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Esperanto vs Klingon: When the Languages of Peace and War Date

Can bat’leths and sleeping babies exist under the same roof?

The couple in the photo above seem like they’re having a wonderful conversation, don’t they? Unfortunately, neither speaks the other’s preferred language.

Jimbo, a big fan of Duolingo’s Klingon course, is saying “chonayDI’ chenchoH tuq’a’, or A major house forms when you marry me.” Sissy, an Esperanto enthusiast, is saying, Mi tiom amas vin! Bonvolu diri, ke vi amas min, or I love you so much! Please say you love me.”

Noooo, I don’t think she’d really be so emotions-forward — not out loud in front of God and everybody. Let’s assume she’s just thinking about it. Perhaps what she’s really saying is, “Are your parents okay with the fact that I’m not Shinto / a lawyer / a virgin / a vegan?”

Pssst, Sissy, here’s how you say that: “Ĉu viaj gepatroj konsentas pri tio, ke mi ne estas Ŝintoismo / advokato / virgulino / vegano?”

Will these two have trouble communicating as the years go by? Oh my, yes! If you have any doubts, just check out the handy phrases they’re learning in those crucial 15 Duolingo minutes in bed before the lights go out.

According to Mashable, phrases Jimbo is learning include:

• Surrender or die! — bljeghbe’chugh vaj blHegh
• Success and honor! — Qapla’ batlh je!
• A Klingon will die. — Hegh tlhIngan.
• Your ship is a garbage scow. — veQDujn’ oH Dujllj’e’
• You are as incompetent as a topah. — bItlhIb; toppa’ Darur.
• That Klingon is drinking bloodwine. — ‘Iw Hlq tlhutlhtaH tlhInganvetlh.
• One man can cut four thousand throats in a single night, if he is continually running. — qaStaHvIS wa’ ram loSSaD Hugh SIjlaH qetbogh loD.

Yes! Jimbo is establishing himself as a galaxy-class shit-talker and bat’leth swacker. He’ll be ready to cut throats and implode planets when the time is right!

Meanwhile, the phrases Sissy encounters include:

• The man and the woman are drinking coffee in the cafe. — La viro kaj la virino trinkas kafon en la kafejo.
• The three tired babies are sleeping. — La tri lacaj beboj dormas.
• The woman and two happy dogs play in the large park. — La virino kaj du feliĉaj hundoj ludas en la granda parko.
• Are you unhappy because the wine is warm or because the coffee is cold? — Ĉu vi estas malfeliĉa ĉar la vino estas varma aŭ ĉar la kafo estas malvarma?
• The boys want carrots but the girls like to eat avocados. — La knaboj volas karotojn sed la knabinoj ŝatas manĝi avokadojn.

Yes indeed! Sissy is preparing herself for a comfortable, upper-middle class life in Sothern Europe between the turn of the 19th century and the moment Gavrilo Princip shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Can these star-struck lovers bridge their differences? Of course! Because Esperanto’s originator, Ludwik Zamenhof, created it as a bridge between nations. He wanted the world to understand each other and live in harmony. To that end, Esperanto only has sixteen rules; its grammar and vocabulary are both as simple as possible, so that learners could quickly become speakers, and speakers could become lovers.

Will they bridge their differences? Of course not, because Klingon is a conlang created to both have the nit-picky weirdnesses and unnecessary complications of a natural language, while providing a field of battle where the aggression and violence of Klingon culture can run amok. Klingons have their place in the balanced environment of space, just as lions have their place on the Serengeti, on a small hilltop overlooking a herd of grazing wildebeests.

Will Sissy and Jimbo get married? Probably so. Klingon.wiki tells us they have a remarkably diverse range of expression. When their targeted wildebeest — er, Esperantist — is in range, they can fire off such winning lines as,

• When I accompany you, we are together. When I accompany others, I am alone. — qatlhejDI’ matay’. latlhpu’ vItlhejDI’ jImob.
• When I consider my important things, my honor and you have the same level. — potlhmeywIj vIqelDI’ patlh rap lughaj batlhwIj SoH je.
• I demand you when I am passionate. — jInongDI’ qapoQ.

Whew! How many of you need a cold shower and a beverage just now? Understandably, any Esperantist hearing these things will respond with their own love language, invoking cocoa and avocados. This will be delightful — an opposites-attract kind of affair.

Until, inevitably, it isn’t.

Jimbo will become bored, because a conquest too easily won provides no honor to his house. For her party, Sissy will tire of getting her daisies and embroidered dishtowels trampled on. “Merlot is just as acceptable as blood wine! Why should we have steak tartare every night of the week?”

When either Sissy or Jimbo Googles advice for mixed-culture relationships, Marriage.com will tell them to focus on their communication. That’s great, but without the gloss of new love’s hormonal rush, Sissy will hear (accurately, for the first time) that Jimbo’s Klingon sounds like broken glass in a clothes dryer.

Jimbo will wonder why Sissy’s Esperanto suddenly sounds less a night by a warm fire with a hot woman and more like a bloodless, bastardly mix of every Slavic, Germanic, and Romance language he’s ever studied in school, and loathed.

Luckily for star-crossed lovers like Jimbo and Sissy, there’s a whole new vocabulary they can both start learning.

• Divorce lawyer — eksedziĝa advokato in Esperanto, or hut in Klingon.
• Custody agreement — prizorga interkonsento in Esperanto, or vang in Klingon.
• Settlement hearing — Kompromisa aŭdienco in Esperanto, or tiq in Klingon.

At this point, Sissy will cock her head to one side like a spaniel and ask, “why are the Klingon phrases for divorce so short, while every other Klingon phrase is so long?”

Jimbo will gaze back at Sissy with a slowly widening grin. This is when Sissy realizes that she’s late to meet her sister / mother / best friend at the park, so they can play with their dogs.

“Adiaŭo, Jimbo.”

He watches her walk through the security gates of the courthouse until she disappears beyond the glass doors.

“Qapla’, Sissy.”

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