Erectile Dysfunction and Feeling Undesired

My bedroom has become a no-fuck zone

About two months ago, my husband and I were in bed, fucking.

I had stripped all my clothes off, slipped between his legs, and wrapped my mouth around his cock. I licked and teased the tip of his hard member for a bit, then I took him in my mouth as far as I could, to the back of my throat.

He loves when I do that, but I can’t handle it for long. And even when I take him into my mouth as far as I can, I still can’t get my lips to the base — though I’m always willing to give it the old college try.

I sucked him, hard, and massaged his balls as I did so. For a few minutes, he grunted and groaned his appreciation. Then, I sucked him to the tip and let him go.

“Fuck me,” I said.

I lay back on my pillow and opened my legs for him as he got on top of me and slid inside me. Let me tell you, as a woman who loves having sex with a man, that part never gets old.

He moved in and out of me and played with my breasts. I enjoyed the attention. Then, after a short time, we had to stop.

He lost his erection.

I lost my confidence.

Sometimes, even when it’s not rational, you just feel rejected.

Erectile Dysfunction and Insecurity

I know, I know. Erectile dysfunction is not an indication that my partner isn’t attracted to me anymore. It’s a condition that he can’t help, caused by physical or psychological issues.

He’s gone to the doctor and we’ve learned that he’s generally healthy, so that’s good.

But I still don’t feel all that desired. Because, let me tell you — no matter what the underlying cause of ED is for a man, it’s not exactly an aphrodisiac.

Sex becomes this game of uncertainty, stress, and self-doubt. Will it work this time, or won’t it? How can we keep the erection going and not scare it away?

The fact that in my example above, his erection was fine and dandy in my mouth but melted away once it went inside me — that’s a real bummer for my vagina, ya know? And for my confidence. And I think feeling this way is totally understandable.

Medical condition or no, it doesn’t make a girl feel great about her sexual prowess. And it often leads to less sex for a couple.

My partner has actually dealt with ED on and off since he was a teen, decades before he knew me. But it was a rare occurrence before. Once in a blue moon.

The last four times we’ve had sex, it’s happened three of the four. I’m left unsatisfied and feeling like it’s me. He’s left frustrated and feeling guilty for not being able to satisfy me.

It’s really a lose-lose situation. And so, like many couples who deal with ED, we started avoiding sex.

What is Dead Bedroom, Exactly?

These last four sexual encounters I’m talking about? They each happened about a month apart. That’s right.

We’ve started having sex less — barely any sex at all. I’m not sure when we’ll give it a try next. It’s mentally and emotionally taxing.

It’s what they call “dead bedroom.” And the term, though not technically a diagnosis, is extremely accurate.

“Basically, dead bedroom is when you and your partner had a sexual norm and have veered away from that — either temporarily or permanently,” says Healthline writer Gabrielle Kassel.

It’s safe to say that the hubs and I have definitely veered away from our sexual norm. And though every couple experiences dry spells from time to time, this one’s gone on far too long for my liking.

You might be experiencing dead bedroom if:

• You and your partner are having less sex than usual.
• Either you or your significant other are purposely avoiding sex.
• The sex you are having is less pleasurable than what you typically have.
• Either you or your partner has an issue with the frequency and/or quality of sex you’re having.

There are any number of reasons for dead bedroom, including body changes (like hormonal changes or, yes, ED), stress, or low satisfaction. That third one hits me hard. I’m struggling to admit it, but if our sex isn’t good, we aren’t going to want to fuck each other. It’s that simple.

ED — Fun For No One

I like to think I’m such an old pro at rejection that it doesn’t get under my skin anymore. I’ve had tons of it, and I like to tell myself I’m able to let it slide off my back.

My writing gets rejected by publications. My ideas sometimes get overlooked at my day job. My invitations get turned down by friends (both in real life and online).

But, the thing is, no matter how much experience you have with rejection, it still hurts sometimes. And it’s easy to get lost in the sorrow of rejection even when it’s not logical to do so.

To put it bluntly, sometimes you feel utterly rejected and sorry for yourself even when you technically aren’t being rejected.

A lot of the time, that old cliche is true: it isn’t you, it’s them. Sometimes the story just isn’t a good fit for the pub. Or the idea at work just isn’t feasible. Or the friend really does have plans and just can’t hang out, even though they would love to.

But, even so, from time to time — the insecurity creeps in.

As a woman with urges and needs, I must admit, I don’t like not having regular sex. I also must admit, with my weight gain, depression, and my lack of confidence, I feel more undesirable and unattractive than ever before.

And sometimes, I fear that my partner has lost that feeling of sexual attraction for me.

ED is not easy for the man it affects, by far. But it’s also hard on his partner. As a sex blogger, as a woman, and as a wife, I’m feeling less than. I miss someone grabbing me, kissing me, and ripping my clothes off because they can’t wait to fuck me hard.

It’s something I want to work on. And I hope to be able to share some positive updates on this important work as they happen.

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This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a weekly column published here at Sexual Tendencies.