Enjoying your adult children.

This can be the best part of having kids.

You have survived raising your kids. Congratulations!

They have grown up, moved out, and have careers and families. I know you still have things you want to teach them and warnings you want to give them because you want them to succeed.

It is hard to know where the lines are, though. And every kid is different. Some are uninterested in your interference (until they need money), and some want to tell you about every detail of their lives.

Here are nine guidelines for navigating the wonderful world of adult children.

Tell your adult children you love them.

They never get too old to hear this. Do not assume they know it. Tell them. Frequently. Hug them (if they will let you. Most families have “that” child who hates hugs). Praise them for their good choices and encourage them whenever you can.

Forgive the past.

It does not matter what happened. Do not hold grudges against your children. Life is too short. You were not a perfect parent, and they were not perfect children. It is part of life. Let it slide.

They will soon have your grandchildren, and you will want to be in their lives. Don’t allow your stubborn pride to keep you from those precious babies. They will need your love and influence. Whatever happened is not worth losing what you gain when you hear those little voices calling for you.

Give your adult children room to grow.

Do not be that preachy parent that makes them dread your visit and subsequent disapproval of how they are living their lives.

What they choose for a career, who they marry, and where they live is their choice. You are entitled to your opinion, and there are certainly times to offer a suggestion, but as a general rule, you should butt out. Do not pressure them or make them feel like you are disappointed with them.

After I had waxed eloquently about how to fix my oldest son’s situation, he told me gently, “Dad, sometimes I do not need the sermon. I just want you to be my dad.”

Shut up and listen. Show them you love them and you care. Be available when they seek you out. Remember, you do not have everything figured out, and your decision-making track record is less than stellar. Let them learn from their mistakes like you did.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.

Asking deeply personal questions can give you information you may not want. Do you really wish to know what they did on that trip? Why do you need to know about their sex life? Do you want to know who they voted for? Be a good listener, but do not ask if they do not volunteer that information. Sometimes, it is better not to know.

Refuse to manipulate your adult children with guilt.

They will be asking for money. They will need you to watch the grandkids. They will borrow stuff, and you may not get it back. It is part of the job. Do not use those favors to guilt them or manipulate them. Do not remind them of what you spent on them at Christmas, how much that car you bought them cost, or how expensive their college was. You did not get where you are all by yourself. Remember what it was like to struggle, be generous, and never talk about it again.

Not guilting your adult children especially applies during the holidays. It is stressful for a young family to try to satisfy two families with time at Thanksgiving and Christmas and to build their traditions too. Give your kids freedom over the holidays. Be the stress-free inlaw. Remember, it is about the time together, not necessarily the day. Make them so welcome when they do come and allow them to leave when they need to without the guilt. They need holiday time alone too. Do not make them dread the most wonderful time of the year.

Avoid giving in to hurt feelings.

Stop getting butthurt whenever they do something with the other side of the family, especially if they had to grow up in a divorced home. You were part of that choice; they are stuck trying to maintain peace.

Your kids are humans and have emotional struggles just like you. They will lash out in anger. They will bring up your failures as a parent. They will blame you for their self-inflicted problems. They will not return your calls and leave your texts unanswered. Let them and love them anyway. Be the adult, and do not allow your feelings to be hurt. See past their expressions and be waiting to love on them when they think it through.

Respect their parenting decisions.

Clearly, you know everything about raising kids, as you did so well with yours, but let them raise theirs without your interference. You had your turn. Respect their parenting rules, and do not try to win favor with your grandkids by sneaking and breaking those rules. I know they will come up with some fad parenting ideas you think are stupid, but that is their prerogative. Those kids grew up in a world you struggled to relate to, and the grandkids will do so as well. Give them space to figure it out.

Do not undermine their authority or openly disagree with their decisions in front of the children. Be your kids’ ally in the struggle that is parenthood, not their enemy. Volunteer to keep the grandkids to give them some adult time. Be the grandparent you wished you had at that stage of life.

Respect the boundaries.

We all need them. They are good for relationships. Give your kids their space and expect them to do the same. Call before you drop in. Ask, don’t assume. Do not take liberties in their home. Respect off-limit topics like politics and religion if they are tense subjects. When difficult subjects do come up, be respectful in your conversation.

Remember, they are adults, and you do not always have to say “yes” to every request, especially if you are perpetuating lousy behavior. They must respect that you also have a life and need your privacy. But don’t be offended when they say “no” to you.

Pray for them.

This is the most powerful tool you have in your relationship with your children, regardless of their age. Prayer gives you an avenue into their life that you will never have any other way. God can turn hearts and heal lives in a moment. Prayer bridges the gap between your impotence and his omnipotence. It allows you to get out of the way and let God make them into what he wants them to be.

Even if they mess up, believe that God is still working. Believe that he can still do great things in their lives.

Find your quiet spot and bring your kids to Jesus. Never stop! They will always need it. Pray for those grandbabies. Pray for their future spouses and careers. Pray for God’s multigenerational blessings.

Ask God for grace to be the parent of grown children that honors him.