Equine Subterfuge Redux

Summary

A large wooden Trojan Horse appears near Kyiv's Golden Gate, causing speculation and tension amidst ongoing conflict, with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov claiming it's a gift and Ukrainian authorities treating it with suspicion.

Abstract

The citizens of Kyiv were surprised to find a large wooden Trojan Horse near the Golden Gate, prompting immediate police action to cordon off the area. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov dismissed suspicions, stating that the horse was a gift from the Kremlin filled with traditional Russian food. Despite Lavrov's insistence that the gesture was one of goodwill and should lead to the lifting of NATO sanctions, Ukrainian special forces noted signs of Russian soldiers inside the horse, including loud music and laughter. A CIA report hinted at Putin's direct involvement, possibly inspired by the Iliad. Kyiv's mayor called for a community bonfire, and the city's police prepared with stockpiles of gasoline, suggesting a potential response to the equine spectacle.

Opinions

Sergei Lavrov vehemently denies the Trojan Horse is a trick, framing it as a benevolent gift from Russia.
Lavrov implies that NATO should lift sanctions due to Russia's supposed generosity.
Lavrov portrays Putin as a magnanimous figure, akin to Ded Moroz, offering gifts to world leaders.
Ukrainian authorities are skeptical of the horse, suspecting it contains Russian soldiers.
The CIA report implies that Putin may be drawing inspiration from classical literature for strategic decisions.
Kyiv's mayor uses the event to rally the community spirit amidst the ongoing conflict.
The preparation of gasoline by Ukrainian police suggests a readiness to destroy the horse if necessary.

Trojan Horse spotted near Kyiv’s Golden Gate

Photo of horse public domain. Screenshot by author.

Citizens in Kyiv awoke today to a bizarre spectacle. What appeared to be a large wooden Trojan Horse was stationed several kilometers east of the Golden Gate. Police immediately cordoned off the area.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov snorted at speculation that the horse was a Russian trick.

“Not Trojan! Is gift! From Kremlin to Ukranian people! Russia knows Kyiv citizens have hard time last few days. Inside just pirozhki, babushka’s borscht, nice beef stroganoff! Why suspicious? Maybe a little spasibo would be nice, nyet?.”

Lavrov added that the goodwill gesture should prompt NATO to immediately lift sanctions.

“We give away, what you call in English, swag, da? Why sanctions? Bad for everyone, ruble not worth собачье дерьмо, might as well wipe задница with it. Trump call me up, screaming ‘Russian pension worth bupkis, Truth Social also piece of собачье дерьмо, lawyers, need to pay lawyers, maybe you send someone give Rudy novichok!’ ”

Lavrov went on to insist that Putin was a mensch.

Vlad Putin, very nice man, want to be like Ded Moroz, give away nice ponies. Macron, you want one? We put behind Sorbonne. One for Boris too, good acoustics for PM’s parties, don’t worry not bugged. Maybe good for Biden, help with говенный polling numbers, we put maybe in Pentagon, maybe ICBM bunker.”

Ukrainian special forces, establishing a perimeter around the horse, recorded loud Russian music blaring from the horse’s belly and what sounded like several platoons of soldiers squat dancing inside and laughing raucously. The pavement beneath the horse was littered with broken Beluga Noble Russian Gold Vodka bottles and empty Crown Ossetra caviar tins.

A CIA report leaked recently described a smug Vladimir Putin skimming through Lattimore’s translation of the Iliad and furiously scribbling notes. Coincidentally, Putin signed his order to send the horse Odysseus.

Kyiv’s mayor announced that the cold weather was a good excuse for the war-weary citizens of Kyiv to gather and warm by a raging bonfire, and to show their spirit.

Shortly after that announcement, Ukrainian police were seen stockpiling gasoline in a secure area 100 meters from the Horse.

Loudspeakers around the city announced the bonfire, in both Ukrainian and Russian.

The music and shouting which had emanated from the Horse all day abruptly ceased.

Ukes say neigh to russe

Equine Subterfuge Redux

Trojan Horse spotted near Kyiv’s Golden Gate

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