Ethical, Non-Monogamy: Good in Theory, Not in Practice.

Summary

The author reflects on their personal experience with an open marriage, which ultimately led to divorce due to unresolved emotional conflicts and the challenges of maintaining boundaries within ethical non-monogamy (ENM).

Abstract

The article is a personal account of the author's journey through an open marriage, which initially seemed like an attractive concept that promised the best of both worlds: the security of marriage and the excitement of new relationships. The author agreed to an open marriage despite reservations, leading to a series of experiences that included swinging and forming a polyamorous quad. However, the reality of ENM introduced complex issues such as jealousy, insecurity, and the difficulty of managing emotional connections outside the primary relationship. The author emphasizes that ENM requires high levels of self-awareness, self-esteem, and emotional intelligence, qualities that are often lacking in individuals, leading to conflict and instability. The author's marriage, which was once communicative and stable, became strained by the introduction of ENM, eventually resulting in divorce. The article serves as a cautionary tale about the potential pitfalls of open relationships.

Opinions

Open relationships can work for a small percentage of people but are generally a "recipe for disaster" for most, often serving as an excuse to avoid dealing with underlying issues.
The author believes that open marriages can lead to uncontrollable outside forces disrupting stable marriages or exacerbating problems in failing ones.
The article suggests that maintaining boundaries in ENM is challenging, especially when one partner manipulates or coerces the other into situations they are uncomfortable with.
The author points out that despite efforts to communicate and follow guidelines outlined in books on ENM, these practices did not prevent the development of intimacy between the author and another person, which led to conflict.
The author expresses that the phrase "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" did not apply in their ENM experience, as their ex-partner attempted to control the dynamics of the relationship to their advantage.
The article conveys that the author's ex-partner had a "hot wife" fetish, which contributed to the complexity of their ENM dynamic, as it involved power imbalances and objectification.
Ultimately, the author concluded that the highs and lows of the ENM lifestyle were not sustainable for their marriage, leading to the decision to file for divorce.

Ethical, Non-Monogamy: Good in Theory, Not in Practice.

“Open relationships help both partners become skilled at communicating their personal needs. They also relieve the pressure of having to fulfill all the emotional and sexual needs of one partner and allow partners to express different aspects of themselves that they might not have explored in a monogamous relationship.”

— Rosalind Cummings-Yeates

In theory an open relationship sounds like the best of both worlds. You get the security of marriage with the thrill of dating. I believe a small percentage of the population can thrive in this dynamic, but for most of society it is a recipe for disaster. It is an excuse to cheat and push issues under the rug. Issues better suited for a therapist than a fuck buddy.

In practice an open marriage resulted in my divorce. When I agreed to open our marriage, I begrudgingly got on a roller coaster that I could not get off. While some twists were exhilarating, most of the time I closed my eyes, put my head down and just wanted it to be over.

Open marriages allow “wants” to be met by someone other than your spouse. Open marriages create intrigue, when the intrigue in your relationship exited long ago. If both partners agree to “wants” getting fulfilled by another, then all systems go. But what often happens is one or both partners are not okay with their spouse experiencing orgasmic ecstasy or emotional connection with another. Jealousy, insecurity and anger start to disrupt the ride.

Swinging was our ethical, non-monogamy (ENM) introduction. However, we both agreed that casual sex was not our thing. I do not enjoy sex without emotional connection. I wanted to stop at this point. After 5 swinging experiences I was done.

That’s when “we” formed a polyamorous quad with another couple. This is a perfect example of my inability to maintain boundaries to keep the peace. I’m a “yes” wo-man so he’ll stop manipulating the narrative with projecting and gaslighting.

Open marriages do one of two things, open a stable marriage to uncontrollable outside forces or add those same dynamics to a failing one. Boundaries, toxic personalities and unnecessary conflict are all factors to consider when opening your marriage.

Is it an oxymoron, love with boundaries? It implies feelings can be controlled, tamed, fenced. I agree you can repress feelings; I did that for most of my 22-year marriage. However, the feelings are there, glimmering like a mirage in the desert. Never actualized but yearning to come to fruition. Why tempt fate?

Open relationships require all individuals to have high self-awareness, self-esteem and emotional intelligence. Most people are co-dependent, have narcissistic tendencies and emotional trauma. The likelihood of having 4 stable people in an open relationship is slim to none. Toxic traits do not a perfect orgy make!

My journey into ENM was a perfect shit storm.* To be honest, I hate to project blame onto my ex, but his lack of self-love created a barrier to him receiving and giving love. We got along because I was an enabler. An enabler at the expense of maintaining my boundaries.

However, we maintained a happy, stable life. Without the influence of outside people, I maintained the illusion the grass was greener on my side of the fence. When I became intimate with another man, both sexually & emotionally, my grass was not greener.

Our marriage was communicative with very little conflict. Opening our marriage, as you can imagine, introduced a world of conflict. Talking and communicating about our feelings for other people began to take away from our kids and other interests.

We read books including “Polysecure” and “More Than Two.” We talked, talked, talked, and talked some more. It didn’t help. My ex couldn’t deal with what I was communicating. I told him when I started feeling deeply for this man including sharing our texts. He and that man’s wife were hot & heavy long before I developed feelings. In fact, for the first three months, I was shocked at how the other woman attached to my ex.

My ex had a “hot wife” fetish. He liked the attention he got from the other woman, but the thrill of other men finding me desirable was undeniable. I was pimped out for his pleasure.

The catch? When I developed a connection with the other man, he became uncomfortable. He liked other men fucking me, somewhat against my will. When I became willing, in fact, started wanting it, he became insecure.

Boundaries and communication cannot prevent the development of intimacy between you and another person.

“What’s good for the goose is NOT good for the gander,” became an idiom I repeated often. It was obvious my ex wanted to run the poly show. Dictate the boundaries. Do what he wanted. Control my feelings. He soon realized the roller coaster was off the rails.

Our marriage was a merry-go-round, safe and predictable. Open marriage was a roller coaster, the twists became highs I could not live without, and the turns became lows I could not forgive. Two years into our open marriage, I filed for divorce.

The ENM Roller Coaster: Ride at your own risk or suffer the consequences.

*Please read my ENM journey in my CHEATED Tales.