End Your Abuser’s Power — Advice from a Survivor
Take your power back before it’s too late
Do you feel trapped, confused, ashamed, and possibly afraid of what might be coming next in your relationship?
If you do, there’s a good chance you’re involved with an abuser.
They’re masters at keeping you off balance and making you think everything wrong is your fault.
If you’ve realized some of this and you’re ready to get your freedom back — keep reading because this is for you.
Your shame will keep you silent and embarrassed about your circumstances, but take it from a survivor; that pattern can prove to be deadly.
You’ll relate to this article about abusive relationships if:
- You’re currently experiencing abuse in your relationship — (read this if you suspect you are, but you’re not sure.)
- You have recently escaped an abusive relationship.
- Or even if it’s been many years since you found a way out.
Reality Check on the Statistics
The statistics we can see online about abusive relationships and domestic violence are astounding.
Unfortunately, the reality is that they’re probably higher.
My reasoning behind that statement is based on the fact that silence is a consistent key ingredient in a destructive relationship.
To become a measurable statistic, the abuse has to be recorded. But, unfortunately, I know from personal experience that most of us never speak up about the abuse we suffer at another's hands.
Deep shame keeps us silent even in the 21st century.
May I take this opportunity to share my deepest sympathy for all the victims in the mass shooting in Nova Scotia. My heart goes out to my home town and all of the families that were affected. I knew in my gut after reading the first article that the violence initiated that day was based in domestic violence. It has since been confirmed…
Abuse isn’t just a subject that affects women either. Men, children, the elderly, and pets, to name a few, also suffer silently. It stretches and lurks in all corners of the world and comes in many forms.
But for this article, I’ll be referring to my own experiences as an emotionally, physically, and sexually abused female survivor.
You should also know that abusers come in all different shapes and sizes.
Most people would assume that an abusive person would have a particular look or demeanour about them. When, in fact, they don’t. More often than not, they are good-looking, charming, and you never see them coming.
They can be ‘Masters of Manipulation’ and can make you feel like you’re the one who’s crazy and out of control — not them.
Abuse isn’t always about punches and bruises either.
Emotional abuse is much harder to define or prove. So it can be devastating and long-lasting for the victim. I’m also convinced that it’s rarely captured in the statistics.
But regardless of who it is or how they’re serving it up …it’s never ok.
The Dreaded Question
If you summon a moment of courage and mention concerns about your relationship to a friend or family member — this is usually the response you get;
Why don’t you just leave?
The question seems simple enough — right?
But people who have never been victims of abuse have no idea how shallow and hurtful that question can seem to someone who has.
That simple but seemingly judgemental question can push you further away, overwhelm you and shut you down even more.
When asked that question, this is what I heard.
Are you oblivious to how that person is treating you, or are you just stupid? Has it never occurred to you to leave?
And this is what I thought to myself.
Thought of leaving? Hell, I’ve thought of murder to get free! If it was that simple, don’t you think I might have already done that?
Jeez…
My temper flared easily, leaving me overly defensive and very angry.
Just something else added to my list of things I was already doing wrong in my life — more blame.
However, I suppose the question came from their healthy (and perhaps ignorant) perspective. They did think it could be that simple. But to me, the question was insensitive, hurtful and even rude.
It’s like saying, “Hey, have you tried just eating less bad food?!” to someone who has been struggling to lose weight their entire life.
See, stupid question — insensitive and rude.
I’m sure you haven’t responded well to it either. You feel judged, belittled and most likely misunderstood. Rather than feeling encouraged to open up and get some help, it reinforces your need to be silent.
In other words, it shuts you down, and you absorb it as more affirmation that nobody has a clue about your level of fear or what you’re going through. It’s more confirmation that you are alone in the world, and you really couldn’t make them understand even if you tried.
Let alone believe that they could actually help you.
Sound familiar?
I know I was convinced nobody could help me. I felt very alone, isolated, and even abandoned.
Today, 30 odd years later, the question still pisses me off, but now I try to explain it from a calmer, more confident place.
A Survivor’s Advice
Let me emphasize this one thing very clearly.
There is absolutely no excuse for abuse.
None — zero — nada!
The sooner you wrap your head around that one simple fact, the sooner you can make healthier choices for yourself.
