Erasure: A Subtle and Too-Often Accepted Form of Domestic Violence

We like to believe that maturity — often defined as the culmination of aging, level of education, and experience —is in itself a defense against abuse and our tendency to abuse others. This is only because we complicate the simplicity of abuse, which simply means to misuse or abnormally use (ab- + use) someone else. This calls into question, of course, what relationships between people are actually supposed to be. Each person must ask him or herself: “When I interact with people, in what kinds of ways do I put them to use in my life” or “How do I use people?”

You must ask yourself, “When I interact with people, in what kinds of ways do I put them to use in my life” or “How do I use people?”

I know that you feel uncomfortable asking yourself how you use people because — unfortunately — we have also complicated the meaning of use when it comes to each other. Culturally, we have defined relational use negatively and used it to label abusers in this way: “I don’t get involved with users”… which in this case means people who take advantage of the benefits of relationships without contributing anything in the process. Sociologists and psychologists call this an unhealthy power balance, and it is not relational use; it is abuse.

So, before I go any further, let us establish a standard for the appropriate use of people according to the rules of power balance. A good relationship — which includes healthy conflict and the successful management of that conflict— is cumulatively positive and complementary or symmetrical. In spite of some ups and downs, the end result there is a win-win for all participants, and contributions to the positive ending (day-by-day) are fairly shared. “Fair” does not always mean “equal,” but the involved people agree that the give-and-take ratio is reasonably fair to all involved.

What Erasure Is

Erasure is the intentional and systematic suppression of another person such that he or she is deemed unworthy of or unfit to determine fairness. It is not to be confused with narcissistic behavior (a popular topic currently), which is the tendency to continually reach for what edifies one’s self. It is also not to be confused with gaslighting (another popular topic), which is the tendency to manipulate others’ perceptions of reality for personal gain. Erasure is an ongoing, multi-faceted assault against a person’s entire sense of self and well-being. It is one person’s willingness to dismiss another’s self-concept (all of their needs, beliefs, and desires) in order to establish a more palatable replacement person or environment. It is disregard for a person’s existence.

Erasure is one person’s willingness to dismiss another’s self-concept (all of their needs, beliefs, and desires) in order to establish a more palatable replacement person or environment.

You’re probably thinking, “No person in his or her right mind would EVER do this to another person,” but you would be mistaken. There are elements of cultural erasure (against sexes, specific ethnicities, religions, etc.) that are generally accepted as okay in modern society, right? Sure, they shouldn’t be, but that’s beside the point. The point is this: Any time that you deny a person’s right to choose and pursue self-improvement (his or her own growth), you are contributing to a decline, which is an erasing maneuver… and that has been around for millennia. So then, if we set aside our willingness to be surprised about human failures, we can look at some very subtle ways that this kind of manipulation rears its head in everyday life.

Any time that you deny a person’s right to choose and pursue his or her own growth, you are contributing to a decline, which is an erasing maneuver.

Everyday Examples of Erasure (Intentional and Unintentional)

A disclaimer: if you have unintentionally exercised this type of manipulation over others, you can still change. Abuse (the abnormal use of others) is not always malicious! Sometimes, we just need to take a closer look at how we treat others and make adjustments.

1 Exercising Control over Others’ Aptitudes (Career Choices, Goals, Hobbies, Interests)

I almost fell into this one as a parent. I am the Mom that wanted my son to go to college, and not just any college — one of THE BEST colleges. My first husband and I did everything we could to encourage this choice: tutors, home study schedules, special programs, special schools, the works! But, when high school graduation came and went, my son made a different choice and hit me with this, “I want to be a Marine.” #SemperFi

I was tempted… so tempted… to erupt in outrage. Full disclosure: My first thoughts were about all the things we did to prepare him for the path we thought was best. But guess what? I had no right to respond that way. As a sentient individual, my son made a choice for his own self-improvement that could lead to its own positive ends. What saved me from falling into a manipulative pattern? Scripture and some good Bible teaching about purpose. (Even if you don’t believe in the Bible, you’ve probably done some studying about purpose-driven living).

We must be careful about limiting others’ right to aptitudinal choices according to our own comfort and preferences.

