Enough in Every Season
Finding a way to be satisfied
I am thankful for now — this season of fruitfulness and happiness. I have spent a sufficient number of days in the darkness to be exceedingly grateful for this time in the light. It’s sometimes hard not to worry that the other shoe will drop — not to fear that another storm of my soul is on the horizon preparing to destroy my sunnier emotions. But some days I am fortunate enough to not question my joy or the length of it — to just savor it.
In this, the season of gratitude, I am thankful to have enough. I’ve expended (wasted really) so much time wanting more — more money, security, confidence, intelligence, attention, talent, praise, status, success. Now, I am learning (and relearning, and learning again) the art of finding whatever I possess in the present to be enough — to approach each day and every moment with a grateful heart. Now, I am aiming to be satisfied with whatever I have in every area of my life — even if I also have goals and aspirations to do more, be more, or do better.
The fire helped. In a matter of hours, we lost our home and the majority of our possessions. We spent ten months nomadically living with less — less stuff, less certainty, less space, and much less privacy. Even with less, life was good. We were a bit disoriented, but still happy. We had gotten used to more, but we didn’t need it. And realizing that made all the difference.
Wanting more isn’t wrong. I simply desire the ability to live satisfied with the present — to not let my goals or ambitions tarnish my current position or possessions.
I have no great advice for those whose wants are deep and important. I wish I did because much of what I watch my family and friends desire is something of substance. They are not frantically following after frivolities like fame, wealth, or more stuff. They have yearnings for a pillar of life — love, companionship, children, health, healing (for themselves or a loved one), a job, enough to pay the bills, a safe place to live — safe physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Some of these deep desires span decades unrequited. In such cases, words of wisdom fail me. I can only offer empathy.
I am thankful to have no such comparative aches. I have not suffered years of illness, loneliness, unemployment, poverty, or infertility. Yes, I will forever bear the weight of my mother’s absence, but that is a loss that I have learned how to carry. Mourning is now a companion I know well — not just an occasional adversary.
Certainly, there are places I yearn to visit, experiences I hope to have, and milestones I’d like to reach, but I have no oppressive or all-consuming needs. Mostly, what I have now is enough to be happy. Depression is distant. Joy fills me. The world, though terrifying at times, still seems capable of generating goodness and opportunities.
I know that challenges will come. I know my darkness will return. And there is so much malice and suffering in the world. However, my hope is that whatever turns, trip-ups, travesties, or triumphs I experience throughout my life, that I will always find a way to be satisfied. Even as I harbor hopes and delve into dreams, I want a sense of having enough to define my present reality. Let me not ask autumn to be summer or winter to be spring. Let me experience enough in every season.
The above is in response to Ravyne Hawke’s November theme for Promptly Written, “with a grateful heart.”
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