It doesn’t matter who’s dishing out the abuse either:
- Boyfriend/Girlfriend
- Husband/Wife
- Mother/Father
- Step Mother/Step Father
- Friend/Sibling
Whoever it is…
It doesn’t matter — it’s still abuse, and there is still NO EXCUSE.
So why am I drilling that point?
Because in my humble opinion grasping that fact is the first step to finding your safety and freedom.
You need to understand, and truly believe at your core, that you are worthy of being treated with unconditional love and respect.
Please don’t settle for less.
Realize that no matter how many excuses we make for our abuser, there are none.
Period.
So stop making them.
Regardless of how nice they are some of the time. Or how many times they’ve apologized for their behaviour.
And especially if they tell you it’s because they love you so much and promise it will never happen again.
It did…and it will.
It’s Way Past Time We Speak Up
Talking about it is the last thing you want to do; I know, I truly understand.
I spent ten toxic years embarrassed, ashamed, and scared to death because I didn't grasp that concept.
On some strange level, I thought that maybe I might even deserve the terrible treatment. Like I had somehow brought it on myself, and I was to blame.
I’ve come to learn that abusers want you to believe exactly that.
That’s Their Power
They must keep you from talking — to protect themselves. Abusers will also alienate you from your family and friends slowly over time.
Sometimes it’s not obvious; you wake up one day and realize it’s been years since you’ve spent any time with the most important people in your life.
Eventually, the abuser’s voice is the Only Voice you ever get to hear. That’s how they can be sure you believe everything they tell you.
Almost daily, the voice I heard told me I was worthless, stupid, fat, and ugly. Those were my ex’s favourites, but the list was endless.
He was relentless with his words, and eventually, I learned to believe them.
That’s why you have to find your voice, find someone you can trust and reach out for help.
Once you involve others and build your support system back up, it dissolves the power they have over you.
Read that again — it dissolves it.
Because now you have the opportunity to hear the truth from family and friends who love you. Swallow your shame, take a massive leap of faith, and tell your story.
As your self-esteem restores, you’ll feel your strength come back, and then you can make some positive changes in your life.
Here’s Another Big One I Wish I Knew Back Then
You are not alone!
Oh my gosh…I know you think you are, it sure feels that way, but you’re not.
Abuse is everywhere, it affects all ages, and the key ingredient is our Silence! The abuser needs you to stay quiet; in fact, they count on it heavily.
So I encourage you to break that vow and take your power back.
Note: You must do this carefully. Don’t address this with your abuser, only with a friend, family member or a professional counsellor you can trust.
You only have one life to live — don’t let someone steal that from you.
You deserve so much more.
The Wrap Up
If you’re currently dealing with an abusive person, I know it already takes everything you’ve got to hold it together and survive.
Some days you’re so exhausted and sad that you’re completely numb.
I also know that even if you agree that you need to break your Silence, the thought of actually doing it is paralyzing.
You feel like you’re drowning, you have tunnel vision, and it’ll take everything you’ve got to summon the courage to talk about it.
But guess what — that’s all it takes to start down your new path to freedom, forgiveness, and safety.
It will be hard, messy even, you’ll second guess yourself, and sometimes you’ll wish you never opened your mouth. But you’re strong and resilient, and the alternative is much worse in the long run.
Trust me, I’ve been there, and I’ve got the friggin T-shirt.
P.S. ~If someone does ask you that stupid question…
Why don’t you just leave?
Here’s a better way to answer it…
“It’s not that simple. I’m living in a perpetual state of fear. I don’t understand how someone who is supposed to love me can hurt me so badly. I’m so ashamed of how I allow them to treat me. I feel completely alone. I need to talk about it. Can you help me?”
If someone hadn’t shared this information with me, I’m genuinely unsure where I would be today.
It’s even possible I may not have survived it.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline — they’re available 24/7, and all calls are free.
It’s time to forgive yourself, dig deep, and find your strength — I promise you it’s there.
If you have questions or comments, I’m here.
Here’s another story that will help…
I’m Liz, the self-empowered, red wine & coffee lovin’, personal growth fanatic behind this article. I’ve stopped shrinking into places I’ve outgrown, and I’m a fan of straight talk and practical solutions. That’s why I’m here to Empower, Educate and Entertain.
