Escaping the Illusion of Love Created by a Narcissist

Recognize the signs of trauma-bond manipulation and psychological abuse.

Dear Narcissistic Abuse Victim, I am sorry for the pain, frustration, and confusion you must feel. You enter a relationship and make yourself entirely vulnerable for your partner. You feel like they are your soulmate. They make you feel loved and cherished. You share your deepest secrets and all of your insecurities.

And then…BOOM. Around three to six months in, everything changes. Suddenly you feel like you cannot do anything right. The man you loved is now using your insecurities and deepest secrets against you. He doesn’t like your friends, so you become isolated and feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells. Sound familiar?

You did nothing differently. You are perplexed as to why the man you love is treating you the way he is. Yes, you make mistakes, but that is human nature. He makes them too. So what is really happening?

Trauma Bond 101

A trauma bond is a push-pull cycle that keeps you from returning to a psychologically abusive relationship with a narcissist. Unless you have experienced it, it is difficult to understand why anyone would return to someone who treats them so poorly. But I stayed in that relationship for five years before realizing what was happening.

The brain tricks you because your man (or, in fairness, woman) will bait you in with kindness, and when you are comfortable again, he will bash you down. It is a hot and cold cycle. The brain will produce oxytocin (happy hormones) when he is kind and cortisol (stress hormones) when he is cruel. The instability causes a storm within your heart and soul. It leaves you feeling emotionally unsafe and insecure.

Most days, you do not know if you are coming or going. You desperately want the relationship to work, and yet you question why. You start feeling crazy because the man you love is so manipulative. And he is darn good at it.

You try to fix all the problems and study how to be a better partner because he has convinced you that you are the one doing everything wrong or overreacting.

You take online personality tests because the man you love repeatedly tells you that you have borderline personality disorder or narcissism, even though he is far from qualified to diagnose you.

Until you break free from the trauma bond and finally escape the illusion of love, you won’t realize that he was projecting; he was the narcissist.

A narcissist will feed off your misery because they are energy vampires. They suck the life out of your soul. They feel better when they make people feel bad, especially you. It makes them feel like they have power and influence, but again it is all an illusion. Likely, they also speak badly about their past relationships, which is a red flag.

Psychological Abuse

Their manipulation tactics are psychologically abusive. They take power over your emotions and play you like a marionette. They provoke anger to get a reaction and then blame you and call you abusive. This tactic is reactive abuse, and you are not to feel blamed.

“Reactive abuse: when a victim is abused, antagonized, and gaslighted and finally stands up for themselves. This may be angry words, acts of defiance, or even violence. The retaliation to the abuse. THEN the oppressor calls the victim the abusive one.” ~ Author Unknown

In my experience, most narcissists have experienced childhood trauma or neglect. They are terrified of abandonment and lack self-love and acceptance. Narcissism is a form of self-sabotage. On a subconscious level, they are convinced they do not deserve you, which is why they have jealous control issues.

They will tell you everything you want to hear, buy you cards, and court you until you call them out on any minor thing. Then they will punish you. That is where their true colors show. You know someone has class and truly loves you if they leave the relationship respectfully. A narcissist will use smear campaigns when you leave them. Their anger will rage when you finally tire of their manipulation. Rise above. Please do not listen to the toxic poison they try to feed your mind. Deep down, you know your self-worth. That is why they chose you to begin with. Narcissists do not pick ugly, worthless people — they go for the prize so they will look better.

They do not love themselves. It is not your fault nor your job to make them feel loved. Forgive yourself. You cannot fill that void in their life. What you can do is reinvent yourself and continue to love yourself.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

• Isolating
• Hyper criticism
• Refusing to communicate/ stonewalling
• Domination
• Using statements such as, “If you______, I will______” or “If you don’t _________I will__________”
• Guilt trips, placing blame on you, and lack of personal responsibility
• Talking in circles without resolving conflict, dredging up past mistakes
• Destroying your possessions or threatening you
• Using money to control you

If he says any of these things, you are likely being gaslighted:

You are so sensitive Stop acting crazy You are so paranoid I was only kidding It was no big deal You are overreacting Oh, there you go again Nobody believes you, and nobody cares We talked about this, remember? Can’t you take a joke? Stop taking everything so seriously

If these things sound familiar, I want you to surround yourself with supportive people who allow your Light to shine. Start preparing quietly to leave the relationship. Seek counseling if you are experiencing depression or want to see if his behavior will change. It was my experience that couples therapy did not work. My narcissistic ex could not take any criticism and would not take personal responsibility. Each time I tried to leave, he lashed out worse. Have a plan in place, and if you feel you are ever in harm, please go to the police and court for a protection order. Please do not stay in the relationship out of fear.

If you are having recurring headaches, loss of appetite, hair loss, trouble sleeping, memory loss, or chronic pain. These are physical signs of post-traumatic stress syndrome. Please seek help. You have experienced psychological abuse, and your body and soul are begging for help.

Conclusion

Each relationship teaches us a lesson, some more than others. After recovering from the emotional and psychological abuse, realize what you have learned so you do not fall for another abusive person. Thank the friends and family that pointed out the abusive behavior they witnessed. It can be challenging to see the abuse while we are in turmoil.

Breaking trauma bonds has been compared to being as challenging as giving up opioid drugs. I have not done drugs, but leaving a narcissist was one of the hardest things I have done.

No contact was the only way I could finally break free after an on-again, off-again relationship for five years. He has tried to email me, what’s app me, and reach out to my friends and family. He has written false articles about me and maintains an intense smear campaign. I fell many times when he came back and sincerely apologized. But I learned faster each time that he wanted to hurt me. Each time I returned, he used it against me. He can no longer hurt me because my level of awareness is at an all-time high.

The best part of the smear campaigns and his mean behavior is that letting go is much easier. It makes it easy to forget the good times and to see the monster he really is.

I was in mastermind training with our relationship, and now I am a ninja. I can recognize manipulation and psychological abuse from a mile away. I will not let anyone control me again. I hope you find the strength to leave if you are in an abusive relationship. You are worthy of love, respect, and appreciation.

Love and Light,

Libby Shively McAvoy

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am happy for you if you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist. It is still good to be aware if you see a friend or family member who might be in a toxic or abusive relationship voice your concerns.