Aptitudinal Abuse: That’s a waste of your time. I need you here, not out there doing that. What a stupid goal. You know you’ll never achieve that. Why are you doing this? It’s a waste of time! What a juvenile interest!

2 Exercising Control over Generally Enriching Financial Choices (Counseling, Education, Hobbies, Hygiene, etc.)

You may have heard this one: “The money you’re spending on that could be used for this instead.” This would be 100% true if the light bill is due and the money needed for that is being spent on french fries, seriously. But in some instances, the positive use of finances is a matter of preference. That means that if your husband spends his fun money throwing football parties while you spend your fun money at the spa, no harm is done (unless cleanup is unfairly divided, lol). It also means that no partner should be the dictator over family finances. While budget management is key (and should be done in a fair way), denying a person reasonable access to funds for self-development or personal growth is an erasing maneuver. This includes children’s reasonable use of allowance!

Financial Abuse: I’m not giving you money for that. It doesn’t make sense. That money is better spent on what I want to do. You don’t know how to use money. You should just do that at home and make do. Why do you need a special soap/towel/toothbrush? That’s a waste. You use whatever we have.

3 Exercising Control over Spiritual Routines (Access to “Quiet Time,” Church Attendance, Meditation, Mentor or Counselor Selection, Prayer)

Up to a certain age, our children’s spiritual routines are defined by what the adults in the house do. That age depends upon the practicing culture, of course. In my family’s culture, for example, the parents’ spiritual routines apply to the children until they move out and establish their own maintenance. Yet, every culture has its own age of accountability or majority, a point at which young adults must choose their own spiritual practices and establish their own living standards. It is unethical and impossible to force a person to believe or practice as you. History teaches us that in so many ways.

As parents, we train our children according to our faith and standards, but when they begin to make their own choices, we cannot attempt to force them to comply by berating and disowning them when they choose other paths… that is an erasing maneuver. As parents, we still have a duty of care to our offspring, whatever they choose to believe. If anything, love will win over a child who departs from a worthy faith long before punishment will.

It is equally unethical to deny a spouse or significant other access to reasonable privacy, time for reflection, reading material, or any other spiritual routine that would bring about positive self-development. Disagreement over faith may lead to separation, but it should never be decided with violence.

Spiritual Abuse: We pray when I say we pray. Stop going to that church… it’s a waste of time. What do you mean you need time to yourself? Don’t bother with going there for counseling… just see my counselor/pastor instead. If you don’t go to church, you are dead to me.

Now What? Here’s the hard work…

I could go on and on with practical, everyday examples of aptitudinal, cognitive, emotional, environmental, financial, physical, relational, and spiritual erasure, but I think you get the idea, and it is definitely ABUSE. Any time that you deny a person’s right to choose and pursue self-improvement (his or her own growth), you are contributing to a decline, which is an erasing maneuver. Don’t excuse yourself!

The first thing to do is self-evaluate. You have to ask yourself two categories of hard questions. The hardest and first category is self-judgment: Am I erasing people in my life? Am I forcing my will on others? Am I ignoring the needs of others for my own comfort? Am I throwing good people away because they disagree with me? Am I an enforcer of rigid rules without concern for circumstances? Am I isolating my children when they need me most?

The second category of questions requires you to evaluate whether you are being abused by others (OR YOURSELF — self-erasure is a thing): Am I losing myself? Am I ignoring my financial needs or is someone denying me access to reasonable funds? Is my spiritual life controlled by someone else? Am I really doing what I want to be doing with my life? Do I devalue my own thoughts, or do I let others devalue my reasonable thoughts? Have I lost control over my environment? Are my physical needs routinely dismissed (health, safety, sexuality, etc.)? Am I called negative names and made to feel stupid?

The second thing to do is SET APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES for your own and others’ behavior where you find problems. Love is a sacrificial behavior that shows commitment to and appreciation for who people really are. It is not the breaking down and Frankensteinian reconstruction of other people’s psyche and lives. If you catch yourself slipping, remember your own right to establish and choose an excellent quality of life.

Don’t let yourself and your footprint in the world in which we walk disappear.