Entrepreneurship/Humor

Entrepreneurial Heat Wave

Climate change deniers not welcome

On a recent one week stay in Torrid Town, Arizona to attend the annual Torrid Town Climate Change Summit I learned first-hand that good old fashioned American entrepreneurial spirit was still alive. My first hint was when my Uber from the airport passed the town limit sign for Torrid Town. Just after the town limit sign was another hand-painted sign that read, “Commie Socialists not Welcome!”

It was on the third day of the summit when Greta Thunberg spoke. She was the whole reason I attended the summit. Gosh, I can just watch her speak for hours. What a true beacon of light for humanity, right?

After Greta spoke the summit started going downhill rapidly. Everyone was boring compared to her. On the fifth day of the summit I left just before the vegan, verified non-gmo, organic lunch was served at the convention center. I decided to walk back to my hotel room and perhaps sample some of the local cuisine on the way.

I was drenched in sweat within two minutes of leaving the convention center. The digital bank thermometer across the street read 131 degrees. I was beginning to regret having worn underwear.

A block and a half from the convention center I came upon a new type of restaurant spawned by the entrepreneurial response to climate change. It was called, ‘Sunny Side Up.’ To my befuddlement, I was forced off the sidewalk onto the street to walk alongside the sidewalk. It turned out that the sidewalk was the central attraction of the restaurant.

I passed chefs who were cracking open eggs and dropping them on the sidewalk where they quickly fried up. Then I passed chefs who were dropping pieces of bread on the sidewalk where they quickly got toasted. Then I passed chefs who were cooking fatty pork sausage links on the sidewalks. Then I came to a sign that said that for just $27.99 I could have a breakfast cooked entirely on the sidewalk!

Earlier that morning I had eggs and pork sausage and toast for breakfast. I didn’t want that for lunch, too!

So I kept walking. Another block down the road I came upon another business utilizing climate change as an entrepreneurial opportunity. It was called, “Body Freeze.”

In the middle of the parking lot of this business was a large metal tub like those used to provide water to livestock. The tub was filled to the brim with cubed ice. For $49.95 customers could strip to their underwear and get into the tub and float in the ice for twenty minutes. The sign went on to say that before a customer got into the tub of ice a strange device would be used to take the core body temperature of the customer. After twenty minutes of floating in ice the core body temperature would again be taken. For anyone who went through twenty minutes in ice whose core body temperature did not come down their $49.95 would be refunded.

Where do these genius entrepreneurs get their brilliant ideas?

I wasn’t just sweating bullets. I was sweating heavy artillery. So I got in line.

Sadly, the man in front of me in line was a huge man well over six feet tall and weighing close to 400 pounds. He had an entourage surrounding him cheering him on. He was obviously intent on getting his fifty bucks back.

Through the conversation between him and his entourage I learned that his name was Billy Bob Joe Fahrenheit and that he held the Guinness Book of World Records record for the most any human had ever sweat.

I grew apprehensive about following him into the tub of ice.

When it came time for Billy Bob Joe to get in the tub of ice he stripped down to the scariest g-string any human ever wanted to see. As he got into the tub ice spilled out over the edges.

After his twenty minutes were up there was no longer any ice in the tub. It was all just water. His core body temperature was taken and it showed that it had decreased by half a degree. He was not awarded his refund and he got very pissed off.

I looked around then very quietly snuck out of line and hurried off down the street. There would obviously be a wait for the tub to be drained and refilled with ice. I no longer wanted to be anywhere near that tub and headed for my hotel.

At the hotel I called room service and ordered enough ice to fill the room’s bathtub. I got into that little tub of ice until my core body temperature was back under 100 degrees (Fahrenheit).

It was fantabulous!

I then got out of the tub, dried myself off then ordered a Lyft to take me to the airport. I had enough of Torrid Town. I had to get home.

At the airport I bumped into a gorgeous woman. We both apologized to each other at the same time.

I gathered my composure and asked, “So where are you going?”

“Oh, I’m going back home to New York City. Where are you going?”

“Well, I was going to go back home but I decided to exchange my ticket for a flight to Greenland. I seriously need to cool off.”

We both laughed.

She finally responded, “Well let’s hope that Billy Bob Joe Fahrenheit doesn’t go to Greenland. If he does then the entire Greenland Ice Cap will melt and New York City will be fifty feet under water.”

We both almost fell on the floor laughing.

Finally, I gathered myself and brought forth every ounce of testosterone I could muster then suggested, “Well, why don’t you trade in your ticket to New York City for a flight to Greenland? You can join me and go cool off.”

She tilted her head to the side as she looked me over and realized how incredibly hot I was. She then smiled and said, “Okay.”

So we both went to Greenland where we lived happily ever after for a week.

According to scientists, the Greenland ice cap melted just a little bit.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.

This piece was inspired by Chris Hedges