Empathy is a Super Power

Creating a kinder, gentler world through empathic connections

When I was divorced for the second time, my therapist pointed out to me that one of my traits was inflicting tremendous pain and suffering on me. It was empathy. I thought empathy was a good thing.

Empathy is more than feeling your pain or feeling your joy. It can be this expansive receptiveness to the emotional and physical signals being radiated by others.

The others don’t even have to be right in front of you. They can be faces in a news story broadcast from the other side of the planet.

Empathy is on a spectrum

My therapist pointed out that empathy exists in people on a spectrum, like almost any personality trait. In my case, I was at the extremely sensitive end of the scale. That is a mixed blessing.

From the pain perspective, my empathy facilitates the near complete transfer of suffering from one human being into me. That can be as exhausting as it is excruciating. I would make a horrible ER nurse or doctor.

Knowing this about myself, I no longer watch violent films or horror movies; I can’t take it. I carefully curate what flows into my eyes.

From a joyful perspective, my empathy enables me to forge deep bonds with people, albeit on a small scale. It takes time for me to integrate my spirit with someone else’s. It is probably the primary reason I became a teacher.

Is Dejavu real? I’m not sure.

I once woke up in the middle of the night shaking. I remember saying out loud, “Melissa is in pain. She just told her husband she wants a divorce.” I had known Melissa for several years and formed a very close, empathic relationship with her. I had that preternatural experience just that one time, but it was enough to convince me that empathy can be a superpower. I felt her pain.

Empathy at play in life and work

People with high levels of empathy can enter a conversation or a meeting and instantly sense the emotional temperature in the space. That ability allows a man, woman, or child to cut through the political maneuverings and see the truth. Seeing the truth, they can speak it.

Empaths are fully equipped to speak truth to power.

When I was divorced, I became even more hypersensitive to people in my orbit. People who used to be friends grew distant or became figuratively invisible. Some became hostile towards me. And others rushed to my side to comfort me.

Every one of those experiences set off alarms in my empathic radar system. I would constantly switch between anger, resentment, indifference, love, kindness, and confusion. Emotional multitasking is draining.

If you share my empathic disposition and it is causing you distress, please talk with a mental health professional; it's the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.

Empathy and teaching

I channeled my empathy into my profession, teaching. I used it as a tool to help students, mainly teenagers, see themselves in a more loving and compassionate light. Teenagers can be downright brutal with themselves.

When I sat down with angry parents, I could pierce that anger and see the fear lingering underneath. Those moms and dads were afraid for their children. Once you understand that, you can sit with their anger until it dissolves into tears. That is a superpower.

A mental model for thinking about empathy

If you pay attention to your own empathic ability, you will discover its capacity or breadth. I like to think of empathy in terms of concentric spheres. The inner sphere represents those with minimal empathic skills, so their impact range is limited, and that’s okay.

The first step in building empathy is recognizing your capacity for change and discomfort. The second step is deciding to deliberately pay attention to other people's states of mind and spirit. You can do that if you choose to.

We need people with all levels of empathy — all spheres of empathic power. We certainly need people with superpower levels of empathy — can you imagine a world without them?

I feel blessed and fortunate to be an empath. I’m a better man because of it.