Even Feminists Are Stuck in the Patriarchal Matrix
And we can’t even see it
I shaved my legs before having sex recently. There. I admit it.
No one will care that I just said this. All the open-minded women here will support me in making this decision because it’s my body and my choice. (Thank you.)
But the thing is: I didn’t shave my legs because it was “my choice.” I mean, yes, I chose to pick up that razor and go to town on those hairy calves, but the reason I chose to shave is I’ve been made to feel ashamed of my legs when I don’t shave.
I have never “worn them out in public” except to an afternoon at the lake while camping with my brother and his family. I am terrified that some asshole at the grocery store will holler across the aisle that my legs are disgusting (yes, it’s 2021, and all women know that men still feel entitled to comment on the appearance of women they don’t know). And hell if I want to risk a potential lover making a hasty exit because my legs are just a little too feral for their taste.
I kinda prefer to have hairy legs, though. If I shave them, they are “pretty” (according to cultural standards), but prickly as hell, no matter how often I shave. And honestly, I just don’t want to spend the time on it. I have other things I’d rather do.
I’m not thrilled that my legs are so pale and my leg hair so dark. I’m definitely not into how long it gets. I mean, Jesus. What’s the deal with that?
But I like how soft my legs feel when I don’t shave. And I like feeling more like “myself” with the hairy legs. More like what my body was made to do. I haven’t dyed my hair in fifteen years. I don’t wear much makeup. I don’t paint my nails. Not shaving fits pretty well into my general vibe.
I’ve been incredibly proud of myself for recently rocking my hairy armpits without trying to hide them. Admittedly, this is largely because I literally cannot shave them due to my shoulder injury. I don’t really have a choice in the matter. Nevertheless, I have flaunted my hairy armpits not only on Instagram now, but in front of my orthopedist, my physical therapist, my GP, and a lover. And each time, it’s gotten easier.
But my legs…? Not so easy. The idea that I have to shave them, that they always have to be smooth and hairless in order to be sexually attractive or socially acceptable, is deeply, deeply embedded within me.
Over the past two years, as I’ve dived deeper into my own inner conditioning than ever before, I’ve become a little bit afraid of what’s in there. Or rather, what’s in there that I have not yet noticed.
I don’t think we can deny that so much of what we do and who we are is a product of that conditioning. And when that conditioning is misogynistic, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, etc., how do we get to the point where we can be sure that our conditioning is not running the show? Hell, how can we even be sure that we aren’t hurting others with this conditioning when we are conditioned not to notice our role in perpetuating our culture’s systems of oppression?
Is that not a scary thought?
But we cannot afford to not ask these questions. Because we can see the evidence of our own acts of self-oppression everywhere.
Recently, a friend sent me a video of an episode of You Up with Nikki Glaser. In it, she and her co-hosts interview feminist musician and writer, Liz Phair.
They start the conversation with an important topic: the responsibility female entertainers have to maintain a certain visual aesthetic — and with a bar much higher than the ones the average male entertainer has to contend with.
Phair shares a humorous anecdote about getting a bikini wax before a performance, which leads Hannah Berner to divulge that she is going through the process of having her pubic hair removed with laser treatments because getting bikini waxes was too painful. “…The whole time I would just like curse out whatever guy I was sleeping with because like, I’m not doing it for me.” A moment later, she adds, “It’s the only way I orgasm.” I think the implication is that she needs oral sex to orgasm and that men will not go down on her unless her vulva is hairless.
Glaser responds by admitting she initially misheard Berner and then makes a joke about her misunderstanding.
Meanwhile, I as a viewer, have my mouth half-open. Ummm, there are four feminists sitting in a room with microphones and a huge audience, and not one of them raised a flag there? Hello!
Had I been in that studio, I would’ve immediately asked why we, as women were taking responsibility (by way of altering our bodies in a very painful way) for men’s preferences in female beauty standards in order to receive sexual pleasure, while men do not have to make the same adjustments or sacrifices in order to receive their own pleasure. Where’s the conversation about that?
Later, the foursome talk about boyfriends: how much Glaser wants a boyfriend but cannot seem to get one, how Phair has wrestled with the same problem, how women’s emotional needs cannot be met in hookup culture. (Flag! Discuss!)
They dive into some really juicy questions and explorations, but ultimately, they land on the fact that women are more focused on their careers now than ever before and that perhaps this is the reason why so many amazing, successful women are single.
Phair noted, “I want that [a partner and a happy home life] and yet all my choices lead me toward art rather than that.”
Meanwhile, I’m sitting there, watching this exchange two years after it was recorded, wondering how on earth four educated, worldly feminists are sitting there taking responsibility for their lack of romantic and sexual fulfillment because of their investment in their careers.
Let’s be very clear here that four men discussing life would never, ever talk about their pubic hair. That subject is of no interest because men get a free pass on pubes in this culture.
Can you even imagine men lamenting how much it hurts to get waxed and that they only do it because they want blow jobs and no woman will put a dick in her mouth unless it came without a wreath of hair?
Can you imagine men bemoaning how hard it is to get a girlfriend and then coming to the conclusion that they need to take responsibility for that fact because they are too focused on their careers?
Can you imagine?
The patriarchy is in us so deeply that even a roomful of feminists don’t notice what’s happening.
It’s long past time to challenge these cultural expectations. Women shouldn’t have to remove their pubic hair in order to receive sexual pleasure from a man. (Wanting to is a different story.)
And we most definitely do not need to take responsibility for not having boyfriends just because we are putting a lot of energy into our careers. Men have always had the luxury of pursuing both objectives simultaneously and do not appear to be experiencing any difficulty with either one.
The fact that even feminists are not questioning these cultural norms is a problem.
But what’s scarier is the reason why we aren’t questioning it. We don’t question it because we are so conditioned by patriarchal norms that we don’t notice there’s anything to question.
One of men’s favorite things to tell me is how feminist they are. They love to go on about how much they love women and want equality, but in reality, the majority of men I meet don’t show much respect for the women in their lives. Always look at the way they treat their girlfriend or wife, and you’ll learn everything you need to know about their “wokeness.”
And if they don’t show respect to the women they love, I find it hard to believe they have much respect for women, in general.
The truth is, most men have immense baggage filled with sexist and misogynistic beliefs. And that’s entirely fair and normal when you grow up as a man in a culture that centers on maleness and reviles and abuses femaleness.
The problem is, again, that they (like women) can’t see their own complicity in female oppression because our cultural perspectives both instruct our beliefs and behaviors while also blinding us to what’s really going on.
We are all in this together. No matter our gender identification, we are operating within the Patriarchal (and White Supremacist) Matrix, which means we are blinded to its machinations. Even when we know this, even when we just assume that the patriarchy is deeply embedded within us, we will still miss a lot.
Too much is still going unchallenged. Even by a roomful of feminists. Even by a strong woman who still feels so much shame around her hairy legs that she can’t let a lover see them.
How do we remove what we don’t even recognize is within us?
© Yael Wolfe 2021
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