But sometimes it gets hot and seems to double in weight. I just want to take it off for a few minutes — stick my foot out, at least.

Find your quote and hang onto it. Hang on as tight as you can.

Alicia Lee Colasurdo 2021

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